The Musical World of Rocky Horror

Rocky Horror Show (1999 Script)        59,494 views

RICHARD O'BRIEN'S THE ROCKY HORROR SHOW

Book, music, and lyrics by Richard O'Brien.

CAST
(In order of appearance)


USHERETTE / MAGENTA
BRAD
JANET
NARRATOR
RIFF RAFF
COLUMBIA
FRANK 'N' FURTER
ROCKY
EDDIE / DR. SCOTT
4 PHANTOMS - TRANSYLVANIANS

Notes:

1.     Usherette can be doubled with Magenta.
2.     Dr. Scott and Eddie can be doubled.
3.     Phantoms can be increased to six.
        They are used onstage & off as back up singers as well as understudies.


PLAY SCRIPT

        PHANTOMS: (Enter from Audience.) Welcome, we're glad you could come tonight.

Prologue

(USHERETTE enters with tray.)

[Song: "SCIENCE FICTION DOUBLE FEATURE"]

        USHERETTE:
MICHAEL RENNIE WAS ILL
THE DAY THE EARTH STOOD STILL
BUT HE TOLD US WHERE WE STAND
AND FLASH GORDON WAS THERE
IN SILVER UNDERWEAR
CLAUDE RAINS WAS THE INVISIBLE MAN
THEN SOMETHING WENT WRONG
FOR FAY WRAY AND KING KONG
THEY GOT CAUGHT IN A CELLULOID JAM
THEN AT A DEADLY PACE
IT CAME FROM OUTER SPACE
AND THIS IS HOW THE MESSAGE RAN.

(CHORUS)
(PHANTOMS do the Oohhs etc.)

SCIENCE FICTION - DOUBLE FEATURE
DR. X WILL BUILD A CREATURE
SEE ANDROIDS FIGHTING BRAD AND JANET
ANNE FRANCES STARS IN FORBIDDEN PLANET
OH - AT THE LATE NIGHT DOUBLE FEATURE
PICTURE SHOW.

I KNEW LEO G. CARROL
WAS OVER A BARREL
WHEN TARANTULA TOOK TO THE HILLS
AND I REALLY GOT HOT
WHEN I SAW JANETTE SCOTT
FIGHT A TRIFFID THAT SPITS POISON AND KILLS
DANA ANDREWS SAID PRUNES
GIVE HIM THE RHUNES
AND PASSING THEM USED LOTS OF SKILLS
AND WHEN WORLDS COLLIDE
SAID GEORGE PAL TO HIS BRIDE
I'M GOING TO GIVE YOU SOME TERRIBLE THRILLS
LIKE A -

(CHORUS)

SCIENCE FICTION - DOUBLE FEATURE
DR. X WILL BUILD A CREATURE
SEE ANDROIDS FIGHTING BRAD AND JANET
ANNE FRANCES STARS IN FORBIDDEN PLANET
OH - AT THE LATE NIGHT DOUBLE FEATURE
PICTURE SHOW.

I WANT TO GO
AT THE LATE NIGHT DOUBLE FEATURE PICTURE SHOW
BY R.K.O.
AT THE LATE NIGHT DOUBLE FEATURE PICTURE SHOW
IN THE BACK ROW
AT THE LATE NIGHT DOUBLE FEATURE PICTURE SHOW.

Scene One

(Wedding bells are ringing - PHANTOM voices. PHANTOMS create arch through which BRAD and JANET enter, both are breathless.)

        JANET. Oh Brad, wasn't it wonderful - didn't Betty look radiantly beautiful - I can't believe it - just an hour ago she was plain Betty Munroe and now she's Mrs. Ralf Hapshatt.
        BRAD. Yes, Janet - Ralf's a lucky guy.
        JANET. Yes.
        BRAD. Everyone knows Betty's a wonderful little cook.
        JANET. Yes.
        BRAD. And Ralf himself will be in line for promotion in a year or two.
        JANET. Yes, Brad.

[Song: "DAMN IT JANET"]

        BRAD.
HEY, JANET.

        JANET.
YES BRAD.

        BRAD.
I'VE GOT SOMETHING TO SAY.

        JANET.
YES.

        BRAD.
I REALLY LOVED THE SKILLFUL WAY
YOU BEAT THE OTHER GIRLS TO THE BRIDE'S
BOUQUET.

  PHANTOMS.
THE RIVER WAS DEEP BUT I SWAM IT. Janet
THE FUTURE IS OURS SO LET'S PLAN IT. Janet
SO PLEASE DON'T TELL ME TO CAN IT. Janet
I'VE ONE THING TO SAY AND THAT'S ...  
DAMN IT - JANET - I LOVE YOU.  
   
THE ROAD WAS LONG BUT I RAN IT. Janet
THERE'S A FIRE IN MY HEART AND YOU FAN IT. Janet
IF THERE'S A FOOL FOR YOU THEN I AM IT. Janet
I'VE ONE THING TO SAY AND THAT'S ...
DAMN IT - JANET - I LOVE YOU.

HERE'S A RING TO PROVE I'M NO JOKER
(Bell voices.)
THERE'S THREE WAYS THAT LOVE CAN GROW
THAT'S GOOD - BAD - OR MEDIOCRE
J-A-N-E-T
I LOVE YOU SO.

        JANET. PHANTOMS.
OH IT'S NICER THAN BETTY MUNROE HAD. Oh Brad.
NOW WE'RE ENGAGED AND I'M SO GLAD. Oh Brad.
THAT YOU'VE MET MOM AND YOU KNOW DAD. Oh Brad.
I'VE ONE THING TO SAY AND THAT'S ...
BRAD - I'M MAD - FOR YOU TOO.

OH BRAD.

        BRAD.
OH DAMN IT.

        JANET.
I'M MAD.

        BRAD.
OH JANET.

        JANET.
FOR YOU.

        BRAD. PHANTOMS.
I LOVE YOU TOO - THERE'S ONE THING LEFT
TO DO AND THAT'S...
GO SEE THE MAN THAT BEGAN IT Janet
WHEN WE MET IN HIS SCIENCE EXAM IT
MADE ME GIVE YOU THE EYE AND THEN PANIC Janet
NOW I'VE ONE THING TO SAY AND THAT'S ...
DAMN IT - JANET - I LOVE YOU.

DAMN IT JANET.

        JANET.
OH BRAD I'M MAD.

        BRAD.
DAMN IT JANET.

        JANET.
I LOVE YOU.

(Song ends. Black out.)
(BRAD, JANET and PHANTOMS exit.)
(Spotlight on.)

        NARRATOR. I would like - if I may - to take you on a strange journey. It seemed a fairly ordinary night when Brad Majors, and his fiancée Janet Weiss ... (two young ordinary healthy kids) ... left Denton that late November evening to visit a Dr. Evrett Scott ex tutor and now friend to both of them ... It's true there were dark storm clouds, heavy - black and pendulous - toward which they were driving, it's true also that the spare tire they were carrying was badly in need of some air - but they being normal kids and on a night out - well - they were not going to let a storm spoil the events of their evening. On a night out. (Thunder) It was a night out they were to remember (Thunder) for a very - long - time.

Scene Two

(Sound of a car approaching through a stormy night.)
(Headlights)
(Car stops.)

        BRAD. Hmmm.
        JANET. What's the matter, Brad darling?
        BRAD. I think we took the wrong fork a few miles back there. We'd better go on ahead up the road and see if we can find our way back. (They move off. BLOW-OUT.) Oh darn! Janet.
        JANET. What was that bang?
        BRAD. We seem to have a blow-out in the front left-hand tire.
        JANET. Oh ...

(Pause. Lightning and thunder.)

        BRAD. You'd better stay here and keep warm while I go for help.
        JANET. But where will you go? We're in the middle of nowhere.
        BRAD. Didn't we pass a castle back down the road a few miles? Maybe they have a telephone I might use.
        JANET. I'm coming with you.
        BRAD. There's no point in both of us getting wet.
        JANET. I'm coming with you. Besides, darling, the owner of the phone may be a beautiful woman, and you may never come back.
        BRAD. Ha Ha Ha.

(PHANTOMS take up the laughter - They exit with car.)

[Song: "OVER AT THE FRANKENSTEIN PLACE"]

        JANET.
IN THE VELVET DARKNESS
OF THE BLACKEST NIGHT
BURNING BRIGHT - THERE'S A GUIDING STAR
NO MATTER WHAT OR WHO YOU ARE.

        BRAD & JANET.
THERE'S A LIGHT

        PHANTOMS.
OVER AT THE FRANKENSTEIN PLACE

        BRAD & JANET.
THERE'S A LIGHT

        PHANTOMS.
BURNING IN THE FIREPLACE

        JANET.
THERE'S A LIGHT ... LIGHT IN THE DARKNESS OF
EVERYBODY'S LIFE

        BRAD.
I CAN SEE THE FLAG FLY
I CAN SEE THE RAIN
JUST THE SAME - THERE HAS GOT TO BE
SOMETHING BETTER HERE - FOR YOU AND ME.

        BRAD & JANET.
THERE'S A LIGHT

        PHANTOMS.
OVER AT THE FRANKENSTEIN PLACE

        BRAD & JANET.
THERE'S A LIGHT

        PHANTOMS.
BURNING IN THE FIREPLACE

        BRAD.
THERE'S A LIGHT ... LIGHT IN THE DARKNESS OF
EVERYBODY'S LIFE

(A light pin spots RIFF RAFF.)

        RIFF RAFF.
THE DARKNESS MUST GO
DOWN THE RIVER OF NIGHTS DREAMING
FLOW MORPHIA SLOW LET THE SUN AND LIGHT
COME STREAMING INTO MY LIFE

INTO MY LIFE

        JANET & BRAD.
THERE'S A LIGHT

        PHANTOMS.
OVER AT THE FRANKENSTEIN PLACE

        JANET & BRAD.
THERE'S A LIGHT

        PHANTOMS.
BURNING IN THE FIREPLACE
THERE'S A LIGHT - LIGHT

        JANET & BRAD.
IN THE DARKNESS OF EVERYBODY'S LIFE

(Song ends.)
(Lightning)

        JANET. (Screams)
        BRAD. It's all right, Janet.
        JANET. Oh Brad let's go back. I'm cold and I'm frightened.
        BRAD. Just a moment, Janet, they may have a telephone.

(PHANTOMS enter - mime a door.)
(He rings the bell ... No answer ... Rings again ... At last the door opens.)
(Door creak.)

        RIFF RAFF. (Looking past them as if for others, or some-one else.) Hello.
        BRAD. Oh: Uh: Ahh: Hi there, we're in a bit of a spot, I wonder could you help us - our car is broken down about two miles back - do you have a telephone we might use ... ?
        RIFF RAFF. (Pause) You're wet.
        JANET. Yes - the rain has been very heavy.
        BRAD. Yes.
        RIFF RAFF. Yes - (Lightning and Thunder.) I think you better both come inside.
        JANET. You're too kind.
        RIFF RAFF. (Mimics JANET.) You're too kind.

(Shuts door.)
(Blackout.)

        NARRATOR. (Spotlight on.) And so - after braving the inclement weather, and some not too little time - it seemed that fortune had smiled on Brad and Janet and that they had found the assistance that their plight required - or had they? - There was certainly something about this house (to which, a flat tire and a wet night had brought them) that made the both of them uneasy - but, if they were to reach their destination that night, they would have to ignore such feelings and take advantage of whatever help was offered.

Scene Three

(Interior dimly lit.)
(PHANTOMS wander set with various experimental surgical elements - ie brain in bottle.)
(RIFF RAFF enters, beckons JANET and BRAD.)

        RIFF RAFF. Wait here.
        BRAD. (To RIFF RAFF as he exits.) Excuse me.
        JANET. (Looking around.) Oh Brad what sort of a place is this - I'm frightened.
        BRAD. It's probably some sort of hunting lodge for rich weirdos - but you're shivering.
        JANET. Yes I'm wet.
        BRAD. Look feel this - there's hot air coming from this grille in the wall - take off your sweater and dry it here. I'll keep a look out for the undertaker.
        JANET. (Screams as sweater is snatched from her by hand through grill.) Oh!
        BRAD. For God's sake keep a grip on yourself Janet. I'm here - there's nothing to worry about. (She smiles.) Here dry my coat too.
        JANET. O.K. (RIFF RAFF, COLUMBIA and MAGENTA enter. JANET screams.) Agghhh!!!
        BRAD. It's alright, Janet. Excuse me, hi, look if I could just use your phone, we'll move right along - I'm sure you've got a lot of things to do and a great evening planned.
        RIFF RAFF. Oh yes, you've arrived on a rather special night, the master is having one of his affairs.
        JANET. Lucky old him.
        MAGENTA. Yeah - he's lucky - I'm lucky - you're lucky - we're all lucky ...
        COLUMBIA. All except Eddie.
        RIFF RAFF. SSHHH!!!
        JANET. Eddie?
        RIFF RAFF & MAGENTA. SSHHH!!!
        MAGENTA. The delivery boy.
        COLUMBIA. His delivery wasn't good enough.
        RIFF RAFF. The master only wanted to help the boy better his position.
        BRAD. That's very commendable ...
        RIFF RAFF. Yes, it seems like only yesterday since he went ...
        JANET. Where?
        MAGENTA. To pieces.
        RIFF RAFF & MAGENTA. Ha Ha Ha.

(MAGENTA, COLUMBIA and RIFF RAFF sing, PHANTOMS join after first verse.)

[Song: "THE TIME WARP"]

        RIFF RAFF.
IT'S ASTOUNDING - TIME IS FLEETING
MADNESS TAKES IT'S TOLL
BUT LISTEN CLOSELY -

        MAGENTA & COLUMBIA.
NOT FOR VERY MUCH LONGER

        RIFF RAFF.
I'VE GOT TO KEEP CONTROL
I REMEMBER DOING THE TIME WARP
DRINKING THOSE MOMENTS WHEN
THE BLACKNESS WOULD HIT ME -
AND THE VOID WOULD BE CALLING

        ALL.
LET'S DO THE TIME WARP AGAIN
LET'S DO THE TIME WARP AGAIN

(CHORUS)

        NARRATOR. (MR. BASSMAN)
IT'S JUST A JUMP TO THE LEFT

        ALL.
AND THEN A STEP TO THE RIGHT

        NARRATOR.
WITH YOUR HANDS ON YOUR HIPS

        ALL.
YOU BRING YOUR KNEES IN TIGHT

BUT IT'S THE PELVIC THRUST
THAT STARTS TO DRIVE YOU INSANE

LET'S DO THE TIME WARP AGAIN
LET'S DO THE TIME WARP AGAIN

        MAGENTA.
IT'S SO DREAMY - OH FANTASY FREE ME
SO YOU CAN'T SEE ME - NO NOT AT ALL
IN ANOTHER DIMENSION - WITH VOYEURISTIC INTENTION
WELL SECLUDED - I'LL SEE ALL

WITH A BIT OF A MIND FLIP - YOU'RE THERE IN
THE TIME SLIP
NOTHING CAN EVER BE THE SAME
YOU'RE SPACED OUT ON SENSATION

        RIFF RAFF & MAGENTA.
LIKE YOU'RE UNDER SEDATION

        ALL.
LET'S DO THE TIME WARP AGAIN
LET'S DO THE TIME WARP AGAIN

(CHORUS)

        NARRATOR. (MR. BASSMAN)
IT'S JUST A JUMP TO THE LEFT

        ALL.
AND THEN A STEP TO THE RIGHT

        NARRATOR.
WITH YOUR HANDS ON YOUR HIPS

        ALL.
YOU BRING YOUR KNEES IN TIGHT

BUT IT'S THE PELVIC THRUST
THAT STARTS TO DRIVE YOU INSANE

LET'S DO THE TIME WARP AGAIN
LET'S DO THE TIME WARP AGAIN

        COLUMBIA.

WELL I WAS WALKING DOWN THE STREET
JUST HAVING A THINK
WHEN A SNAKE OF A GUY GAVE ME AN EVIL WINK
WELL IT SHOOK ME UP, IT TOOK ME BY SURPRISE
HE HAD A PICK UP TRUCK AND THE DEVIL'S EYES
OH - HE STARED AT ME AND I FELT A CHANGE
TIME MEANT NOTHING - NEVER WOULD AGAIN

        ALL.
LET'S DO THE TIME WARP AGAIN
LET'S DO THE TIME WARP AGAIN

(COLUMBIA - Tap break.)

LET'S DO THE TIME WARP AGAIN
LET'S DO THE TIME WARP AGAIN

(CHORUS)

        NARRATOR. (MR. BASSMAN)
IT'S JUST A JUMP TO THE LEFT

        ALL.
AND THEN A STEP TO THE RIGHT

        NARRATOR.
WITH YOUR HANDS ON YOUR HIPS

        ALL.
YOU BRING YOUR KNEES IN TIGHT

BUT IT'S THE PELVIC THRUST
THAT STARTS TO DRIVE YOU INSANE

LET'S DO THE TIME WARP AGAIN
LET'S DO THE TIME WARP AGAIN

(Song ends. RIFF RAFF, MAGENTA, COLUMBIA move menacingly toward BRAD and JANET.)

        JANET. Say something Brad.
        BRAD. Ah ... say, do you guys know how to Madison? Janet - out, out, step touch, step touch.

(Beat to "Sweet Transvestite")
(RIFF RAFF, MAGENTA, COLUMBIA and PHANTOMS break off and prepare for entrance.)

        JANET. Brad, let's get out of here, it seems so unhealthy here - I want to go.
        BRAD. Well we can't go anywhere until I get to a phone.
        JANET. This isn't the junior Chamber of Commerce Brad.
        BRAD. They're probably foreigners with ways different to our own, they may do some more folk dancing.
        JANET. Look I'm cold, I'm wet and I'm just plain scared.
        BRAD. I'm here Janet, there's nothing to worry about.

(FRANK appears.)

[Song: "SWEET TRANSVESTITE"]

        FRANK.
HOW DO YOU DO
I SEE YOU'VE MET MY FAITHFUL HANDYMAN
HE'S A LITTLE BROUGHT DOWN
BECAUSE WHEN YOU KNOCKED
HE THOUGHT YOU WERE THE CANDYMAN
(Spoken) Didn't you Freaky.

DON'T GET STRUNG OUT BY THE WAY THAT I LOOK
DON'T JUDGE A BOOK BY IT'S COVER
I'M NOT MUCH OF A MAN
BY THE LIGHT OF DAY
BUT BY NIGHT I'M ONE HELL OF A LOVER
I'M JUST A SWEET TRANSVESTITE
FROM TRANSSEXUAL
TRANSYLVANIA.

LET ME SHOW YOU AROUND, MAYBE PLAY YOU A SOUND
YOU LOOK LIKE YOU'RE BOTH PRETTY GROOVY
OR IF YOU WANT SOMETHING VISUAL THAT'S NOT
TOO ABYSMAL
WE COULD TAKE IN AN OLD STEVE REEVES MOVIE

        BRAD.
I'M GLAD WE CAUGHT YOU AT HOME
AH - COULD WE USE YOUR PHONE
WE'RE BOTH IN A BIT OF A HURRY
WE'LL JUST SAY WHERE WE ARE
THEN GO BACK TO THE CAR
WE DON'T WANT TO BE ANY WORRY

        FRANK.
YOU GOT CAUGHT WITH A FLAT
WELL HOW ABOUT THAT
WELL BABIES DON'T YOU PANIC
BY THE LIGHT OF THE NIGHT
IT'LL ALL SEEM ALRIGHT
I'LL GET YOU A SATANIC MECHANIC

I'M JUST A
SWEET TRANSVESTITE
FROM TRANSSEXUAL
TRANSYLVANIA

WHY DON'T CHA STAY FOR THE NIGHT

        RIFF RAFF, MAGENTA & COLUMBIA.
NIGHT

        FRANK.
OR MAYBE A BITE

        RIFF RAFF, MAGENTA & COLUMBIA.
BITE

        FRANK.
I COULD SHOW YOU MY FAVOURITE OBSESSION
I'VE BEEN MAKING A MAN
WITH BLOND HAIR AND A TAN
AND HE'S GOOD FOR RELIEVING MY TENSION

I'M JUST A SWEET TRANSVESTITE
FROM TRANSSEXUAL
TRANSYLVANIA

        RIFF RAFF, MAGENTA & COLUMBIA.
HIT IT, HIT IT

        FRANK.

I'M JUST A
SWEET TRANSVESTITE
FROM TRANSSEXUAL
TRANSYLVANIA

SO COME UP TO THE LAB
AND SEE WHAT'S ON THE SLAB
I SEE YOU SHIVER IN ANTICIPATION
BUT MAYBE THE RAIN
IS REALLY TO BLAME
SO I'LL REMOVE THE CAUSE BUT NOT
THE SYMPTOM

(FRANK exits. The SERVANTS undress JANET and BRAD. They are reduced to 50s underwear.)

        BRAD. (Aside to JANET.) It's all right, Janet, everything's gonna be all right, we'll just play along for now - and we'll pull out the aces when the time is right.
        JANET. This is no time for card tricks, Brad, are you sure we'll be alright?
        MAGENTA. (Snatches JANET's bag.) No bags.
        BRAD. I'm sure, Janet. (To COLUMBIA, MAGENTA and RIFF RAFF.) Uh. Hi there - I'm Brad Majors, this is Janet Weiss - my fiancée - You are ...
        COLUMBIA. You're very lucky to be invited up to Frank's laboratory, a lot of people would give their right arm for the privilege.
        BRAD. People like you maybe.
        COLUMBIA. I've seen it.
        JANET. Is he ... is Frank ... your husband?
        RIFF RAFF. The master is not yet married, nor do I think ever will be - we are simply his servants.

(RIFF RAFF exits with their clothes.)
(FRANK enters.)

Scene Four

        FRANK. Unlock a mind - unmind a lock - it's the same as the beginning of the end - do you follow?
        JANET. No.
        BRAD. It's an anagram, Janet.
        FRANK. I wonder may I offer you something refreshing?
        BRAD & JANET. No.
        FRANK. No. You're right, I won't - how delightful to have fresh faces around. Magenta - Columbia - go and assist Riff Raff - I will entertain - Ahh.
        BRAD. Brad Majors.
        FRANK. Brad Majors.
        BRAD. And this is my fiancée Janet Weiss.

(He pronounces it "Vice".)

        JANET. Weiss.
        BRAD. Weiss.
        FRANK. Enchanted. How nice - and what charming under-clothes you both have - but here, put these on. (He hands JANET a lab coat and helps BRAD on with his, during speech.) They'll make you feel less vulnerable. We don't often receive visitors here, let alone show them hospitality ...
        BRAD. Hospitality! All we wanted was to use your phone, a reasonable request which you have chosen to ignore.
        JANET. Don't be ungrateful, Brad.
        BRAD. Ungrateful!
        FRANK. How forceful you are, Brad, what a perfect example of manhood - so dominant - you must be very proud, Janet.
        JANET. Yes.
        FRANK. Tell me Brad, do you have any tattoos?
        BRAD. Certainly not.
        FRANK. Oh well ... (To JANET.) How about you?

(Enter RIFF RAFF.)

        RIFF RAFF. Everything is in readiness Master, we merely wait for you to give the word.
        FRANK. Tonight Brad and Janet, you are to witness a new breakthrough in Biochemical research and paradise is to be mine ...
        JANET. Oh how wonderful for you.
        FRANK. Yes. It was strange the way it happened ... one of those quirks of fate really ... one of those moments when ... everything looks black, the chips are down, your back is against the wall. You panic - you're trapped - there's no way out and even if there was it would probably be a one way ticket to the bottom of the bay. And then suddenly you get a break - all the pieces seem to fit into place - what a sucker you'd been - what a fool - the answer was there all the time - it took a small accident to make it happen. (All look at FRANK in amazement.) An accident.
        MAGENTA & COLUMBIA. An accident.
        FRANK. That's how I discovered the secret - that elusive ingredient - that spark that is the breath of life. Yes I have that knowledge, I hold the key to life itself, you see Brad and Janet you are fortunate for tonight is the night my beautiful creature is destined to be born. (Music) Throw open the switches on the Sonic Oscillator and step up the Reactor Power Input ... three more points.

(The lab has a series of mechanisms that can be changed according to its design.)
(The lab lights up in stages throughout the following.)
(3 CHORDS - 1, 2, 3.)

        JANET. Brad!
        BRAD. It's alright Janet.
        FRANK. Balls

(3 Chords.)

        JANET. Brad!
        BRAD. It's alright Janet.
        FRANK. Tubes

(3 Chords.)

        JANET. Brad!
        BRAD. It's alright Janet.
        FRANK. Crimps

(3 Chords.)
(ROCKY is revealed in swaddling clothes.)
(FRANK disrobes him during the song.)

[Song: "THE SWORD OF DAMOCLES"]

        ROCKY.
THE SWORD OF DAMOCLES IS HANGING OVER MY HEAD
AND I'VE GOT THE FEELING SOMEONE IS GONNA BE
CUTTING THE THREAD
OH WOE IS ME - MY LIFE IS A MISERY
OH CAN'T YOU SEE I'M AT THE START
OF A PRETTY BIG DOWNER
I WOKE UP THIS MORNING WITH A START WHEN
I FELL OUT OF THE BED

        ALL.
THAT AIN'T NO CRIME

        ROCKY.
AND LEFT FROM MY DREAMING WAS A FEELING
OF UNAMIABLE DREAD

        ALL.
THAT AIN'T NO CRIME

        ROCKY.
MY HIGH IS LOW - I'M DRESSED UP WITH NO PLACE
TO GO AND ALL I KNOW IS I'M AT THE
START OF A PRETTY BIG DOWNER

        ALL.
(SHA LA LA LA THAT AIN'T NO CRIME)
(SHA LA LA LA THAT AIN'T NO CRIME)
(SHA LA LA LA THAT AIN'T NO CRIME)
(THAT AIN'T NO CRIME)

        NARRATOR.
ROCKY HORROR YOU NEED PEACE OF MIND - AND I
WANT TO TELL YOU THAT YOU'RE DOING JUST FINE
YOU'RE THE PRODUCT OF ANOTHER TIME AND
FEELING DOWN WELL THAT'S NO CRIME

        ALL.
THAT AIN'T NO CRIME

        ROCKY.
THE SWORD OF DAMOCLES IS HANGING OVER MY HEAD

        ALL.
THAT AIN'T NO CRIME

        ROCKY.
AND I'VE GOT THE FEELING THAT SOMEONE'S GOING TO BE
CUTTING THE THREAD

        ALL.
THAT AIN'T NO CRIME

        ROCKY.
OH WOE IS ME - MY LIFE IS A MYSTERY
OH CAN'T YOU SEE THAT I'M AT THE START
OF A PRETTY BIG DOWNER

        ALL.
SHA LA LA LA THAT AIN'T NO CRIME
SHA LA LA LA THAT AIN'T NO CRIME
SHA LA LA LA THAT AIN'T NO CRIME
THAT AIN'T NO CRIME

SHA LA LA LA THAT AIN'T NO CRIME
SHA LA LA LA THAT AIN'T NO CRIME

(SHA LA LA LA THAT AIN'T NO CRIME)
THAT AIN'T NO CRIME
SHA LA LA

(Song ends.)

        FRANK. Well really - that's no way to behave on your first day out.
        ROCKY. Well nobody's perfect - But I do think you made a pretty good job of the body work.
        FRANK. You are the result of many hours of toil - and now my beautiful creature you're ready for the ultimate test.
        ROCKY. Oh dear.
        FRANK. But first meet the family. Well Riff Raff what do you think?
        RIFF RAFF. He's a credit to my/your genius.
        FRANK. Magenta?
        MAGENTA. A triumph of the will.
        FRANK. What do you think Columbia?
        COLUMBIA. He's OK.
        FRANK. OK! I think we can do better than that. Well, Brad and Janet, what do you think?
        JANET. I don't like men with too many muscles.
        FRANK. I didn't make him for you. He carries the Charles Atlas seal of approval. Maestro ...

[Song: "I CAN MAKE YOU A MAN"]

        FRANK.
A WEAKLING WEIGHING 98 POUNDS
GETS SAND IN HIS FACE WHEN KICKED
TO THE GROUND
AND SOON IN THE GYM
WITH A DETERMINED CHIN
THE SWEAT FROM HIS PORES
AS HE WORKS FOR HIS CAUSE
WILL MAKE HIM GLISTEN AND GLEAM
AND WITH MASSAGE AND JUST A BIT OF STEAM
HE'LL BE PINK BUT QUITE CLEAN
HE'LL BE A STRONG MAN

        ALL.
BUT THE WRONG MAN

        FRANK.
HE'LL EAT NUTRITIOUS HIGH-PROTEIN
AND SWALLOW RAW EGGS
TRY TO BUILD UP HIS SHOULDERS
CHEST, ARMS AND LEGS
SUCH AN EFFORT
IF ONLY HE KNEW OF MY PLAN
WHEN IN JUST SEVEN DAYS
I CAN MAKE YOU A MAN

HE'LL DO PRESS UPS AND CHIN UPS
THE SNATCH CLEAN AND JERK
DYNAMIC TENSION
MUST BE AWFULLY HARD WORK
SUCH STRENUOUS LIVING
I JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND
WHEN IN JUST SEVEN DAYS
I CAN MAKE YOU A MAN

        COLUMBIA. Eddie!

(A coke machine is revealed. EDDIE is inside.)

[Song: "HOT PATOOTIE"]

        EDDIE.
WHATEVER HAPPENED TO SATURDAY NIGHT
WHEN YOU DRESSED UP SHARP AND YOU FELT ALRIGHT
IT DON'T SEEM THE SAME SINCE COSMIC LIGHT
CAME INTO MY LIFE AND I THOUGHT I WAS DIVINE
I USED TO GO FOR A RIDE WITH A CHICK WHO'D GO
AND LISTEN TO THE MUSIC ON THE RADIO
A SAXOPHONE WAS BLOWING ON A ROCK AND ROLL SHOW
AND YOU CLIMBED IN THE BACK AND YOU REALLY HAD
A GOOD TIME

        ALL.
HOT PATOOTIE BLESS MY SOUL
I REALLY LOVE THAT ROCK AND ROLL

HOT PATOOTIE BLESS MY SOUL
I REALLY LOVE THAT ROCK AND ROLL

HOT PATOOTIE BLESS MY SOUL
I REALLY LOVE THAT ROCK AND ROLL

HOT PATOOTIE BLESS MY SOUL
I REALLY LOVE THAT ROCK AND ROLL

        EDDIE.
MY HEAD USED TO SWIM FROM THE PERFUME I SMELT
MY HANDS KIND OF FUMBLED WITH HER WHITE PLASTIC BELT
I'D TASTE HER BABY PINK LIPSTICK AND THAT'S WHEN I'D MELT
AND SHE'D WHISPER IN MY EAR TONIGHT SHE REALLY WAS MINE

GET BACK IN FRONT AND PUT SOME HAIR OIL ON
BUDDY HOLLY WAS SINGING HIS VERY LAST SONG
WITH YOUR ARM ROUND YOUR GIRL YOU'D TRY TO SING ALONG
YOU FELT PRETTY GOOD 'CAUSE YOU'D REALLY HAD A GOOD TIME

        ALL.
HOT PATOOTIE BLESS MY SOUL
I REALLY LOVE THAT ROCK AND ROLL

HOT PATOOTIE BLESS MY SOUL
I REALLY LOVE THAT ROCK AND ROLL

HOT PATOOTIE BLESS MY SOUL
I REALLY LOVE THAT ROCK AND ROLL

HOT PATOOTIE BLESS MY SOUL
I REALLY LOVE THAT ROCK AND ROLL

HOT PATOOTIE BLESS MY SOUL
I REALLY LOVE THAT ROCK AND ROLL

HOT PATOOTIE BLESS MY SOUL
I REALLY LOVE THAT ROCK AND ROLL

HOT PATOOTIE BLESS MY SOUL
I REALLY LOVE THAT ROCK AND ROLL

HOT PATOOTIE BLESS MY SOUL
I REALLY LOVE THAT ROCK AND ROLL

(EDDIE is forced back into container.)
(FRANK kills him violently.)
(COLUMBIA is distraught.)

        FRANK. One from the vaults. (He transforms her mood.) Columbia
        ROCKY. Why do you keep him in there? He's so ugly.
        FRANK. A certain naive charm. But no muscle. We had a mental relationship -

[Song: "I CAN MAKE YOU A MAN" continued]

        FRANK.
BUT A DELTOID AND A BICEP
A HOT GROIN AND A TRICEP
MAKES ME SHAKE
MAKES ME WANT TO TAKE
CHARLES ATLAS BY THE HAND

        PHANTOMS.
IN JUST SEVEN DAYS I CAN MAKE YOU A MAN

        FRANK.
I DON'T WANT NO DISSENSION
JUST DYNAMIC TENSION

        JANET.
I'M A MUSCLE FAN

        ALL.
IN JUST SEVEN DAYS I CAN MAKE YOU A MAN

        FRANK.
DIG IT IF YOU CAN

        ALL.
IN JUST SEVEN DAYS I CAN MAKE YOU A MAN

(Band plays "WEDDING MARCH".)
(MAGENTA and COLUMBIA give FRANK a bouquet and veil.)
(PHANTOMS throw confetti.)
(Wedding procession takes place.)
(FRANK throws the bouquet.)
(RIFF RAFF catches it.)
(Curtain)

END OF ACT I


ACT II
ENTRAC

(NARRATOR enters on last bar of "Time Warp".)

        NARRATOR. Welcome back, (Insert City.). Do pay attention. There are those who say life is an illusion - And reality as we know it, is merely a figment of our imaginations. If this is so, Brad and Janet are quite safe. But - there are some who have a far more physical philosophy - those who would stop at nothing to satisfy their base desires - It could be that Brad and Janet are among those who hold the devil's reins.

Scene Five
"JANET'S ROOM"

(Voices in Blackout.)
(Action in both scenes should be exactly the same.)

        JANET'S. Oh Brad - Oh Yes - Yes my darling - What if -
        BRAD'S. It's all right Janet - everything's going to be all right.
        JANET'S. Oh I hope so my darling. I'm so fri ... (Lights up. Scene played in silhouette.) You!
        FRANK. I'm afraid so Janet but wasn't it nice ...
        JANET. You beast - you monster - what have you done with Brad?
        FRANK. Mmm - nothing - why, do you think I should?
        JANET. You tricked me - I wouldn't have - I've never - Oh my God - never.

(FRANK removes condom and throws it away.)

        FRANK. I know - but it wasn't all bad was it? Not really even half bad - in fact, I think perhaps you found it quite - pleasurable - Mmm - so soft so - sensual.
        JANET. Ahh - no - stop - I mean help - I - Brad - Ohhh - Brad.
        FRANK. Shh. Brad's probably asleep by now - do you want him to see you like this?
        JANET. Like this? Like how?
        FRANK. Like this.
        JANET. It's your fault, you're to blame ... I was - saving myself.
        FRANK. Well I'm sure you're not spent yet and it was an enjoyable experience was it not? (Lights dim.) You did like it didn't you? There's no crime in giving yourself over to pleasure - is there? We could try for an action replay - Oh Janet you've wasted so much time already - Brad needn't know. I won't tell him, Mmmm.

(Blackout)

        JANET. Are you sure you won't tell him. Ohhh ...

Scene Six
"BRAD'S ROOM"

(Voices in blackout.)

        JANET'S. Oh Brad - Oh yes - Yes my darling, but what if ...
        BRAD'S. It's all right Janet everything's going to be all right.
        JANET'S. I hope so my darling.

(Lights up.)
(Scene played in silhouette.)

        BRAD. You!
        FRANK. I'm afraid so Brad - but wasn't it nice ...
        BRAD. You fiend, you scoundrel - What have you done with Janet?
        FRANK. Mmm - nothing - why, do you think I should?
        BRAD. You tricked me, I wouldn't have - I've never - Oh my God - never.

(FRANK removes condom from BRAD.)

        FRANK. I know - but it wasn't all bad was it? Not really even half bad, in fact, I think you found it quite pleasurable - Oh so soft - so sensual.
        BRAD. Ah - Help - No - stop. I mean - Janet - Ohh - Janet.
        FRANK. Shh - Janet's probably asleep by now - Do you want her to see you like this?
        BRAD. Like this - like how -
        FRANK. Like this.
        BRAD. It's your fault. You're to blame - I thought it was the real thing.
        FRANK. Oh come on Brad admit it. It was enjoyable wasn't it? You liked it didn't you? There's no crime in giving yourself over to pleasure -is there? (Lights dim.) We could try for an action replay. Oh Brad you've wasted so much time already - Janet needn't know. I won't tell her - Mmm ...

(Blackout)

        BRAD. Are you sure you won't tell her - Ohhh ...
        RIFF RAFF. (On intercom.) Master - The laboratory is empty. Rocky has vanished - the new playmate is loose and somewhere in the building.
        FRANK. Oh - Wow - What a - Mmm - Oh - Coming.

Scene Seven
LABORATORY

(Enter JANET.)

        JANET. What's happening here - Where's Brad? - Where's anybody? If only we hadn't made this journey - if only the car hadn't broken down - if only we were amongst friends or sane persons.
        NARRATOR. If and only - two small words that kept repeating themselves again and again in Janet's thoughts, but it was too late to go back now - it was as if she were riding a giant tidal wave, it would be folly to fight against it - her only chance would be to ride it out - adapt - and perhaps also - survive.

(Enter ROCKY.)

        ROCKY. Oh! It's you - look I'm trying to hide from my creator and his minion - they scare me - I feel that all is not well here. I have been thinking a lot about - (Eddie) I have a feeling of foreboding.
        JANET. It's all like some terrible dream.
        ROCKY. Is it true you don't like men with too many muscles?
        JANET. Well ...
        ROCKY. Have you got any lip gloss?
        JANET. I'm engaged to Brad, just the same as Betty Munroe was to Ralf Hapshatt. But Frank's kisses overwhelmed me with an ecstasy I had never dreamed of before - hot burning kisses - I could see Brad's face before me, and my mind screamed - No! - but my lips were hungry, too hungry - I wanted to be loved, and loved completely - my body throbbed excitedly - Oh Brad, Brad my darling how could I have done this to you.
        ROCKY. This room is a womb to me.
        JANET. Yes - there you see, it's instinctive - you returned here for one thing - security. Oh where's Brad - ? (She fiddles with TV monitor.) What have they done with him?
        NARRATOR. Janet's feelings ran wild as she frantically manipulated the selector switch on the TV monitor - The screen threw up images of empty rooms and corridors - finally she stopped - at Frank's bedroom.

(Sees FRANK kissing BRAD.)

        JANET. Aaahhh!
        NARRATOR. Aaahhh!
        ROCKY. Oh, you can't rely on anyone.
        JANET. Oh Brad! - How could you?

(They all bend over trying to work out position on screen.)

        NARRATOR. If one is suffering from the pangs of remorse for a sexual indiscretion - it would seem logical that the transgressor would be sympathetic toward a loved one caught committing a similar misdemeanor - But emotion is an irrational and powerful master - and from what Janet witnessed on the monitor - there seemed little doubt that she was indeed its slave.

(MAGENTA and COLUMBIA enter and watch quietly.)

        MAGENTA & COLUMBIA. Tell us about it Janet.

[Song: "TOUCH-A TOUCH-A TOUCH ME"]

        JANET.
I WAS FEELING DONE IN
COULDN'T WIN
I'D ONLY EVER KISSED BEFORE

        MAGENTA & COLUMBIA.
YOU MEAN SHE'D ONLY EVER KISSED

        JANET.
AHA

I THOUGHT THERE'S NO USE GETTING
INTO HEAVY PETTING
IT ONLY LEADS TO TROUBLE
AND SEAT WETTING
NOW ALL I WANT TO KNOW
IS HOW TO GO
I'VE TASTED BLOOD AND I WANT MORE.

        MAGENTA & COLUMBIA.
MORE, MORE, MORE

        JANET.
I'LL PUT UP NO RESISTANCE
I WANT TO STAY THE DISTANCE
I'VE GOT AN ITCH TO SCRATCH
AND I NEED ASSISTANCE

(CHORUS)

TOUCH-A TOUCH-A TOUCH-A-TOUCH ME
I WANT TO BE DIRTY
THRILL ME CHILL ME FULFILL ME
CREATURE OF THE NIGHT

THEN IF ANYTHING GROWS
WHEN YOU POSE
I'LL OIL YOU UP AND RUB YOU DOWN

        MAGENTA & COLUMBIA.
DOWN, DOWN, DOWN

AND THAT'S JUST ONE SMALL FRACTION
OF THE MAIN ATTRACTION
YOU NEED A FRIENDLY HAND
AND I NEED ACTION

        JANET.
TOUCH-A TOUCH-A TOUCH-A-TOUCH ME
I WANT TO BE DIRTY
THRILL ME CHILL ME FULFILL ME
CREATURE OF THE NIGHT

TOUCH-A TOUCH-A TOUCH-A-TOUCH ME
I WANT TO BE DIRTY
THRILL ME CHILL ME FULFILL ME
CREATURE OF THE NIGHT

TOUCH-A TOUCH-A TOUCH-A-TOUCH ME
I WANT TO BE DIRTY
THRILL ME CHILL ME FULFILL ME
CREATURE OF THE NIGHT

CREATURE OF THE NIGHT

CREATURE OF THE NIGHT

(Blackout)

Scene Eight

(RIFF RAFF enters fleeing from FRANK.)
(He runs toward MAGENTA.)

        RIFF RAFF. Aaaggghhh! - Mercy! Master
        FRANK. (With whip.) How did it happen - I understood you were to be watching.
        RIFF RAFF. I was only away for a moment, Master ...
        FRANK. See if you can find him on the monitor. Oh Magenta. Oh Rocky. Oh Rocky. Oh Rocky.

(Click - BRAD's empty room - switch - switch - switch - JANET's room.)

        RIFF RAFF. I've located him in the female's quarters, Master.
        FRANK. Rocky! I think I'm going to ...

(FRANK faints.)

        RIFF RAFF. Faint.
        MAGENTA. Master.

(They laugh as they carry him off.)

        BRAD. (Enters, sees TV.) Janet! How could she? That's it - it's over.
        NARRATOR. Over! What was over? Not the night that was certain. Brad and Janet's engagement? Their love for one another? Who could say - for questions such as these are not to be answered by the academic, they must be left for the heart to solve and Brad you may be sure, had plenty of heart.

[Song: "ONCE IN A WHILE"]

        BRAD.
ONCE IN A WHILE
SHE DON'T WANT TO CALL YOU
SPEAKING ON THE TELEPHONE
AND ONCE IN YOUR LIFE
SHE DON'T WANT TO KNOW YOU
YOU LOOK AROUND
THE ONE YOU FOUND
SHE IS GONE

        NARRATOR.
HUMMINAH HUMMINAH HUMMINAH HUMMINAH HUM

(PHANTOMS appear as back-up singers dressed as JANET.)

        BRAD.
AND THAT'S ALL THE TIME
THAT IT TAKES
FOR A HEART TO TURN TO STONE
THE SWEETER THE WINE
THE HARDER TO MAKE THE BREAK
YOU HEAR SOMETHING
ABOUT SOMEONE YOU THOUGHT YOU'D KNOWN

SO BABY DON'T CRY
LIKE THERE'S NO TOMORROW
AFTER THE NIGHT THERE'S BRAND NEW DAY
AND THERE'LL BE NO PAIN
AND NO MORE SORROW
SO WASH YOUR FACE
AND PHONE MY PLACE. IT'LL BE OKAY

AND THAT'S ALL THE TIME
THAT IT TAKES
FOR A HEART TO BEAT AGAIN
SO GIVE ME A SIGN
THAT A LOVER MAKES
YOU LOOK AROUND THE ONE
FOUND IS BACK AGAIN ... IS BACK AGAIN

        PHANTOMS.
IS BACK AGAIN

        BRAD & PHANTOMS.
IS BACK AGAIN
IS BACK AGAIN
IS BACK AGAIN
IS BACK AGAIN

        BRAD.
IS BACK AGAIN

(FRANK and RIFF RAFF enter.)

        FRANK. How maudlin - how pathetic - Your baggage has dared to defile my beautiful creature - Oh Rocky how could you?
        RIFF RAFF. (Fiddles with TV monitor.) Master - we have a visitor.
        FRANK. Oh shit.
        BRAD. Great Scott - Scotty - Dr. Evrett Scott.
        RIFF RAFF. You know this earth -

(FRANK stops RIFF RAFF.)

        FRANK. This person.
        BRAD. Yes, I do. He's an old friend of mine.
        FRANK. I see - so this wasn't simply a chance meeting - you came here with a purpose.
        BRAD. That's not true - my car broke down - I told you.
        FRANK. I know what you told me, Brad - but this Dr. Evrett Scott, his name is not unknown to me.
        BRAD. He was a science teacher at Denton High.
        FRANK. And now he works for your Government - doesn't he, Brad? He's attached to the bureau of the investigation of that which you call UFO's - that's right, isn't it, Brad?
        BRAD. He might be - I don't know.
        RIFF RAFF. The intruder is entering the building, Master.
        FRANK. Ah he's in the Zen room. Seal off all exits - and all doors - except for those that lead here - Riff Raff - bring Rocky and Janet here - I think we should make this a social occasion. The three unexpected guests shall entertain us with a floor show - which I shall direct.

(FRANK makes a signal and door opens revealing DR. SCOTT.)

Scene Nine

(Enter DOCTOR SCOTT in wheelchair - COLUMBIA pushing him.)

        COLUMBIA. Hi - Ho - Silver.
        BRAD. Dr. Scott!
        SCOTTY. Brad - what are you doing here?
        FRANK. Don't play games, Dr. Scott. It was part of your plan, was it not, that Brad Majors and his female should check the layout for you - unfortunately for you all there is to be a change of plans - I'm sure you're adaptable, Dr. Scott - I know Brad is.
        SCOTTY. I can assure you that Brad's presence here comes as a complete surprise to me. As does the set up you have here - I didn't expect it to be quite so ...

(He goes to inspect laboratory.)

        FRANK. Sophisticated - Dr. Scott? Or should I say Dr. Von Scott?
        BRAD. What exactly are you implying?
        SCOTTY. They didn't prove nothink! Ah - this machine here ...
        BRAD. What do you think it is, Doc?
        SCOTTY. At this precise moment it's hard to tell - but it seems to be made of a metal that is not of this earth - I would say it was from another planet.

(JANET and ROCKY are revealed in lab.)
(The following dialogue should be repeated exactly the same each time.)

        JANET. Brad!
        SCOTTY. Janet!
        FRANK. Rocky!
        JANET. Dr. Scott! Brad!
        SCOTTY. Janet!
        FRANK. Rocky!
        JANET. Dr. Scott! Brad!
        SCOTTY. Janet!
        FRANK. Rocky!
        JANET. Dr. Scott!
        FRANK. Oh Rocky. Oh Rocky!
        ROCKY. Piss off.
        FRANK. Listen - I made him and I can break him just as easily - I'll pull his plug out.
        SCOTTY. I suppose you intend to do with us as you did for Eddie.
        PHANTOMS. Sshh!
        COLUMBIA. Eddie!
        MAGENTA & RIFF RAFF. Sshh!
        BRAD. Eddie - I've seen him, he looks terrible.
        PHANTOMS. Sshh!
        FRANK. What do you know of Eddie, Dr. Scott?
        SCOTTY. I happen to know a great deal about a lot of things - you see Eddie happens to be my nephew.
        BRAD. Dr. Scott!
        SCOTTY. Yes, Brad - my sister's boy. I knew he was in with a bad crowd, but it was worse than I imagined - aliens.
        BRAD. Tell them, Doc.

[Song: "EDDIE'S TEDDY"]

        SCOTTY.
FROM THE DAY HE WAS BORN, HE WAS TROUBLE
HE WAS THE THORN IN HIS MOTHER'S SIDE
SHE TRIED IN VAIN

        NARRATOR.
BUT HE NEVER CAUSED HER NOTHING BUT PAIN

        SCOTTY.
HE LEFT HOME THE DAY SHE DIED EIN SWEI TREI
FROM THE DAY SHE WAS GONE
ALL HE WANTED
WAS A ROCKIN' ROLL PORN AND A MOTOR BIKE
SHOOTIN' UP JUNK

        NARRATOR.
HE WAS A LOW DOWN CHEAP LITTLE PUNK

        SCOTTY.
TAKING EVERYONE FOR A RIDE

        ALL.
WHEN EDDIE SAID HE DIDN'T LIKE HIS TEDDY
YOU KNEW HE WAS A NO GOOD KID
BUT WHEN HE THREATENED YOUR LIFE
WITH A SWITCH BLADE KNIFE

        FRANK.
WHAT A GUY

        COLUMBIA.
MADE YOU CRY

        SCOTTY.
AND I DID

        COLUMBIA.
EVERYBODY SHOVED HIM
I VERY NEARLY LOVED HIM
I SAY HEY LISTEN TO ME
STAY SANE INSIDE INSANITY
BUT HE LOCKED THE DOOR AND THREW AWAY THE KEY

        SCOTTY.
BUT HE MUST HAVE BEEN DRAWN INTO SOMETHING
MAKING HIM WARN ME IN A NOTE WHICH READ

        ALL.
WHAT'S IT SAY, WHAT'S IT SAY?

        SCOTTY.
I'M OUT OF MY HEAD

        NARRATOR.
HURRY OR I MAY BE DEAD

        SCOTTY.
THEY MUSTN'T CARRY OUT THEIR EVIL DEEDS

        ALL.
WHEN EDDIE SAID HE DIDN'T LIKE HIS TEDDY
YOU KNEW HE WAS A NO GOOD KID
BUT WHEN HE THREATENED YOUR LIFE
WITH A SWITCH BLADE KNIFE

WHEN EDDIE SAID HE DIDN'T LIKE HIS TEDDY
YOU KNEW HE WAS A NO GOOD KID
BUT WHEN HE THREATENED YOUR LIFE
WITH A SWITCH BLADE KNIFE

        FRANK.
WHAT A GUY

        SCOTTY.
MAKES YOU CRY

        COLUMBIA.
AND I DID

        ALL.
HEY HEY HEY

        FRANK.
WHAT A GUY

        SCOTTY.
MAKES YOU CRY

        COLUMBIA.
AND I DID

        ALL.
HEY HEY HEY

        FRANK.
WHAT A GUY

        SCOTTY.
MAKES YOU CRY

        COLUMBIA.
AND I DID

        ALL.
YEAH YEAH YEAH

        FRANK.
WHAT A GUY

        COLUMBIA.
MAKES YOU CRY

        SCOTTY.
AND SHE DID

        ALL.
YES SHE DID

        SCOTTY & COLUMBIA.
AND WE DID

        ALL.
YES WE DID

EDDIE

        FRANK. Say a prayer for Eddie, I just defrosted him. (He pulls out a bag of blood and gore.) His destiny is in the bag.
        BRAD. Why you ...
        FRANK. (Flicks a switch.) There, that should restrain you all. Magenta.

(He holds out the bag.)

        MAGENTA. I'll put him down the waste disposal.
        FRANK. Clever girl.
        JANET. My feet - there's something wrong with my feet.
        SCOTTY. My wheels! My God! I can't move my wheels.
        BRAD. It's as if we're glued to the spot.
        FRANK. You are, so quake with fear you tiny fools - O.K. it's startime - Riff Raff set the sonic transducer on program 8 secure all levels at zero -
        MAGENTA. Relax.
        SCOTTY. You won't find earth people quite the easy mark that you imagine - this sonic transducer! It is I suppose some type of audio vibratory physiomolecular transport device!
        FRANK. You'd better believe it, baby.
        BRAD. You mean ... ?
        SCOTTY. Yes, Brad - it's something we ourselves have been working on. But it seems our friend here has found a way of perfecting it - a device that is capable of breaking down solid matter and then projecting it through space and who knows, perhaps even time itself.
        JANET. You mean he's going to send us to another planet?

[Song: "PLANET SCHMANET - WISE UP JANET WEISS"]

        FRANK.
PLANET-SHMANET JANET
TELL YOU ONCE
WON'T TELL YOU TWICE
YOU'D BETTER WISE UP JANET WEISS

Y'APPLE PIE
DON'T TASTE TOO NICE
YOU'D BETTER WISE UP JANET WEISS

I'VE LAID THE SEED
IT SHOULD BE ALL YOU NEED
YOU'RE AS SENSUAL
AS A PENCIL
WOUND UP LIKE AN 'E' OR FIRST STRING
WHEN WE MADE IT
DID JA HEAR A BELL RING?

Y'GOT A BLOCK
TAKE MY ADVICE
YOU'D BETTER WISE UP JANET WEISS

THE TRANSDUCER
WILL SEDUCE YAH
IT'S SOMETHING YOU'LL GET USED TO
A MENTAL MIND-FUCK CAN BE NICE

YOU'D BETTER WISE UP - JANET WEISS
YOU'D BETTER WISE UP
BUILD YOUR THIGHS UP
YOU'D BETTER WISE UP

        NARRATOR.
AND THEN SHE CRIES OUT

        JANET.
STOP!

        FRANK.
DON'T GET HOT AND FLUSTERED
USE A BIT OF MUSTARD

(FRANK signals MAGENTA who pulls switch and releases them as RIFF RAFF sprays them. COLUMBIA takes them offstage.)

        ALL.
YOU'RE A HOT DOG
BUT YOU'D BETTER NOT TRY TO HURT HER
FRANK FURTER

(BRAD is taken off by COLUMBIA.)

YOU'RE A HOT DOG
BUT YOU'D BETTER NOT TRY TO HURT HER
FRANK FURTER

(SCOTTY is taken off.)

YOU'RE A HOT DOG
BUT YOU'D BETTER NOT TRY TO HURT HER
FRANK FURTER

(JANET and ROCKY are taken off.)

YOU'RE A HOT DOG
BUT YOU'D BETTER NOT TRY TO HURT HER
FRANK FURTER

        MAGENTA. (On her own.)
YOU'RE A HOT DOG
BUT YOU'D BETTER NOT TRY TO HURT HER
FRANK FURTER

        FRANK.
MAGENTA, RELAX

        MAGENTA.
YOU'RE A HOT DOG
BUT YOU'D BETTER NOT TRY TO HURT HER
FRANK FURTER

(RIFF RAFF sprays her. She stops dramatically.)

        FRANK. Columbia - the artistes are in a molecular state somewhere between entrance and exit. When they've pulled themselves together - see that they are prepared for the floorshow.

(COLUMBIA flips.)

        COLUMBIA. My God! I can't take any more of this. First you ditch me for Eddie and then you throw him off like an old overcoat for Rocky. You chew people up and then you spit them out again. I loved you, do you hear? I loved you, and what did I get? I'll tell you, a big fat nothing. You're like a sponge, you take, take, take and drain others of their affection. Well, I've had it, I'm out of here, and I mean. (RIFF RAFF sprays her.) Oh wow - I dig that - it's wicked, it's a gas - I'm groovy I'm hip, man - it's like a trip - ah, wow, my God - freak out baby - dig you later.

(She exits.)

        FRANK. It's not easy having a good time - even smiling makes my face ache - and my children turn on me - Rocky's behaving just as Eddie did - maybe I made a mistake in splitting his brain between the two of them.
        MAGENTA. When do we return to Transylvania? - I grow weary of this world.
        FRANK. Magenta I am indeed grateful to both you and your brother Riff Raff - you have both served me well - loyalty such as yours must be rewarded, and you will discover that when the mood takes me, I can be quite generous.
        MAGENTA. I ask for nothing, Master.
        FRANK. And you shall receive it in abundance - come - our guests will be growing restless.

(FRANK exits.)
(MAGENTA and RIFF RAFF look at one another - they make an extraterrestrial sign.)
(Strobe light - Blackout.)
(Spotlight on.)

        NARRATOR. And so, by some extraordinary coincidence - fate it seems had decided that Brad and Janet should keep that appointment with their friend Dr. Evrett Scott. But, it was to be in a situation which none of them could have possibly foreseen - And, just a few hours after announcing their engagement Brad and Janet had both tasted forbidden fruit - This in itself was proof that their host was a man of little morals and some persuasion - What further indignities were they to be subjected to ...? And what of the sonic transducer and the floorshow that had been spoken of? - What indeed? - From what had gone before it was clear that this was to be no picnic.

Scene Ten

(Each enters singly through slash curtain - wearing black stockings and suspenders and black underwear and finally they become a chorus line.)

[Song: "FLOORSHOW / ROSE TINT MY WORLD"]

        COLUMBIA.
IT WAS GREAT
WHEN IT ALL BEGAN
I WAS A REGULAR FRANKY FAN
BUT IT WAS OVER WHEN HE HAD THE PLAN
TO START WORKING ON A MUSCLE-MAN
NOW THE ONLY THING THAT GIVES ME HOPE
IS MY LOVE OF A CERTAIN DOPE
ROSE TINTS MY WORLD KEEPS ME
SAFE FROM MY TROUBLE AND PAIN

        ROCKY.
I'M JUST SEVEN HOURS OLD
TRULY BEAUTIFUL TO BEHOLD
AND SOMEBODY SHOULD BE TOLD
MY LIBIDO HASN'T BEEN CONTROLLED
NOW THE ONLY THING I'VE COME TO TRUST
IS AN ORGASMIC RUSH OF LUST
ROSE TINTS MY WORLD KEEPS ME
SAFE FROM MY TROUBLE AND PAIN

        BRAD.
IT'S BEYOND ME
HELP ME MOMMY
I'LL BE GOOD YOU'LL SEE
TAKE THIS DREAM AWAY
WHAT'S THIS, LET'S SEE
I FEEL SEXY
WHAT'S COME OVER ME
HERE IT COMES AGAIN

        JANET.
I FEEL RELEASED
BAD TIMES DECEASED
MY CONFIDENCE HAS INCREASED
REALITY IS HERE
THE GAME HAS BEEN DISBANDED
MY MIND HAS BEEN EXPANDED
IT'S A GAS THAT FRANKY'S LANDED
HIS LUST IS SO SINCERE

(Band plays fanfare.)
(PHANTOMS enter in similar costumes.)
(FRANK makes spectacular entrance.)

        FRANK.
WHATEVER HAPPENED TO FAY WRAY
THAT DELICATE SATIN DRAPED FRAME
AS IT CLUNG TO HER THIGH
HOW I STARTED TO CRY
FOR I WANTED TO BE DRESSED JUST THE SAME

GIVE YOURSELF OVER TO ABSOLUTE PLEASURE
SWIM THE WARM WATERS OF SINS OF THE FLESH
EROTIC NIGHTMARES BEYOND ANY MEASURE
AND SENSUAL DAYDREAMS TO TREASURE FOREVER -
CAN'T YOU JUST SEE IT
WHOA WHOA WHOA
(Spoken) Don't dream it - be it.

        ALL. (Sung)
DON'T DREAM IT - BE IT

(They all come together touching and fondling one another, FRANK in the centre.)

DON'T DREAM IT - BE IT

DON'T DREAM IT - BE IT

DON'T DREAM IT - BE IT

DON'T DREAM IT - BE IT

DON'T DREAM IT - BE IT

DON'T DREAM IT - BE IT

(SCOTTY enters speaks following over last 2 chorus' above.)

        SCOTTY.
Hmm ... We've got to get out of this trap
Before this decadence saps our wills
I've got to be strong and try to hang on
Or my mind may well snap
And my life will be lived

(SCOTTY reveals stockings and high heels.)
(Sings)

FOR THE THRILLS

        BRAD.
IT'S BEYOND ME
HELP ME MOMMY

        JANET.
GOD BLESS LILI ST. CYR

        FRANK.
MY MY MY MY MY MY MY
MY MY MY MY MY MY MY

(They all form chorus line.)

I'M A WILD AND UNTAMED THING
I'M A BEE WITH A DEADLY STING
GET A HIT AND YOUR MIND GOES PING
YOUR HEART'LL THUMP
AND YOUR BLOOD WILL SING
SO LET THE PARTY AND THE SOUNDS ROCK ON
GONNA SHAKE IT TILL THE LIFE HAS GONE
ROSE TINT MY WORLD
KEEP ME SAFE FROM MY TROUBLE AND PAIN

        ALL.
WE'RE A WILD AND UNTAMED THING
WE ARE BEES WITH A DEADLY STING
GET A HIT AND YOUR MIND GOES PING
YOUR HEART'LL THUMP
AND YOUR BLOOD WILL SING
SO LET THE PARTY AND THE SOUNDS ROCK ON
GONNA SHAKE IT TILL THE LIFE HAS GONE
ROSE TINT MY WORLD
KEEP ME SAFE FROM MY TROUBLE AND PAIN

WE'RE A WILD AND UNTAMED THING
WE ARE BEES WITH A DEADLY STING
GET A HIT AND YOUR MIND GOES PING
YOUR HEART'LL THUMP
AND YOUR BLOOD WILL SING
SO LET THE PARTY AND THE SOUNDS ROCK ON
GONNA SHAKE IT TILL THE LIFE HAS GONE
ROSE TINT MY WORLD
KEEP ME SAFE FROM MY TROUBLE AND PAIN

(RIFF RAFF and MAGENTA enter dressed in extraterrestrial national costume.)

        RIFF RAFF.
FRANK N FURTER
IT'S ALL OVER
YOUR MISSION IS A FAILURE
YOUR LIFE STYLE'S TOO EXTREME
I'M YOUR NEW COMMANDER
YOU NOW ARE MY PRISONER
WE RETURN TO TRANSYLVANIA
PREPARE THE TRANSIT BEAM

(Song ends.)
(All freeze.)

        FRANK. Wait - I can explain.

[Song: "I'M GOING HOME"]

(FRANK arranges stage for next number.)

        FRANK.
ON THE DAY I WENT AWAY

        ALL.
GOODBYE

        FRANK.
WAS ALL I HAD TO SAY

        ALL.
NOW I

        FRANK.
WANT TO COME AGAIN AND STAY

        ALL.
OH MY MY

        FRANK.
SMILE AND THAT WILL MEAN I MAY

I'VE SEEN BLUE SKIES
THROUGH THE TEARS IN MY EYES
AND I REALIZE I'M GOING HOME

        ALL.
I'M GOING HOME.

        FRANK.
EVERYWHERE IT'S BEEN THE SAME

        ALL.
FEELING

        FRANK.
LIKE I'M OUTSIDE IN THE RAIN

        ALL.
WHEELING

        FRANK.
FREE TO TRY AND FIND A GAME

        ALL.
DEALING

        FRANK.
CARDS FOR SORROW CARDS FOR PAIN
I'VE SEEN THE BLUE SKIES
THROUGH THE TEARS IN MY EYES
AND I REALIZE - I'M GOING HOME

        ALL.
I'M GOING HOME
I'M GOING HOME

(Song ends.)

Scene Eleven

        MAGENTA. How sentimental.
        RIFF RAFF. And also presumptuous of you - you see when I said 'we' were to return I referred only to Magenta and myself - I'm sorry however if you found my words misleading - you see you are to remain here - in spirit anyway -

(He produces a ray gun.)

        SCOTTY. Great heavens - that's a laser.
        RIFF RAFF. Yes, Dr. Scott, a laser capable of emitting a beam of pure anti-matter.
        BRAD. You mean you're going to kill him? - What's his crime?
        FRANK. Oh Brad.
        SCOTTY. You saw what had become of Eddie - Society must be protected.
        RIFF RAFF. Exactly, Dr. Scott - Now Frank-n-Furter, your time has come - say goodbye to all this - and hello to oblivion.
        FRANK. Do your worst - inferior one.
        COLUMBIA. No! No!

(COLUMBIA runs to shield FRANK, she is hit.)

        FRANK. Did you do this for me? (COLUMBIA nods.) Silly bitch.

(COLUMBIA dies.)
(FRANK is killed - he dies slowly.)
(ROCKY is killed - RIFF has to hit him numerous times as ROCKY attempts to avenge FRANK'S death.)

        BRAD. Good God.
        RIFF RAFF. Yes.
        JANET. You've killed them.
        MAGENTA. I thought you liked them - they liked you.
        RIFF RAFF. (Screams) They didn't like me - They never liked me. You saw the way things were - the way they were going.
        SCOTTY. You did right. (RIFF RAFF points gun at SCOTTY.) Oh shit.
        RIFF RAFF. A decision has to be made.
        SCOTTY. You're O.K. by me.
        RIFF RAFF. Dr. Scott I'm sorry about your nephew.
        SCOTTY. Yes - Perhaps it's for the best.
        RIFF RAFF. You should leave now, Dr. Scott, while it is still possible. We are about to beam the entire house back to the planet of transsexual
        MAGENTA. In the galaxy of Transylvania.
        RIFF RAFF. Go now.

(BRAD, JANET and DR. SCOTT exit.)

        SCOTTY. (As they leave.) Janet, schnell ... Brad.
        RIFF RAFF. Our noble mission is almost completed my most beautiful sister, and soon we shall return to the Moon drenched shores of our beloved planet.
        MAGENTA. Ah ... Sweet Transsexual, Land of Night, to sing and dance once more to your dark refrain, to take that step ... to the RIGHT.

(They do so.)

        RIFF RAFF. But it's the pelvic thrust.
        PHANTOMS. That really drives you insane.

(They prepare to leave.)

        MAGENTA. And our world will do the Time Warp again.
        RIFF RAFF. Activate the transit crystal.

(Explosion. Blackout.)
(Lights up on remains of house.)
(BRAD found in spotlight.)

[Song: "SUPER HEROES"]

        BRAD.
I'VE DONE A LOT
GOD KNOWS I'VE TRIED
TO FIND THE TRUTH
I'VE EVEN LIED
BUT ALL I KNOW
IS DOWN INSIDE

        PHANTOMS.
I'M BLEEDING

(JANET enters.)

        JANET.
AND SUPER HEROES
COME TO FEAST
TO TASTE THE FLESH
NOT YET DECEASED
AND ALL I KNOW
IS STILL THE BEAST

        PHANTOMS.
IS FEEDING

AHHH AHHH

(Four times — Chant.)
(BRAD and JANET left in shadowy spotlight.)

        NARRATOR.
AND CRAWLING ON THE PLANET'S FACE
SOME INSECTS CALLED THE HUMAN RACE
LOST IN TIME
AND LOST IN SPACE

        PHANTOMS.
AND MEANING

(Song ends.)
(Blackout)

EPILOGUE


[Reprise: "SCIENCE FICTION DOUBLE FEATURE"]

        USHERETTE.
SCIENCE FICTION - DOUBLE FEATURE
FRANK HAS BUILT AND LOST HIS CREATURE
DARKNESS HAS CONQUERED BRAD AND JANET
THE SERVANTS GONE TO A DISTANT PLANET
OH - AT THE LATE NIGHT DOUBLE FEATURE
PICTURE SHOW - I WANT TO GO - OHH -
TO THE LATE NIGHT DOUBLE FEATURE PICTURE SHOW

(MR. BASSMAN's voice.)

DO LANG DOO LANG


THE END


(Blackout)