"SHOCK TREATMENT"
Screenplay
by
Richard O'Brien and Jim Sharman
Book and Lyrics
by
Richard O'Brien
Music
by
Richard Hartley and Richard O'Brien
Copyright 1980 (c) All Rights Reserved
Michael White Ltd. 13 Duke Street
St. James, London SW1Y 6DB. U.K.
SHOOTING SCRIPT
October, 1980
THE ROCKY HORROR PICTURE SHOW featured an ordinary
couple, Brad and Janet, innocent victims of a flat
tyre and a wet night, caught in a bizarre Horror
Movie nightmare.
SHOCK TREATMENT features Brad and Janet, innocent
members of a live TV audience, drawn into a new
and equally bizarre nightmare of Soap Operas,
Game Shows and Media Manipulation. The madness
accelerates until they don't know where Television
ends and reality begins.
CAST
FARLEY FLAVORS A Sponsor
BRAD MAJORS A Hero
JANET MAJORS A Heroine
COSMO McKINLEY A Doctor
NATION McKINLEY A Doctor
JUDGE OLIVER WRIGHT A Local Expert
BETTY HAPSCHATT A "Denton Dossier" Host
RALPH HAPSCHATT A "Faith Factory" Host
BERT SCHNICK A "Marriage Maze" Host
NEELY PRITT A Documentary Person
MACY STRUTHERS An Ambitious Person
VANCE PARKER A Security Officer
HARRY WEISS A Father
EMILY WEISS A Mother
RICKY A Nurse
ANSALONG A Nurse
OSCAR DRILL A Singer
BRENDA DRILL A Teenager
GLISH DAVISON A Musician
DRUMMER A Musician
KIRK IDLE A Caterer
IRWIN LAPPSY A Car Salesman
MRS. DRILL Another Mother
FLOOR MANAGER
WARDROBE
MAKE-UP
THREE SOLDIERS
THREE PATRIOTIC WIVES
THREE REDNECKS
SCHOOL KIDS IN COMMERCIAL
MUSICIANS (5)
NEELY'S CREW (1)
D.T.V. CREW (3)
AND
THE AUDIENCE
"SHOCK TREATMENT"
FADE IN
THE ENTIRE FILM IS LOCATED IN A TELEVISION STUDIO.
SHOT OF MOON 1
Clouds passing.
VOICE OVER
Once upon a time. In a town
not far from yours...
CLOSEUP - FARLEY'S FACE 2
wreathed in cigar smoke.
VOICE OVER
...there lived a real fast guy...
OVERTURE 3
DIGITAL TITLES PROCEED ACROSS BOTTOM OF FRAME. CAMERA PULLS
BACK ON interior control room. FARLEY sitting in executive
chair in front of a wall of monitors. IMAGES OF TITLES
reading "D.T.V.," "MARRIAGE MAZE," "DENTONVALE,"
"HAPPY HOMES," "DENTON DOSSIER," "FAITH FACTORY" INERSPERSED
ON MONITORS WITH SHOT OF studio activity. Farley is sitting
at a table flanked by VANCE PARKER standing at attention.
To his right are seated MAC and NATION. To his left RALPH
and MACY. Directly opposite him, back to CAMERA, is
BERT SCHNICK.
VOICE OVER
His life was fast. His friends
were fast. Even his food was
fast...
Parker moves to stairwell exit.
VOICE OVER
But he was still not satisfied...
PULL BACK TO REVEAL control room facade. A billboard with
"DENTON. HOME OF HAPPINESS" in neon illuminates a
heart-shaped logo which closes on interior scene. The control
room and facade are suspended over a studio-audience seating
block. Parker appears on staircase and proceeds down aisle
to consult with FLOOR MANAGER and crew. Floor Manager moves
across to dressing rooms adjacent to seating. He knocks on
doors then proceeds down spiral staircase.
VOICE OVER
He wanted to share his fast
philosophy with someone else...
Floor Manager crosses behind the studio setup for opening
song with giant Hollywood-epic letters spelling "D-E-N-T-O-N."
VOICE OVER
...a beautiful girl.
Floor Manager proceeds to Parker now positioned by studio door
VOICE OVER
Trouble was...she was in the
arms of someone else...
ANGLE ON STUDIO DOORS 4
They slide back to reveal awaiting AUDIENCE under a nightscape
of moon and clouds. DIGITAL TITLES CONTINUE ACROSS BOTTOM
OF FRAME as Audience proceed towards seating block passing
CAMERA in twos and threes, staring INTO LENS like passersby
viewing themselves in shop-window video displays. As overture
continues we PICK UP ON various elements of studio preparation
-- wardrobe racks being wheeled, cameras setting up shots,
artists readying themselves, lighting adjustments etc. As
overture concludes Audience have settled and CAMERA HAS
LIGHTED ON title card reading "D.T.V. - COMMUNITY
ANNOUNCEMENT."
DENTON U.S.A. 5
HIGH ANGLE OF "D-E-N-T-O-N" letters against cyc. CRANE DOWN
TO CLOSEUP of NEELY PRITT in f.g.
NEELY
YOU'LL FIND HAPPY HEARTS
AND SMILING FACES
AND TOLERANCE FOR
THE ETHNIC RACES
IN DENTON
SHOT OF "D-E" letters. CUT. MOM appears in "D" at sewing
machine. DAD appears clipping hedge in "E."
DAD
YOU'LL FIND A RAMBLING ROSE
AND A PICKET FENCE
MOM
TENDERNESS AND INNOCENCE
IN DENTON`
SHOT OF "N" and "T" with Officer Parker in "N."
PARKER
YOU'LL FIND CONFERENCE ROOMS
AND A CHILDREN'S PLAYGROUND
DENTON IS A REAL OKAY TOWN
CIVIC PRIDE AND CIVIC DUTY
AND DENTON GIRLS ARE
Letter "T" produces TWO CHEERLEADERS. Parker whistles.
PARKER
FULL OF BEAUTY.
CHEERLEADERS
YOU MAY CALL US THE GOODY GOODY
TWO SHOES
BUT WE'RE HERE TO CHEER YOU WITH
THE GOOD NEWS
THAT D-E-N-T-O-N
GETS T-E-N
THAT'S TEN OUT OF TEN
SHOT OF letters "O" and "N" containing Ralph and Macy. Ralph
is phoning from "O" while Macy relaxes on "N."
RALPH AND MACY
IF YOU'RE LOOKING FOR A LIFE OF LEISURE
YOU'RE GONNA GET A WHOLE LOT OF PLEASURE
AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN
AND AGAIN
ANGLE ON AUDIENCE 6
They are staring at monitors suspended above and SINGING
in unison.
AUDIENCE
DENTON DENTON...YOU'VE GOT NO PRETENTION
YOU'RE WHERE THE HEART IS...YOU'RE OKAY
DENTON DENTON...I'D JUST LIKE TO MENTION
YOU'RE THE HOME OF YOUTH
YOU'RE AMERICA'S TRUTH
CAMERA CRANES TO billboard facade.
AUDIENCE
YOU'RE DENTON DENTON U.S.A.
ANGLE ON AUDIENCE 7
interspersed with:
QUICK SHOTS ON PERCUSSIVE BEAT 8
A. DAD
clipping and smiling.
B. MOM
sewing and smiling.
C. CHEERLEADERS
smiling.
D. RALPH
phoning and smiling.
E. MACY
relaxing and smiling.
AUDIENCE
DENTON DENTON...YOU'VE GOT NO PRETENTION
YOU'RE WHERE THE HEART IS...YOU'RE OKAY
DENTON DENTON...I'D JUST LIKE TO MENTION
YOU'RE THE HOME OF YOUTH
YOU'RE AMERICA'S TRUTH
YOU'RE DENTON DENTON U.S.A.
On repeat chorus Audience rises from their seats in patriotic
fervour. SHOTS OF individual groups accelerate in CUTTING TO
conclude on repetition of CRANE ON "Denton" billboard.
AUDIENCE
DENTON! DENTON! YOU'VE GOT NO PRETENTION
YOU'RE WHERE THE HEART IS! YOU'RE OKAY!
DENTON! DENTON! I'D JUST LIKE TO MENTION
YOU'RE THE ACCEPTABLE FACE OF THE HUMAN RACE
YOU'RE DENTON! DENTON!...
DENTON! U!S!A!
ANGLE ON "DENTON DOSSIER" SET 9
The words "DENTON DOSSIER" appear. CRANE DOWN set TO REVEAL
the compere BETTY HAPSCHATT. During the following dialogue
PULL BACK TO REVEAL Betty seated behind "Denton Dossier" desk
with her guest -- JUDGE OLVER WRIGHT. Both have prominent
nameplates on the desk.
BETTY
Well how about that? Wasn't that
terrific? A community anthem
brought to you by our new sponsor
Farley Flavors whose new program
'Faith Factory' premieres on this
channel tomorrow night. I, for
one, can't wait! Now let's turn
to our regular in-depth discussion
with Judge Oliver Wright, Denton's
leading social scientist.
BETTY (Cont.)
(addresses him)
Did you enjoy our anthem
Judge Wright?
OLIVER
In a way...
BETTY
I detect a note of reticence.
Are you, perhaps, one of those
amongst us who feel this
emotive form of presentation
is overly manipulative?
OLIVER
Well, Betty, there are many
ways that the spider may catch
the fly...
ANGLE ON AUDIENCE 10
Neely Pritt is documenting their response. She breaks off
to talk to two old friends -- BRAD and JANET MAJORS. Rest
of the Audience stare blankly at monitors.
OLIVER
(voice over)
Monetary inducements.
NEELY
Hi Brad! Hi Janet! Come for
the Marriage Maze?
OLIVER
(voice over)
Seduction.
Brad and Janet nod.
NEELY
I'm exhausted working on this
documentary about Farley's new
show.
Janet looks puzzled. Neely explains:
NEELY
Farley Flavors! Our new
sponsor.
(makes "hot"
gesture)
Wheeew!
OLIVER
(voice over)
Prejudice.
NEELY
(confiding)
I tell you, Janet, that guy's
as close as we'll come to a
successful man in this town.
Brad looks uncomfortable.
OLIVER
(voice over)
Lies!
Janet smiles enigmatically.
COMMERCIAL FOR FARLEY FLAVORS FABULOUS FAST FOOD 11
Red, white and blue logo for Farley Flavors surrounding
blackboard, KIDS and Teacher (played by Macy).
TEACHER
Let's hear the five 'F's' for
today. F for...
KIDS
Farley!
TEACHER
F for...
KIDS
Flavors!
TEACHER
F for...
KIDS
Fabulous!
TEACHER
F for...
KIDS
Fast!
TEACHER
F for...
KIDS
Foods!
Cheers, hysteria etc. Kids run to blackboard as CAMERA TILTS
DOWN ON logo.
VOICE OVER
First and foremost Farley Flavors
Fabulous Fast Foods feed and
fortify families for a fabulous
future!
Logo spins (OPTICAL).
ANGLE ON "MARRIAGE MAZE" SET 12
Oliver and Betty crossing studio from "Denton Dossier" set.
In the b.g. preparations are underway for the "Marriage Maze."
Activity and Floor Manager banter. ("Hurry it up. Bert's
entrance will be on camera two, etc.")
BETTY
Thank you so much, Judge Wright,
for another wonderful interview.
OLIVER
Judge Wright? Now, Betty?
First name terms, surely!
BETTY
(charmed)
Oh, Oliver, you're so tolerant.
Time for a coffee before you
rush off?
OLIVER
Delighted, Betty -- That is if
you don't mind being seen with
an older man.
BETTY
Why, Oliver, since Ralph and I
separated maturity is something
I look for in a man.
Neely appears.
NEELY
(enthused)
Hi, Betty!
BETTY
(less enthused)
Hello, Neely.
NEELY
You keep up that high standard
of interview and I'll have to
include you in Farley's
documentary. You were so...
probing!
Neely passes on -- Betty grits her teeth --
OLIVER
A free thinker.
BETTY
Everything's free there.
FLOOR MANAGER
Stand by -- Quiet please --
Cue intro -- Cue Bert -- three
seconds --
We heard a drum roll.
VOICE OVER
And here, to bring you your just
desserts and a recipe for a
perfect marriage, is that
gorgeous gourmet, tossing the
uproarious salad of life,
counselor Bert Schnick!
Applause. Fanfare. Bert appears with sunglasses and a cane.
He's blind. The "Marriage Maze" has three entrances,
"Happy Home," "Home Base," "Rest Home." In front is a
contestant podium with central placement for Bert and, either
side, seats marked "Him" and "Her."
BERT
Sank you -- Velcome -- Sank
you! Before ve shstart I vant
to say vun or two vurds aboud
tomorrow night's big new show
'Faith Factory' -- unt -- oh
yah -- we hef ze host unt hiss
lofley co-host right here in ze
audience -- giff a bick hend
-- to Ralph Hepshett unt ze
vivacious Mazy Struthers --
Let's get a camera over zere --
We SEE Ralph and Macy in the Audience. They half-stand and
wave self-consciously. (Here we discontinue phonetics in Bert's
accent.)
BERT
Loved the commercial, Macy!
MACY
Thanks, Bert!
BERT
You got a good show for us
tomorrow, Ralph?
RALPH
You bet, Bert.
BERT
Good! I'm gonna be there.
Betty shoots a jealous look at her ex-husband Ralph.
BETTY
Macy Struthers -- God I must
have been blind -- still, the
weaker the man, the dumber the
blonde.
OLIVER
Isn't that Brad and Janet Majors
sitting down front? What an
ideal couple.
We SEE Brad and Janet sitting together.
OLIVER
(voice over)
More than anyone else in Denton
they represent the old values.
CUT BACK TO Oliver and Betty.
OLIVER
(not without irony)
Eisenhower would have been
proud of them.
CUT TO Bert who seems to be receiving instructions from a
small earplug.
BERT
So would the first couple who
seem to have made a hash of
their marriage and cooked their
goose step this way please.
He points to a surprised Brad and Janet.
JANET
That's us.
BRAD
I don't want to get up there.
JANET
We've got to, Brad, everyone's
watching.
BERT
What's cooking down there?
Come up here and let's feel you!
Indulgent laughter at "blind" joke.
CUT TO Oliver and Betty who register astonishment.
CUT TO Brad and Janet taking their "Him" and "Her" places.
BERT
That's it -- Look at the camera --
INT. CONTROL ROOM 13
Farley's chair swivelled to face monitors. A WALL of Brad
and Janet IMAGES.
BERT
(voice over)
Introduce yourselves.
JANET
(voice over)
I'm Janet Majors and this is
my husband Brad.
Farley SWIVELS INTO CLOSEUP.
"MARRIAGE MAZE" 14
BERT
We've been hearing some bad
things about you, Brad.
JANET
He needs help.
CUT TO a concerned Oliver and Betty.
BERT
(voice over)
Face it, Janet! Brad's an
emotional cripple.
Audience roar with laughter.
JANET
I know, I know, it's just...
BERT
Looks like 'Rest Home' for this
marriage.
SHOT OF "REST HOME" lights flickering. Applause.
BERT
Do you watch 'Dentonvale,'
Janet?
JANET
I've caught it once or twice.
BERT
Of course! D.T.V.'s most popular
Hospital series featuring those
perennial favorites, Cosmo and
Nation McKinley.
Neuro-specialists par excellence
...if you'll pardon my French.
I recommend you send Brad to
them for treatment!
Oliver and Betty can't believe it.
JANET
I know he's boring but...
Neuro-specialists! That sounds
pretty drastic.
BERT
It's no use pussyfooting around,
Janet -- we have to cut quick
and deep.
OLIVER
(as if he has
heard the name
before)
McKinley?...McKinley?
BETTY
Bert brought them over from
Europe. They had a very
popular series together. It's
still rerun in a lot of
countries. You must have seen
them in 'Dentonvale?'
OLIVER
Never watch it.
BERT
There's no use delaying another
moment.
Floor Manager holds a card, reading "DENTONVALE," up to cue
Audience.
BERT
I'm afraid there's only one
solution. Tell them, Folks.
One, two, three...
AUDIENCE
(shout)
DENTONVALE!!!
BERT
(to camera)
Don't go away. We'll be right
back to see if Brad and Janet
want to play or pass...
Shocked look from Betty. Oliver glances suspiciously towards
control room.
BILLBOARD 15
SHADOW of Farley on heart.
INT. "MARRIAGE MAZE" SET 16
Commercial break. Technicians make adjustments. Bert pats
Janet's shoulder.
BERT
Congratulations! I think your're
making a wise decision.
Bert moves o.s.
JANET
But...
He's gone.
BRAD
I'm not going, Janet.
JANET
(trapped)
What are you trying to do? Make
Bert look like a fool? He's made all
the arrangements.
BRAD
But I don't need treadment.
Brad knocks over Bert's water jug.
BERT
(o.s.)
You need glasses, Brad!
Laughter.
JANET
(furious)
I'm sick of being humiliated
by you! Bert's right! You're
going!
Floor Manager wheels in monitor running commercial.
"BITCHIN' IN THE KITCHEN" 17
The commercial FEATURES product SHOTS.
A. HAND
presses button on blender. It blends.
B. HAND
takes toast from pop-up toaster.
C. HAND
opens refrigerator groaning with food.
D. HAND
takes knife from drawer and sharpens blade.
E. FOOT
pedals trash can.
F. PERCOLATOR
bubbles.
G. DIGITAL CLOCK RADIO
computes.
H. HAND
opens shower curtain on steam.
I. HAND
squeezes toothpaste.
J. HAND
runs silk scarf down leg.
ANGLE ON CONTESTANTS' AREA 18
Brad and Janet stare at monitor with glazed expressions.
This INTERCUTS WITH monitor SHOTS.
BRAD
DEAR BLENDER? OH WON'T YOU HELP
A FIRST OFFENDER
OH TOASTER? DON'T YOU PUT THE
BURN ON ME...
RE-FRIGE-ERATOR WHY ARE WE
ALWAYS SOONER OR LATER
BITCHIN' IN THE KITCHEN OR CRYING
IN THE BEDROOM ALL NIGHT.
DEAR KNIFE DRAWER, WON'T YOU
HELP ME TO FACE LIFE MORE...
OH TRASH CAN, DON'T YOU PUT THE
DIRT ON ME
OH PERC-O-LATOR WHY ARE WE ALWAYS
SOONER OR LATER...
BITCHIN' IN THE KITCHEN OR CRYING
IN THE BEDROOM AL NIGHT.
D.T.V. CAMERA WIPES FRAME as we PAN TO Janet.
JANET
EVERYTHING USED TO BE OKAY
BUT I'VE BEEN HAD
AND BRAD I'M GLAD TO SAY
IS ON HIS WAY.
MICRO-DIGITAL AWAKER
WHY ARE WE ALWAYS SOONER OR
LATER
BITCHIN' IN THE KITCHEN OR
CRYING IN THE BEDROOM ALL NIGHT.
SHOWER CURTAIN
WON'T YOU HELP ME TO BE CERTAIN
OH TOOTHPASTE
DON'T YOU PUT THE SQUEEZE ON ME
DE-PIL-A-TATOR
WHY ARE WE ALWAYS SOONER OR
LATER
BITCHIN' IN THE KITCHEN OR
CRYING IN TH BEDROOM ALL NIGHT.
ANGLE ON "MARRIAGE MAZE" ENTRANCE 19
Bert stands by "REST HOME." A Male Nurse (RICKY) appears
with wheelchair.
BERT
Hey, Folks! It's Ricky from
the Rest Home.
Applause.
BERT
What do you say, Ricky?
Ricky wheels to Brad and Janet.
RICKY
(brightly)
I've come for Mr. Majors,
Ma'am.
Janet helps Brad to chair.
RICKY
Nothing serious I hope?
JANET
No. Just a routine checkup.
BERT
(to Audience)
Just a routine checkup,
Folks!
Laughter from Audience.
Janet turns to CAMERA.
JANET
TELL ME, SPECTATOR
WHY ARE WE ALWAYS SOONER
OR LATER
BITCHIN' IN THE KITCHEN OR
CRYING IN THE BEDROOM ALL NIGHT.
Wheelchair DISAPPEARS down "REST HOME" Avenue. Audience
applaud. CAMERA CRANES UP TO SHADOW OF Farley behind
billboard heart. Bert is o.s. with headset.
BERT
The subject is committed. As
are we all.
TITLE - "DENTONVALE" 20
VOICE OVER
This week's special guests
are Brad and Janet Majors in
tonight's episode.
'The Arrival.'
INT. "DENTONVALE" OFFICE 21
White Room. Mac and Nation behind twin desk. Filing
cabinets encircle them. Double doors opposite them fly open
and Janet, Ricky and Brad enter. Cosmo (Mac) McKinley rises
to greet them.
MAC
Ah. Mr. And Mrs. Majors. How
wonderful to see you. I am
Dr. Cosmo McKinley and this is
my sister, and colleague,
Nation McKinley.
NATION
We understand you've been going
through a rather trying time.
JANET
Well yes, but...
Brad leaps out of wheelchair.
BRAD
Listen! There's nothing wrong
with me... It's just that Janet
and I haven't...
Ricky hypos him -- as he drops, he kicks the wheelchair under
him.
MAC
(to Janet)
Does he do that often?
Stunned, she doesn't know Ricky hit him with the hypo.
JANET
No! He's never done that before.
MAC
Good! Well there's still hope.
Lots of hope.
Ricky straightens Brad in wheelchair.
NATION
(softly)
If anyone can help Brad. We can.
Mac nods to Ricky who leaves.
JANET
Well, he needs help.
NURSE ANSALONG runs in -- colliding with the departing Ricky.
MAC
Ah. Nurse Ansalong - you're
here.
Ricky continues on his way.
ANSALONG
(adjusting uniform)
Well it was pretty short notice
but I...
NATION
ATTEND to Mr. Majors, Nurse.
Ansalong adjusts wheelchair and herself.
MAC
There are just one or two
formalities that have to be
dealt with, Mrs. Majors.
There are contracts to be signed...
But Ansalong has started to wheel Brad away -- Janet wants to
follow. Nation grabs the contract and glances at it.
JANET
Could I do that later?
NATION
Of course.
Janet follows Brad -- Mac grabs the contract back and chases
after them.
INT. CORRIDORS 22
Ansalong wheels Brad. Janet keeps up. Mac appears behind
them.
ANSALONG
(sotto voce)
Sign the contract tomorrow...
Mac catches up.
MAC
(with papers)
Just one or two details. Does
he have any living relatives?
Blood relatives?
JANET
No...couldn't I do this later?
Nation catches up with them.
NATION
Of course.
Nation restrains Mac. Ansalong continues with Brad in
wheelchair and Janet trying to keep up.
JANET
(to Ansalong)
Why did you tell me not to sign
now?
The wheelchair is pushed through double doors at the end of
the corridor. Janet follows. CAMERA TILTS UP TO neon above
door reading "TERMINAL WARD."
ANSALONG
(distant voice)
Well this way, you get the first
day free.
"MARRIAGE MAZE" 23
Janet's parents in "Him" and "Her" places. Bert in full swing.
MOM
About Brad's family?
BERT
As Janet's parents this should be
really easy. Your last clue...
Mental Instability. You have
thirty seconds.
Digital timer SUPERIMPOSED.
DAD
(puzzling)
Mental instability?
MOM
He was adopted you know.
DAD
I'd forgotten.
MOM
Well I hadn't. I was worried
about inherited craziness when
they married. I said to Janet
'What do we know of his parents?'
BERT
Which leads us to...?
Audience tense. Seconds click. Dad shakes head.
MOM
Infantile regression?
Bells ring. Wild applause.
BERT
You got it!
MOM
I got it! I got it!!!
BERT
Congratulations! It's 'Happy Homes'
for Harry and Emily Weiss of
Denton.
Janet's Mom dissolves into tears as they are led down
"Happy Homes" avenue.
INT. CONTROL ROOM 24
Farley watching IMAGES of Brad's ward on monitors.
INT. TERMINAL WARD - "IN MY OWN WAY" 25
Brad's wheelchair is parked in a circular cage. Janet circles
around it.
JANET
IF ONLY YOU KNEW
HOW TO WIN SOME PRIZES
IF ONLY YOU KNEW -- HOW TO PLAY
IF YOU COULD SLEEP NIGHTS
AND STOP YOUR CRYING
YOU MIGHT FIND OUT I STILL LOVE YOU
IN MY OWN WAY
INT. CORRIDORS 26
Janet leaves ward. Proceeds around corridors until she reaches
"HOME BASE."
JANET
IF THAT'S NOT ENOUGH THEN I'M
SO SORRY I MET YOU
IT WAS ALMOST LIKE LEADING YOU ON
BUT THERE'S MORE TO IT ALL
THEN JUST WRINGING YOUR HEART OUT
OVER SOMEETHING THAT KEEPS ON GOING WRONG
SO DON'T TELL ME YOU LOVE ME
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS
Janet has arrived at "DEAD END."
JANET
NO DON'T SELL EMOTION
YOU CAN'T BUY DEVOTION
WHEN YOU'RE FALLING APART AT THE SEAMS
Janet turns around and continues her journey, returning along
"Home Base" and turning down "Happy Homes".
JANET
I HOPE THAT YOU'LL SMILE
WHEN YOU REACH YOUR CONCLUSION
I HOPE THAT YOU'LL KNOW JUST WHAT TO SAY
BUT IF IT SHOULD MEAN THAT THE PARTY IS OVER
YOU SHOULD KNOW THAT I STILL LVOE YOU
YOU SHOULD KNOW THAT I STLL LOVE YOU
IN MY OWN WAY
Janet has arrived at a door ending the corridor. Mom appears
through door holding (behind her back) a dress.
MOM
Oh my poor baby.
JANET
Oh. Mom. It's Brad.
MOM
I know.
They hug, Mom only using one arm.
MOM
I know baby. He's going to get
all the help he needs but in
the meantime -- Look!!! For you.
She pulls out the dress and savagely bites off a piece of
cotton after which she thrusts the dress towards Janet. Holding
it by the shoulders, she lets it drop and we SEE it's a replica
of the one she herself is wearing -- a red Chinese "Cheong Sam."
MOM
They call it a new look at an
old favourite I copied it from the
'Window on the World' show. The
Far East meets the Mid-West!
JANET
It's...
MOM
Just what the Doctor ordered. I
know. Come on in, my favourite
show's just started.
JANET
(confused)
What show?
Mom drags Janet inside.
MOM
'Dentonvale.'
Door shuts.
INT. "DENTONVALE" OFFICE 27
Cosmo (Mac) is filing. Nation behind desk is viewing a
television set placed on a hospital trolley. Bert is in the
guest chair. Nation is viewing Janet's Mom on "Marriage Maze."
MOM
(voice over)
Infantile regression.
BERT
(voice over)
You got it!
MOM
I got it! I got it!!!
Nation switches off television.
NATION
Our speciality.
MAC
I can't wait to begin on him.
Really, Bert, I don't know what
we'd do without you!
BERT
Well I confess the decision to
have Brad committed was not
strictly my own.
Nation looks secretive.
MAC
Of course, Mrs. Majors -- Janet --
But I'm puzzled. If she was so
keen on getting him in here, why
wouldn't she sign the contract?
BERT
No it wasn't Janet -- exactly --
It was, in fact, your new sponsor.
MAC
SPONSOR!!!
BERT
Dentonvale has been sold.
MAC
SOLD??!!
NATION
Dear old Bert's settled everything.
BERT
Jah -- you endorse his product --
He endorses your research.
MAC
HE!!?? How dare this person take
advantage of my weakness.
NATION
(with a secret
smile)
I don't think he intends to go
that far.
TITLE - "HAPPY HOMES" 28
TV IMAGE - BOILING JUG 29
ANGLE ON "HAPPY HOMES" SET 30
Dream kitchen. Dad practices golf with a "Putter." Janet look
depressed in her, now inappropriate, dress. Mom boils a jug.
SCENE BEGINS WITH TV IMAGE OF boiling jug. We PULL BACK as
Mom echoes action. She makes coffee. Throughout a VOICE OVER
from TV (Mac and Nation's voices) plays AGAINST the SCENE.
Mom appraises Janet in the dress.
JANET
Poor Brad.
MOM
Thank God he was born an orphan.
It would have killed his parents.
TV
(voice over)
'THANK GOODNESS'
MOM
And thank goodness he hasn't
ended up like the Slepstrini boy.
DAD
What are you talking about?
Danny Slepstrini is a chip off
the old block. I played 18 holes
of golf with his father just
last week. And Hank says Danny's
moved to New York.
(pause)
To better himself.
MOM
He moved all right! When they found
him with fifteen other naked men
at the back of Wilson's Bakery.
Dad's mouth starts opening and closing.
JANET
(quietly)
Mexicans.
Dad makes for the door.
DAD
I'm going to catch up on a few
jobs that need doing outside.
He leaves. Blushing scarlet.
MOM
(to Janet)
You shouldn't have said that.
JANET
Why?
MOM
Your father doesn't like Mexicans.
THANK GOD I'M A MAN 31
Dream garage and lawn. Garage door tilts up. Dad revs mower
and proceeds to mow down a strip of lawn lined by columns
trimmed in ivy.
DAD
A MAN SHOULD CALL THE TOSS...WEAR THE PANTS AND
BE THE BOSS
A MAN SHOULD BE THE DRAKE FOR HIS OWN DAMNED SAKE...
AND MEN SHOULD BE THE MISTERS AND MASTERS OF THEIR
SISTERS
AND MEN SHOULD BE THE REASON FOR A HEART TO BREAK
ANGLE ON AUDIENCE 32
A trio of REDNECKS leap and whoop.
ANGLE ON LAWN 33
Dad continues mowing.
DAD
A MAN SHOULD CUT THE LAWN...CHANGE A TYRE...
MEND THE WORN
A MAN SHOULD NEVER WAIT TO OIL A RUSTING GATE
MEN SHOULD HOLD THE KEY POSITIONS IN OUR COUNTRY'S
GREAT TRADITIONS
A MAN SHOULD PUT THE FOOD UPON THE FAMILY PLATE.
ANGLE ON AUDIENCE 34
A TRIO OF SOLDIERS.
SOLDIERS
SO BE MORAL
DON'T QUARREL
FAIR AND SQUARE IS BEST
A TRIO OF PARTRIOTIC WIVES.
WIVES
LET ME ALERT YOU
THAT VIRTUE
WON'T HURT YOU
OR DESERT YOU
REDNECKS
IF YOU WEAR HAIR ON YOUR CHEST.
AUDIENCE
SO ALWAYS REMEMBER TO FOLLOW THE RULES
SOLDIERS
BOX CLEVER
REDNECKS
AND JOCKS NEVER
ANGLE ON DREAM LAWN 35
DAD
Hock another jock's tools...
Dad gives mower another rev and starts mowing around columns
at an increasing pace.
DAD
A MAN SHOULD WAX A CAR...FIX A FUSE AND TEND A BAR
A MAN SHOULD LIKE HIS BROW TO BE WET WITH SWEAT...
MEN SHOULD KNOW THE RIGHT OCCASIONS TO INDULGE IN
TAX EVASIONS
A MAN SHOULD KNOW THE SETTINGS THAT HIS SPARKING
PLUGS GET...
(arrives back in
garage -- exhausted)
FAGGOTS ARE MAGGOTS
(mops brow)
THANK GOD I'M A MAN
Door tilts closed.
ANGLE ON WARDROBE AREA 36
Vance gets coffee from catering trolley run by Kirk Idle.
Crosses studio to maze entrance just as Janet is rushing from
"Happy Home" to "Rest Home."
PARKER
Hey! What are you trying to
do? Get yourself committed?
JANET
I'm sorry, Officer.
PARKER
(looks both ways)
Vance! Vance Parker.
JANET
Janet. Janet Majors. It's just
that Brad...my husband...is not...
very well and...
(tears)
I don't want to miss the next
episode of Dentonvale.
PARKER
Dentonvale...say, that's for...
(goes to tap head,
turns in into a
scratch)
I'm sorry to hear that, Janet.
(secretly pleased
but can't show it)
Look I'm going to let you through,
but keep it to yourself,
otherwise...
JANET
Thanks Officer Park...Vance.
PARKER
Don't worry, Janet. Brad'll
probably get just what he needs.
Janet proceeds. Vance returns to his coffee but is intercepted
by Ralph Hapschatt. Vance passes envelope to Ralph in a
furtive manner.
INT. "DENTON DOSSIER" OFFICE 37
Adjacent to their set Oliver and Betty work in an office
overlooking the studio floor. They are in deep discussion as
they drink their coffee.
BETTY
Conspiracy? That sounds a little
farfetched.
OLIVER
It's happened before. Remember
Lieutenant Orpheus? He
disappeared into that Underworld
series and never came back.
BETTY
Sounds like my husband. He never
came back either. At least not
after Flavors gave him a commercial
break.
OLIVER
Ah yes. Farley Flavors. You know,
I find it...
Ralph is seen approaching through glass door.
OLIVER
...remarkable that his 'Faith Factory'
is being financed by an entire
nation's indigestion.
Ralph knocks. Enters.
RALPH
Oh. Ah, I'm not calling at an
inconvenient moment am I?
BETTY
(icy)
Not at all. You have your life.
(look to Oliver)
And I have mine.
RALPH
Yeah, well. Here, Betty.
(hands envelope)
I just came to give you this.
Betty grabs envelope as Macy appears by Ralph's side.
RALPH
I better get going. Tomorrow's
the big one, and, well, Farley
expects!
OLIVER
(wry smile)
Of course.
Betty opens door.
RALPH
(backing out)
I'll leave you young things to it.
BETTY
(whisper)
Shove it, Ralph!
RALPH
(hisses back)
You too, Betty!
Door slams. Betty tears open envelope.
BETTY
Alimony is just another word
for rape!
She stops on discovering the contents. Their notice of
dismissal.
BETTY
Conspiracy is right. The
Denton Dossier is...
OLIVER
...closed?
Betty nods.
INT. CONTROL ROOM 38
Farley views monitors showing Brad's cage with Ansalong feeding
him through the bars.
INT. "DENTONVALE" - DINING ROOM 39
Mac and Nation dining with their guest Bert Schnick. Bert
bangs table.
BERT
What a meal! I insist on the
recipe.
Ansalong arrives to clear the table.
NATION
Coming from a gourmet that's
praise indeed. But. No
secrets!
Ricky enters with TV Trolley.
MAC
(sulking)
With Fast Food Farley at the
helm it'll be TV dinners
from now on.
BERT
Farley is already a TV winner
as we shall see. Dentonvile
will run forever now that his
interest has embraced mental
hygiene.
NATION
(to enthuse Mac)
Our field.
MAC
What does he know about it?
BERT
Who do you think gave you the
next episode?
Scotty presents script marked "The Brad and Janet Show."
BERT
So that Janet would be free
to front line his 'Faith Factory.'
Nation peruses script.
MAC
We're the experts.
BERT
Who trusts experts?
NATION
How did you come by this
scenario?
BERT
I am in Farley's employ --
and...
(pause)
...we're discussing a network
deal.
NATION
Why Janet?
BERT
Everyone loves the girl next
door, particularly Farley.
NATION
So it seems.
TITLE - "DENTONVALE" 40
VOICE OVER
Tonight's episode. 'Janet's Dilemma"
INT. "DENTONVALE" - DINING ROOM 41
Janet arrives.
MAC AND NATION
Janet!!
JANET
I've come to see Brad.
NATION
That's out of the question, he's
sleeping like a baby.
We hear a distant scream. Mac and Nation commence a quick
interrogation to unnerve Janet.
MAC
It's you we're concerned about,
Janet.
NATION
Yes how are you, Janet? Are you
happy?
JANET
I'm...happy.
MAC
There are countless people in
this world who believe they're
happy.
NATION
But they only think they're
happy.
JANET
(impatient)
That doesn't make sense.
Ricky has switched on television.
BERT
(indicating television)
This might, Janet.
TV 42
Video flickers to life with a glamorous "Movie Star" image of
FARLEY FLAVORS. Suave in tuxedo, a carnation glistens in his
lapel. He looks uncannily like a sophisticated fast-talking
version of Brad.
FARLEY
(voice over)
A BIG DENTON WELCOME TO MY NEW DELEGATION
THIS IS FARLEY -- I'M HERE WITH THE SCORE
WE'RE GONNA' PACKAGE AND SELL SOME MENTAL
HEALTH TO THE NATION
WITH MY DREAM OF THE GIRL NEXT DOOR.
INT. "DENTONVALE" - DINING ROOM 43
Janet looks interested.
TV 44
"Movie Star" image animates into song.
FARLEY
(sings)
OH WHY AREN'T THEY DOING TOMORROW'S NEW DANCE STEP
THEY WAY THEY USED TO YESTERDAY?
AN' WHO DRAWS THE PERFECT CIRCLE ANYMORE?
IF YOU'RE WAITING FOR GREATNESS TO SHAKE HANDS WITH
YOU
YOU'D BETTER DAYDREAM YOUR LIFE AWAY
I'VE ONLY WANTED ONE THING AND THAT'S FOR SURE.
INT. "DENTONVALE" - DINING ROOM 45
Ansalong, Ricky, Mac and Nation leap in front of the screen.
QUARTET
YOU'RE NOT JUST LOOKING AT A BIG BUCK KING
JUST ANOTHER WELL-KNOWN FACE
YOU'RE NOT LOOKING AT THE KING OF ANYTHING
FARLEY
I'M GONNA SHOOT FOR THE MOON
AND PLAY HIGH NOON
I'M GONNA TAKE ON THE ENTIRE HUMAN RACE
QUARTET
YOU'RE NOT LOOKING AT A KING.
FARLEY
YOU'RE LOOKING AT AN ACE.
TV 46
FARLEY
OOHH I GOT SIGHT AN' I'VE SEEN THE LIGHT
AN' I'M GONNA SEE THE COMING DAY
WHEN THE SUN IN THE SKY IS A SPOTLIGHT JUST FOR ME
I'M GONNA TAKE MY TIME AN' ROCK SOME RHYME
THAT'S GONNA TAKE YOUR BREATH AWAY
I'LL BE THE FRONT PAGE RAGE OF THE AGE JUST WAIT AN'
SEE
INT. "DENTONVALE" - DINING ROOM 47
During this we SEE Janet's enthusiastic reactions. The
Quartet repeat their back-up to Farley. Bert nods
approvingly.
FARLEY AND QUARTET
YOU'RE NOT JUST LOOKING AT A BIG BUCK KING
JUST ANOTHER WELL-KNOWN FACE
YOU'RE NOT LOOKING AT THE KING OF ANYTHING
FARLEY
I'M GONNA SHOOT FOR THE MOON
AND PLAY HIGH NOON
I'M GONNA TAKE ON THE ENTIRE HUMAN RACE
YOU'RE NOT LOOKING AT A KING
YOU'RE LOOKING AT AN ACE.
TV 48
Last line repeats as Farley seems to step OUT OF SCREEN and
take Janet in his arms ending in a clinch that vanishes with
the last chord.
INT. "DENTONVALE" - DINING ROOM 49
NATION
(to Janet)
I love home movies, don't you?
Janet is transfixed by the image of Farley.
TV 50
Final VOICE OVER OVER Farley's FROZEN IMAGE.
FARLEY
(voice over)
TIME IS TIGHT JANET
DO IT RIGHT JANET
UNTIL TOMORROW NIGHT, JANET.
INT. "DENTONVALE" - DINING ROOM 51
Ricky switches off TV
JANET
I won't be a party to this. I
want to see Brad.
NATION
The question is, does Brad want
to see you? Quite frankly, he
hates you.
JANET
(horrified)
What do you mean?
MAC
(softer approach)
Brad has deep feelings of
hostility towards you.
JANET
Me?
MAC
It's classical. Almost a textbook
case...
Janet cries.
MAC
That's an extremely negative
response.
NATION
Yes, Janet. Leave the crying
to Brad.
JANET
(through tears)
Is it because I'm becoming
too popular?
BERT
On the contrary. He wants to see
your ratings soar. He needs a
woman of exceptional desirability.
NATION
So you see, Janet, you can help us
to help him.
Janet's look reveals the persuasion is working.
INT. "DENTONVALE" - BRAD'S CELL 52
Brad sits bewildered in his cage.
INT. "DENTON DOSSIER" - OFFICE 53
Oliver assists Betty pack up.
BETTY
I bet that Macy Struthers had a
hand in this. We'll probably be
replaced by an hour of fashion tips!
OLIVER
Now Betty, don't overreact.
BETTY
Overreact! You're the one with
theories about conspirac...
(looks thoughtful, then pleased)
Oliver?
OLIVER
Yes, Betty.
BETTY
Are you spoken for this evening?
Oliver looks non-plussed.
INT. "DENTONVALE" - DINING ROOM 54
They have their campaign schedules with "F.F." Logos. They
each have "personal attainments" sheets as well. They try
to steal looks at each other's sheets while jealously
guarding their own. We GLIMPSE Mac's sheet and SEE
"The Look."
BERT
Right! An early start with Janet's
debut on 'Good Morning Denton.'
By the time we unveil Farley's
'Faith Factory' we will have earned
our beauty sleep.
JANET
Can I just 'peep in' on Brad
before I go home?
BERT
Home?
NATION
This is the nerve center of
operations, Janet. You must
stay here tonight.
(rings buzzer)
That way we can all be here when
Mr. Sun paints us a new day with
his golden brush.
MAC
And you can 'peep in' on Brad in
the morning.
Ansalong appears.
NATION
Are all the beds made up?
ANSALONG
Yep.
MAC
Then have Ricky lock up for the
night.
GANTRY OVERLOOKING "DENTONVALE" SET 55
Oliver and Betty survey Dentonvale below.
OLIVER
Clever of you to find this spot,
Betty.
BETTY
It pays to know your way around,
Oliver.
They survey the set below.
OLIVER
(quoting "Kubla Khan")
A 'stately pleasure home' indeed.
BETTY
Oh I adore Coleridge Taylor. As
a matter of fact...
Betty rummages in handbag and produces battered volume of
poems. She starts to quote
"The Rhyme of the Ancient Mariner."
BETTY
'IT IS AN ANCIENT MARINER
AND HE STOPPETH ONE OF THREE
BY THE LONG GREY BEARD AND GLITTEREING EYE
NOW WHEREFORE STOPP'ST THOU ME'
Oliver looks a little uneasy.
INT. "DENTONVALE" - DORMITORY 56
CAMERA TRACKS BACK AND FORTH ALONG lighted windows in black
wall. Each room has bed and venetian blinds. Characters
move between the two. The opening and closing of blinds
should sometimes give the impression of lines on a television
image.
SONG - LULLABY
NATION
I FEEL THE HEAT FROM YOUR SKIN
AND THE STUBBLE ON YOUR CHIN
YOU'RE NO GOOD
MAC
YOU'RE NO GOOD
They kiss.
NATION
YOU'VE GOT DIRT ON YOUR HANDS
AND EVERYBODY UNDERSTANDS
YOU'RE NO GOOD
MAC
YOU'RE NO GOOD
Mac gets into bed. Nation remains smoking.
NATION
WHAT A JOKE...
MAC
WHAT A JOKE...
NATION
YOU FEL LIKE CHOKING
YOU PLAY FOR BROKE...
MAC
YOU PLAY FOR BROKE...
NATION
HE LEAVES YOU SMOKING...
MAC
OH ROMANCE IS NOT A CHILDREN'S GAME...
NATION
YOU KEEP GOING BACK
IT'S DRIVING YOU INSANE
We TRACK ALONG PAST Bert's room TO Janet's room. Janet is
listless on bed, trying to sleep.
JANET
DRIFT INTO THE TREACLE DEEP
SLIP INTO IS SILENT DEPTHS - GO TO SLEEP
WITH YOUR EVERYTHING AKIMBO
FLOAT INTO THE SANDMAN'S LIMBO
CONTINUES TRACKING TO Ricky and Ansalong.
ANSALONG
NIGHT NIGHT
RICKY
NIGHT NIGHT
ANSALONG
IT'S TIME FOR BYE-BYES
IT'S BEEN A GREAT DAY THANKS A HEAP
NOW IT'S TIME FOR EVERYONE TO GO TO SLEEP
CAMERA TRACKS BACK as each light is switched off.
ALL
SO NIGHT NIGHT
(bass: night night)
IT'S TIME FOR BYE-BYES
IT'S BEEN A GREAT DAY
THANKS A HEAP
NOW IT'S TIME
FOR EVERYONE
TO GO TO SLEEP
CAMERA ENDS ON barred windows of Brad's room. Brad cries
quietly in his darkened cell.
AUDIENCE 57
Audience have nodded off as well.
GANTRY OVERLOOKING STUDIO "B" 58
Oliver has drifted asleep. Betty ends her all-night recital.
BETTY
'...HE WENT LIKE ONE THAT HATH BEEN STUNNED
AND IS OF SENSE FORLORN. A SADDER AND A WISER
MAN HE ROSE THE 'MORROW MORN.'
Vance Parker crawls up ladder towards them. He finds a
dead bird on Gantry and shines torch accusingly on couple.
PARKER
Does this belong to you?
Betty screams. Oliver wakes. Parker is left holding the
bird.
INT. "DENTONVALE" - DORMITORY 59
Alarm rings by Bert's bed. Ward light flickers on. He gets
up and taps his way to showers. He passes shower recess
containing Janet.
JANET
(from shower)
When do I get to see Brad?
BERT
After breakfast. You're sounding
tense, Janet.
(sneaks a look)
Maybe I could give you a little
massage?
Bert makes obviously "unblind" progress to Janet's shower
curtain. A watching shadow appears in doorway.
BERT
In my time they used to call me
the Merlin of Berlin.
NATION
(quietly from door)
They probably meant Irving and
wanted you to swing.
Bert swings -- around -- his eyesight fraud revealed.
NATION
(to Janet)
Mac's waiting in wardrobe, Janet.
(to Bert)
Nice to see you up and about,
Bert. Care to join me in an
on-set snack?
Nation smiles cruelly.
WARDROBE 60
Mac is fondling clothes.
Janet enters.
JANET
I want to see Brad.
MAC
I understand your concern, but
I feel it's time you started
thinking of yourself.
(indicates mirror)
Look at yourself.
Janet doesn't look.
MAC
You're beautiful!
Janet looks.
MAC
More beautiful than any film star.
And I should know. In the old
series they came and went in every
episode.
Janet cannot resist asking.
JANET
Is it true they're all midgets
with big heads?
MAC
Absolutely true. Compared to
all of them, you are perfection,
flawless beauty.
She blooms.
MAC
You are the most desirable creature
that ever walked.
JANET
If only Brad could have found
it within his heart to say
these things to me.
MAC
He will. But it's up to you to
reawaken his feelings. You've
got to be fabulous, look, think
and appear fabulous. And Farley's
given you that chance. You can
use the Breakfast Show to knock
Denton dead.
JANET
Do you really think so?
MAC
You've got a really tight team
around you. And everybody needs
you!
JANET
But what'll I do? What'll I
say? What'll I wear?
"LITTLE BLACK DRESS" 61
MAC
EVER SINCE I WAS A LITTLE BOY
DRESSING UP HAS ALWAYS BEEN MY GREATEST JOY
BUT WHEN IT'S TIME TO BE DISCREET
THERE'S ONE THING YOU JUST CAN'T BEAT
THAT'S A STRAPLESS, BACKLESS CLASSICAL LITTLE BLACK
MONTAGE OF SEWING, SCISSORS AND FABRIC.
MAC
FIRST YOU GO RIP RIP RIP
THEN YOU GO SNIP SNIP SNIP
THEN YOU WHIP IN A ZIP ZIP ZIP
AN' SPLIT IT UP TO THE HIP HIP HIP
AN' AS YOU STRIP STRIP STRIP
YOU QUIVER AND SHIVER FOR THAT SOFT CARESS
AS YOU SLIP SLIP SLIP...INTO THAT LITTLE BLACK DRESS
INT. DRESSING ROOM 62
The room is prepared for Janet's arrival. Flowers around.
Bert and Nation circle a table laid out for breakfast.
BERT
EVER SINCE I WAS THE EINER KELINER HERREN
IT WAS THE CORDON BLEU FOR WHICH I AM MOST CARE-EN...
AND THE ONE TASTE TREAT SO SWEET
THAT REALLY CAN'T BE BEAT...
IS WHAT WE HAVE JA? HOW YOU ARE?...CAVIAR!
THAT LITTLE BLACK MESS.
Mac appears up the stairs (from wardrobe below), champagne is
readied, Fanfare sounds as Janet storms up the stairs in her new "Look."
Corks pop. Bert is amazed at the change.
BERT
But...how?
JANET
WELL FIRST YOU GO RIP RIP RIP
THEN YOU GO SNIP SNIP SNIP
THEN YOU WHIP IN A ZIP ZIP ZIP
AN' YOU SPLIT IT UP TO THE HIP HIP HIP
AN' AS YOU STRIP STRIP STRIP
YOU QUIVER AND SHIVER FOR THAT SOFT CARESS
AS YOU SLIP SLIP SLIP...INTO THAT LITTLE BLACK DRESS
MAC
THAT MINIMAL
NATION
CRIMINAL
BERT
SIN-I-FUL
JANET
LITTLE BLACK DRESS
They drink champagne and dance around.
ALL
LET'S FACE IT MAC THAT BASIC BLACK IS COMING BACK
LET'S FACE IT MAC THAT BASIC BLACK IS COMING BACK
LET'S FACE IT MAC THAT BASIC BLACK IS COMING BACK
JANET
THAT MINIMAL
MAC
CRIMINAL
NATION
SIN-I-FUL
JANET
LITTLE BLACK DRESS
INT. STUDIO 63
Crew stand by on set for "Good Morning Denton." CYC and
"Variety" rostra. Dancers and Musicians at the ready.
FLOOD MANAGER
Right stand by everybody. She'll
be here any minute now.
Dressing room door flies open and Janet followed by Mac,
Nation and Bert dance down spiral staircase to chorus reprise
of "Little Black Dress." Crew applauds the entrance.
NEELY
Janet, I can't tell you how
excited I am. For you.
Janet moves across the studio surrounded by make-up and
wardrobe persons. In the b.g. Macy is settling into
Betty Hapschatt's desk and the "Denton Dossier" sign is being
replaced with "Good Morning Denton." Neely tries to keep up.
NEELY
We've got the band and dancers
standing by. Betty Hapschatt is...
indisposed. So Macy will have to
do the links.
JANET
I don't need linking.
ANGLE ON GANTRY 64
Oliver and Betty, looking the worse for wear, stumble around
to view the action. Betty spies Macy in her place and
freezes.
BETTY
I knew it!
ANGLE ON "GOOD MORNING DENTON" SET 65
Janet is positioned by Floor Manager. The Trio Group around.
We SEE them REFLECTED in a mirror held by make-up.
BERT
Out of self comes selflessness.
MAC
Show yourself. The real you.
The secret you.
NATION
You'll like what you see.
We CUT TO Macy's intro.
MACY
The fabulous. The golden. The
very wonderful...
Two DANCERS at Mike. They chime forth.
DANCERS
Janet -- Janet -- Janet -- Janet -- Janet.
ANGLE ON AUDIENCE 66
The audience wakes up and applauds.
"G.M.D." SET 67
Janet and two dancers silhouetted by Greek columns like a
kitsch "Three Graces."
JANET
(with Monitor)
THERE'S JUST THE TWO OF ME
ALONE AT LAST TOGETHER
WE'VE GOT THE LUCK SO FAR
WE ARE MY LUCKY STAR
Disco beat thumps in - Dancers start up.
JANET
DEEP IN THE HEART OF ME
I LOVE EVERY PART OF ME
ALL I CAN SEE IN ME
IS THE DANGER AND THE ECSTACY
ONE THING THERE COULDN'T BE
IS ANY MORE ME IN ME
DANCERS
THIS IS THE ME OF ME
ME ME ME
Dancers clump around. Janet walks out of light into studio
proper. Mayhem proceeds.
ANGLE ON AUDIENCE 68
SHOTS OF surprised audience.
"G.M.D." SET 69
Janet continues.
JANET
ME
ME
ME
ME ME ME
ME ME ME
ANGLE ON GANTRY 70
Betty and Oliver. Giddy with disbelief.
"G.M.D." SET 71
JANET
I AM MY DESTINY
I'LL ALWAYS BELIEVE IN ME
I'D NEVER LIE TO ME
I'D BE WILLING TO DIE FOR ME
I'LL PRAY EVERY DAY TO ME
HERE'S WHAT I'D SAY TO ME
DANCERS
THIS IS THE ME OR ME
ME ME ME
Janet knocks down column which brings down the set. Janet
mixes it with the Musicians. Grabs Guitar and plays a riff.
JANET
ME
ME
ME
ME ME ME
ME ME ME
LOOK AT ME!
Big finish. Dancers collapse.
ANGLE ON AUDIENCE 72
Wild applause.
ANGLE ON GANTRY 73
Betty rushes down the stairs. Oliver follows.
ANDLE ON "G.M.D." SET 74
Crew surround Janet.
CREW
Well done. Congratulations. That
was hot. Whan an act. Etc.
MACY
And you can see and hear Janet
tonight on 'Faith Factory'
brought to you by...
INT. CONTROL ROOM 75
Monitors screen excitement from the studio floor.
MACY
(voice over)
...Farley Flavors
Farley's LAUGHTER.
ANDLE ON "G.M.D." SET 76
Betty pushes her way through fans. Determined to break the spell.
BETTY
How's Brad?
Trio freeze expecting the worst.
JANET
If he caught my act he'll
be lookin' good!
Betty is appalled. Janet reassures.
JANET
It seems I'm his medicine
so we're off to give him
another spoonful.
Trio led by Janet head into maze down "Rest Home" Avenue. Oliver joins
puzzled Betty and they both join Queue for Kirk's breakfast coffee. Mom and Dad
are already being served. Kirk enthuses to them.
KIRK
Hey. What about that!
Janet was a knockout.
MOM
Thank you.
KIRK
Yeah, she looked terrific.
Sexy.
Dad looks angry at this. Kirk swallows.
KIRK
Sexy and yet at the same time ...
(searches for
a word)
'Fresh' -- untouched -- you
know. How's Brad?
MOM AND DAD
He's fine.
KIRK
Lucky Dog, having a pretty girl
like that for a wife.
Mom and Dad move away nervously and quickly.
DAD
Oh, yeah! He sure is. Thanks,
Kirk, for sugaring our coffee.
KIRK
My pleasure.
Mom and Dad head towards "Rest Home."
KIRK
(to himself)
That way I might get to sugar
your daughter's.
Betty and Oliver are next in line.
BETTY
Coffee, Kirk. I'm dying for
it.
KIRK
R.I.P., Betty. You're off the
list.
Betty is shocked. Oliver escorts her towards their office.
BETTY
What's happening here? Janet's
on the Breakfast Show, Brad's
committed to a nowehere series
and we've been . . .
They've arrived to find Ralph and Macy working at their desks.
OLIVER
. . .written out.
TITLE - "DENTONVALE" 77
VOICE OVER
Tonight's Episode. 'The Visit.'
INT - "DENTONVALE" - BRAD'S CELL 78
Mom and Dad are visiting Brad. Janet sweeps in. Brad is bound and
gagged and straining at his bonds.
JANET
I've just come to tell you
how fabulous I am.
MOM
(shouts)
Janet! Where's that lovely
dress I made you?
JANET
(dismissive)
Oh, Mac ran up this little
crowd-pleaser.
MOM
(outraged)
You're practically naked!
JANET
I can't wear anything under it.
That would spoil the line.
BRAD
HGMMMPHH!!
MOM
My God, Janet! How can you
say such things? Look at Brad,
look what they've done to him?
Mac, Nation and Bert follow in.
MAC
Ahhh!
DAD
There's going to have to be an enquiry.
MAC
Ahhh!
DAD
There are regulations.
MAC
Well. . .It's. . .
JANET
. . .For his own good.
MAC
(relieved)
Of course. He was in great
danger of harming himself.
NATION
We only want what's best for
him, as parents you must
understand.
DAD
No. No, I don't. He doesn't
have to be trussed up like a
turkey. There are drugs that
can keep him quiet.
NATION
We used them. All of them.
MOM
And none of them worked?
NATION
No.
DAD
Then double the strength.
NATION
We did.
MAC
We know our job.
NATION
And we also know how you feel,
we're not strangers to confusion.
MOM
We're not confused.
DAD
Well, I am, God damn it!
(turns to Janet)
You trust Brad. . .with this. . .
(points to Mac)
. . .crowd-pleaser!
"SHOCK TREATMENT" 79
Ricky and Ansalong arrive and open cage. Brad is wheeled around room as
Mac sings to parents.
MAC
I'M NOT A LOCUM WITH A MOTIVE TO SUTURE MYSELF
I'VE BEEN A CYNIC FOR TOO MANY YEARS
PLAYING DOCTOR AND NURSEY CAN BE GOOD FOR YOUR
HEALTH
I'VE SEEN CLINICS WITH THOSE GIMMICKS IN TANGIERS
Nation meanwhile has decided to demonstrate their expertise on Bert.
MAC
YOU NEED A BIT OF. . .
Nation rips off Bert's sunglasses.
RICKY, ANSALONG, NATION
OOOH SHOCK TREATMENT
MAC
GETS YOU JUMPING LIKE A REAL LIVE WIRE
NEED A BIT OF. . .
Nation breaks Bert's cane -- faith healer style.
ANSALONG, RICKY, NATION
OOOH SHOCK TREATMENT
MAC
SO LOOK OUT MISTER
DON'T BLOW YOUR LAST RESISTOR
FOR A VISTA THAT'LL MYSTIFY YA
Mac pushes Brad's chair through double doors. Everyone follows.
MAC
(to Brad)
YOU'RE BLINDED BY ROMANCE AND BLINDED BY SCIENCE
YOUR CONDITION IS CRITICALLY GRAVE
BUT DON'T EXPECT MERCY FROM SUCH AN ALLIANCE
SUSPICION OF TRADITION SO NEW WAVE
YOU NEED A BIT OF. . .
Nation opens door. TV set in "Ward" Room with image of blender now
overflowing with bloody substance. Image bleachs out as room
overexposes.
ALL
OOOH SHOCK TREATMENT
Door shuts.
ALL
GETS YOU JUMPING LIKE A REAL LIVE WIRE
Chorus repeats with action repeating on four doors. Other images are --
toaster popping up burnt, charred hands, blood-soaked scarf down smooth
leg, refrigerator opening on carcass.
MAC
SO LOOK OUT MISTER
DON'T BLOW YOUR LAST RESISTOR
FOR A SISTER THAT'LL CERTIFY YA.
Drum-riff takes over and all dance samba-style around corridors led by
Bert, Ansalong, and Ricky. Janet, Mac and Nation head out of corridors,
Mom and Dad to "Happy Homes" while Ricky and Ansalong end up wheeling
Brad back to his cell.
GANTRY - HIGH ANGLE ON MAZE DANCING 81
Betty and Oliver staring below.
BETTY
Look. Look at that. Bert Schnick
can see. Why...he's...dancing.
OLIVER
(unimpressed)
Yes. Macabre, isn't it. The
blind leading the blind.
INT. "FAITH FACTORY" SET 82
Photo blow-up of Farley being positioned. Bert, Janet, Mac, Nation
samba into rehearsal for "Faith Factory." A few kids (Oscar and Brenda
Drill, Glish Davison and Drummer) hover. Ralph and Macy greet Janet.
RALPH
Hi, Janet! Welcome to the
'Faith Factory' team. We're
all pretty excited about tonight.
JANET
(indicating Farley's
huge picture)
Do I get one of those?
RALPH
(embarrassed)
Uh...yeah...sure...It's being
done now.
He gives Macy Struthers a "get on with it" look.
MACY
(grinning a fixed,
some might say
plastic smile)
Hi! Macy Struthers -- co-host
on the F. F. show.
RALPH
Ah, Macy. Why don't you help
Janet freshen up before rehearsal.
MACY
Surely.
Flashbulbs pop. Three boys get Janet's autograph. Brenda pushes
through to Ralph.
BRENDA
(to Ralph)
You promised an introduction.
Macy hovers -- disapproving.
RALPH
(embarrassed)
Later, Brenda. Ah, Bert, could
you spare a moment?
BERT
(giving Mac and
Nation a superior
look)
Of course.
Mac and Nation exchange looks. Janet, Macy, Glish, Brenda, Oscar and
Drummer move towards dressing room.
GLISH DAVISON
(to Brenda)
Who are those creeps with Janet?
BRENDA
They're no creeps!
(superior tone)
Ralph says they're neuro-diagnosticians.
OSCAR
Oh yeah. When did Ralph say that?
BRENDA
(taunting)
Never mind.
Neely's CAMERA FOLLOWS. Neely thrusts a microphone at Janet as she
heads up spiral staircase.
NEELY
Janet! A quick word. Could you
tell our viewers what exactly you will represent
tonight.
JANET
(entering room)
Sanity for today!
Door slams. Neely fumes but smiles TO CAMERA. She passes Ralph and
Bert hovering in a corner. Ralph holds a clipboard with schedule.
RALPH
How's Brad?
BERT
A wreck.
RALPH
Check.
(sotto voce)
The quacks are willing tools?
BERT
Fools!
RALPH
I wouldn't mind doing Janet one
or two favours.
BERT
Time to check with Flavors.
INT. DRESSING ROOM 83
Janet and Company are relaxing. Nation mixes cocktails. Chanting in
b.g. Cassette plays a bland C&W background (carte blanche).
MACY
(a bit thin-lipped)
Anything else you'd like?
JANET
Yes. A new carpet. I hate the
colour.
Macy leaves.
NATION
It's only one night, Janet.
Let's not forget who we're
doing this for?
JANET
Who?
MAC
Brad!
JANET
(megalomania has
taken over)
I'm sick of hearing about that
lame dog. I've got a lot going
for me. I'm going places. I'm
going to be someone. I'm gonna
win my way into the lives and
hearts of people even if I have
to kill to do it. I'll make the
pathetic little crumbs love me.
I don't even know why I'm wasting
my time here with you. I should
be with my people...
Janet storms out of room onto balcony. Cheers from outside. Mac
exchanges a look with Nation who is lacing a cocktail.
INT. STUDIO 84
Janet waves to cheering kids from balcony.
GLISH
(shouts)
You're great!
JANET
(humbly)
Thank you.
BRENDA
Hi! My name's Brenda Drill...
and I think you're beautiful...
this is my brother Oscar and our
friend Glish Davison...you're
beautiful...you really are.
OSCAR
Are you a rock singer? I bet
she's a rock singer...
GLISH
Yeah. I saw the Breakfast Show.
You're terrific.
BRENDA
Your clothes are real neat...
Nation appears behind Janet, hands her the drink containing sedative.
NATION
This is Janet. She's a phenomenon.
Janet gulps drink.
JANET
SO IF YOU'RE LOOKING FOR A STANDARD
TO WHICH YOU CAN ASPIRE -- THEN BABIES
LOOK AT ME!
Mac and Nation assist swooning Janet inside.
NATION
I think you need a little rest.
You've got a big night ahead
of you.
Doors close. Kids chant "We Want Janet."
INT. "FAITH FACTORY" SET 85
Kids chanting "We Want Janet" throughout. Macy and Ralph are being
interviewed by Neely Pritt amidst a bevy of crew activity. Betty and
Oliver lurk on the sidelines -- eavesdropping.
MACY
So all in all it's going to
be an exciting new series for
us...
RALPH
...and an attractive financial
prospect for Denton.
CUT TO Betty yawning. Oliver listening intently.
NEELY
(voice over)
and fashion-wise?
BETTY
(suddenly alert)
What did I tell you.
Macy answers.
MACY
Well, I can just say that
'Faith Factory' will be introducing
a new look that will show off
one or two old faces in an
entirely new light.
NEELY
Really! Sounds promising.
Betty is bristling.
BETTY
Did you hear that, Oliver.
OLIVER
Yes, Betty. But the false promise
of a new dawn is usually followed
by a most bloody sunset.
Betty is despondent.
BETTY
Oh, Oliver. What are we going to do?
RALPH
(voice over)
No! I don't know what Janet's
next move will be...but you can
be sure of one thing...it all
starts here!
OLIVER
Care to indulge?
BETTY
Indulge?
OLIVER
In a little masquerade?
TITLE - "DENTONVALE" 85-A
VOICE OVER
Tonight's Episode --
'Parental Predicament.'
INT. "DENTONVALE" - BRAD'S CELL 86
Brad is still restrained and feverish. Mom and Dad are present. They
look very worried.
MOM
Oh, Harry. What are we going
to do?
DAD
Well...maybe I could wear my
black leather brogues?
MOM
Too flashy...they'll clash with
the new outfits.
Brad moans -- Mom feeds him a pill.
MOM
It's all right, Brad dear...have
another sedative...we'll miss
you on the show tonight.
They set off.
DAD
(to Mom)
Maybe those Italian loafers
I bought in Hawaii might still
fit?
Doors close. Brad looks tormented in his sleep. In the distance kids
are heard chanting "We Want Janet."
SUPERIMPOSITION 87
Janet appears through closed doors.
JANET
I've just come to tell you how
fabulous I am.
INT "DENTONVALE" - BRAD'S CELL 88
Brad tosses and turns.
INT. DRESSING ROOM 89
Janet tosses and turns.
KIDS
(voice over)
WE WANT JANET!
INT. "DENTONVALE" - BRAD'S CELL 90
Janet in wheelchair in her "Look."
SUPERIMPOSITION 91
Brad appears through closed door in straitjacket.
BRAD
I've just come to tell you
how fabulous I am.
INT. "DENTONVALE" - BRAD'S CELL AND CORRIDORS 92
Image DISSOLVES. Doors Open. CAMERA MOVES DOWN Corridor. Music riff
begins. Doors open as in "Shock Treatment." First door houses bed
containing Mac and Nation. Second door has Bert Schnick.
BERT
Face up to it, Janet...He's an
emotional cripple.
CANNED LAUGHTER ECHOES. Door closes.
Third door has TV set with image of Farley's face.
FARLEY
TIME'S TIGHT, JANET
DO IT RIGHT, JANET
UNTIL TONIGHT, JANET
IMAGE BLEACHES WHITE.
Janet appears in white corridors.
JANET
(sings)
I'M IN A CUL-DE-SAC
AN' I'VE GOT TO GO BACK
SO C'MON FEET
WE GOTTA HIT THE STREET
WE GOT IT MADE...
I'M LOOKING FOR TRADE
Door opens on Brad's cell.
BRAD
I'M LOOKING FOR LOVE.
Closes. Janet leans against it.
JANET
I'M LOOKING FOR TRADE
INT. "DENTONVALE" - CORRIDORS 93
Janet circling corridor.
JANET
I NEED SOME
YOUNG BLOOD
I NEED SOME
YOUNG BLOOD
I NEED IT NOW
I NEED SOME
YOUNG BLOOD
I NEED SOME
YOUNG BLOOD
AND I'M GONNA GET IT SOMEHOW!
Janet opens door.
INT. "DENTONVALE" - DINING ROOM 94
Dining table replaced by pool table. Oscar, Glish and Drummer playing
pool.
JANET
I'M IN A DEAD-END STREET
LIKE A DOG IN THE HEAT
I'M NO LIKE A KID WITH NO TOYS
I GOTTA GET THOSE BOYS
OOHH I CAN'T BE DELAYED
I'M LOOKING FOR TRADE
Brad appears on pool table. Boys vanish.
BRAD
I'M LOOKING FOR LOVE
JANET
I'M LOOKING FOR TRADE
INT "DENTONVALE" - OFFICE 95
Filing cabinets replaced by "Space Invaders" Machines. Oscar, Glish and
Drummer Whizz and Fire Electronic machines.
JANET
WE'RE ALL LIVING LIKE THERE'S NO TOMORROW
AN' THE WAY THINGS ARE GOING THAT'S PROBABLY TRUE
Explosion from Machine.
JANET
BUT WITHOUT YOU AND ME, SIS
(looks are her reflection)
THE WORLD'D FALL TO PIECES
(clutches her heart)
VENA CAVA WHO'S THE RAVER?
TRIO
OUR RAVING SAVIOUR THAT'S YOU!!
INT. "DENTONVALE" - CORRIDORS WITH DOORS 96
Janet opens doors, each containing video image of Farley smiling.
JANET
I'M ON THE PRIMROSE PATH
LOOKING FOR A LAUGH (DOOR)
REMEMBER, IT'S NO FUN
TO BE CHOSEN ONE (DOOR)
THERE ARE GAMES TO BE PLAYED
Janet opens shower door. Three heads turn.
OSCAR, GLISH AND DRUMMER
LOOKING FOR TRADE
SHOT of Janet down corridor.
SHOT OF corridor to Brad's cell. Door opens.
BRAD
I'M LOOKING FOR LOVE
DOOR CLOSES.
CLOSEUP OF Janet.
JANET
I'M LOOKING FOR TRADE
INT "DENTONVALE" - ANGLE ON WALL WITH WINDOWS 97
Janet walks past windows. Faces of Trio appear through open and closed
Venetian blinds.
JANET
I NEED SOME
TRIO
YOUNG BLOOD
JANET
I NEED SOME
TRIO
YOUNG BLOOD
JANET
I NEED IT NOW
I NEED SOME
TRIO
YOUNG BLOOD
JANET
I NEED SOME
TRIO
YOUNG BLOOD
Janet stops by Brad's window.
JANET
AND I'M GONNA GET IT SOMEHOW
She looks in. The cage contains the video of Farley's smiling face.
She turns away.
JANET
I'M LOOKING FOR TRADE
INT. DRESSING ROOM - CLOSEUP JANET'S SLEEPING FACE 98
CHANTING HEARD from outside.
OSCAR, GLISH AND DRUMMER
Janet! Janet! We want Janet!
Janet! Janet! Wake up, Janet!
Eyes flutter open. Nation enters.
NATION
You've got guests.
(calls)
You can come in now.
Eyes focus. Drugged effort to talk. Oscar, Brenda, Glish and Drummer
visit.
BRENDA
Hi, Janet. They wouldn't let us
visit you before. They said you
were sleeping.
JANET
Who are you?
OSCAR
The Band. We've been rehearsing
for the new show. My sister
Brenda persuaded Ralph to let us
play.
JANET
You got any friends?
OSCAR
Sure. Glish here...and Brenda.
JANET
(self-pitying)
You won't have soon. You grow
away from the ones you love.
Oscar and Glish exchange a look.
JANET
Whateryer called, yer band?
GLISH
(proudly)
Oscar Drill and the Bits.
Janet passes out.
WARDROBE 99
Dummy dressed as Farley FILLS SCREEN. From behind it a woman's hand
emerges. It is the wardrobe mistress. She collects dummy and exits --
as she does, two figures emerge from behind the racks -- Oliver and
Betty.
BETTY
I don't mind telling you, Oliver...
I'm not looking forward to this.
They grab lab coats from a medical rack labelled "F.F."
OLIVER
Betty, it's imperative we get
Janet out of Flavors' fast fingers
and Brad out of that hell-hole
before they both disappear forever.
If only I could place that name
-- McKinley?
BETTY
(from under a
pile of clothes)
He was a President.
OLIVER
President? Past Presidents!
Betty, this is beginning to add
up.
BETTY
Really.
(appears in Nurse's
outfit holding accessory)
What'll I pin this on?
OLIVER
Faith, Betty. But make sure it's
your own.
They exit stealthily.
INT. CONTROL ROOM 100
Monitors all read "D.T.V."
Farley being fitted by Wardrobe. impatient, he checks his watch.
Parker in attendance.
WARDROBE
In a hurry, Mr. Flavors?
PARKER
There's a little lady he doesn't
want to keep waiting. And a date...
WARDROBE
Who with, Mr. Flavors?
FLAVORS
The past.
WARDROBE 101
Chaos in the racks as Mac and Nation dispense the "Faith Factory"
medical look outfits to Ralph, Macy, Ricky, Ansalong, Mom and Dad.
MOM
LIKE A VIRGIN WITH AN' URGIN' IN A SURGERY
I'LL BE SWINGING -- I'LL BE BRINGING OUT THE NURSE
IN ME
DAD
THE ART WILL START WHEN I PLAY MY PART
AS THE HEALER WHO WILL STEAL YOUR HEART
BOTH
OH, LOOK WHAT I DID TO MY ID
Mac and Nation hand out stethoscopes, etc.
MAC AND NATION
WITH NEUROSIS IN PROFUSION
AND PSYCHOSIS IN YOUR SOUL
ELIMINATE CONFUSION
AND HIDE INSIDE A BRAND NEW ROLE
MACY
LIKE A GOOD-TIME GIRL I'M GONNA TRY SOME NEW TRICKS
RALPH
THIS COULD BE THE START OF A WHOLE NEW CAREER HERE
MACY
LIKE A DEEP PLUM LIPSTICK AND SOME THERAPEUTICS
RALPH
THIS COULD TAKE US TO A TOWN THAT'S NOWHERE NEAR
HERE
They dance to mirrors as Ricky struggles with pants and Ansalong snips
her hemline.
ANSALONG
GOT THE HOT FLUSH SYMPTOMS AND I'M FEELING FREAKY
RICKY
YOUNG MALE INTERN, TALL AND HANDSOME
ANSALONG
GOT MY HEM SO HIGH THEY'LL SAY I'M BEING CHEEKY
RICKY
WITH LEGS LIKE MINE I'M REALLY MADE FOR DANCING
They dance.
ENSEMBLE
IN THE BEST-DRESSED CONTEST
THERE'S BOUND TO BE SOME JEALOUSY
BUT THE BEST-DRESSED GUEST WITH WHOM WE'RE ALL IMPRESSED
IS *ME!* *ME!* *ME!* *ME!*
YOU MAY SAY THAT WE'RE PHONY MEDICS
AND ALL OUR UNIFORMS CAME FROM FREDERICK'S
BUT LOOK WHAT I DID TO MY ID
KID
LOOK WHAT I DID TO MY ID
INT. DRESSING ROOM 102
Brenda has organised coffee to sober Janet up. Glish and Oscar site
mesmerised; like most people, they are mistaking histrionics for
greatness. Mac and Nation check in on Janet.
JANET
(mumbling)
Brad! Oh, Brad.
NATION
(impatient)
He's a lame dog, remember? But
even he wouldn't want to see you
like this.
The door opens -- Ralph is there with Neely's News Team.
NEELY
Listen, Ralph, I need a final
statement from her -- and if
I don't get it now, Right now!
There's going to be trouble.
RALPH
Later, Neely.
Slams door. Neely's voice complaining in distance.
RALPH
How is she?
Nation shrugs.
RALPH
Yeah! Well, I just got word Farley's
expecting her any minute. You Guys!!
(Oscar and Glish) Get yer asses in
front of those cameras, warm up that
crowd and earn yourselves a reputation.
Okay? Move!!!
Ralph rushes out. Oscar and Glish shuffle a bit -- Oscar puts a couple
of grubby pills on the table.
OSCAR
For you, Janet -- they'll make
you feel real good.
GLISH
(awkwardly)
Yeah, right.
They exit. Nation skillfully pops her own pills into Janet's coffee.
NATION
Amateurs!
INT. STUDIO 103
People are circulating. An excited Audience with "Take-Away-Therapy"
products, "Faith Factory" T-shirts, etc. Above, on the gantry, Betty
and Oliver, disguised as Medicos, are making plans. Betty moves to
stairway behind their old office while Oliver heads around behind the
set. Meanwhile Neely is entertaining the Audience with some last-minute
reportage.
NEELY
An' so if you're a follower of
exotic trends in fashion you'll
find plenty to keep you going
here tonight...and, naturally,
feeling the excitement and not
wishing to stick out like a sore
thumb, I had to get an outfit of
my own together...and this is it...
She tries at first to be the reporter in a funny costume but then we see
a look in her eyes that says...Look at Me.
INT. "DENTON DOSSIER" OFFICE 104
THROUGH glass we SEE door at back of office open and "Nurse" Betty
stealthily heads towards computer information section. FINGERS TYPE out
"McKinley" and READ-OUT REVEALS the following:
READ-OUT
COSMO AND NATION MCKINLEY -- OPERATING UNDER ALIAS
COSMO AND NATION HARDING, COSMO AND NATION
JOHNSON, COSMO AND NATION COOLIDGE, COSMO
AND NATION FILLMORE. ORIGIN UNKNOWN, FIRST
SIGHTED ENGLAND THEN GERMANY, SOUTH AFRICA,
BRAZIL, SWITZERLAND, CURRENT ADDRESS DENTON U.S.A.
BETTY
Good Heavens! Character actors.
INT. STUDIO - ANGLE ON AUDIENCE 105
Oscar Drill's Band are tuning up. We VEER OVER to Brenda who's
organising the crowd into a cheer squad.
BRENDA
J. A. N. E. T. What's that spell?
CROWD
JANET!
BRENDA
I can't hear you etc.
ANGLE ON GANTRY 106
Oliver heads past Officer Parker towards Brad's cell in "Dentonvale."
INT. "DENTON DOSSIER" OFFICE 107
FINGERS TYPE "Farley Flavors." Information reads out "Farley Flavors --
see Brad Majors -- Microfilm D.D.4711."
INT. "FAITH FACTORY" SET 108
Oscar, Brenda and Bits have arrived. Crowd murmurs. Mrs. Drill (Brenda
and Oscar's Mom) starts to elbows those around her.
MRS. DRILL
That's my boy, Oscar. Come on,
Oscar. Come on, Baby.
Ralph steps up to Mike.
RALPH
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN -- DENTON'S OWN --
with --
(reads)
'A Suburban Garage Sound.'
Let's hear it for Oscar Drill and the Bits.
The crowd cheers.
INT. "DENTONVALE" - BRAD'S CELL 109
Brad in chair in cage.
Oliver's face appears at window. Brad looks startled.
INT. "DENTON DOSSIER" OFFICE 110
Microfilm on video screen. Headlining reading "Twins Tragedy." Betty
gasps. Winds film on.
BETTY
This is one time charity didn't
begin at home.
Betty heads back to door as we CUT TO Video Screen SHOWING photos of
Brad and Farley as children -- twin brothers. Music starts in studio.
INT. "FAITH FACTORY" SET 111
The Band thumps it out. Mrs. Drill behaves like a Woodstock hippie.
OSCAR
I KNOW HOW IT FEELS TO BE COOLIN' MY HEELS
I'VE BEEN DOWN ON THEM LONG ENOUGH
BUT IF I TAKE TO THEM NOW
THEN MAYBE SOMEHOW
YOU'LL SEE THROUGH THE BLUFF
OF MY PLAYING IT TOUGH
INT. "DENTONVALE" - BRAD'S CELL 112
Oliver is in room. He tries keys on cell door.
INT. "FAITH FACTORY" SET 113
OSCAR, BRENDA, GLISH
I'VE BEEN A LIFETIME ON DEPOSIT
AND THAT'S A LONG TIME IN THE CLOSET
AND IF YOU SAY TO ME 'HOW WAS IT?'
IT WAS HARD TAKING THAT HEART BREAKING
GOD FORSAKEN ROUTE
BUT I'M B-B-B-BREAKING OUT.
INT. "DENTONVALE" - BRAD'S CELL 114
Oliver isn't having much success. Betty appears at window brandishing
"Hairpin."
INT. "FAITH FACTORY" SET 115
OSCAR
YOU MAY SAY THAT YOU'D CHOOSE
TO BE IN MY SHOES
BUT LOOK WHAT IT DID FOR ME
INT. DRESSING ROOM 116
Nation helps Janet into dress. She stares, frozen, into mirrors.
OSCAR
(voice over)
I GOT BURIED ALIVE
I DON'T THRIVE ON THAT JIVE
LOOK AND YOU'LL SEE
THAT MY SPIKES DON'T FIT ME
INT. "FAITH FACTORY" SET 117
OSCAR, BRENDA, GLISH
WE'VE BEEN A LIFETIME ON DEPOSIT
AND THAT'S A LONG TIME IN THE CLOSET
AND IF YOU SAY TO US 'HOW WAS IT?'
IT WAS HARD TAKING THAT HEART BREAKING
GOD FORSAKEN ROUTE
BUT WE'RE B-B-B-BREAKING OUT.
INT. "DENTONVALE" - BRAD'S CELL 118
Betty has picked the lock.
They rush in to Brad. Oliver grasps the wheelchair.
BRAD
Where are we going?
BETTY
To a family reunion.
INT. "FAITH FACTORY" SET 119
Audience is responding to Oscar and Company.
OSCAR
BREAKING OUT
AUDIENCE
BREAKING OUT
OSCAR
BREAKING OUT
AUDIENCE
BREAKING OUT
OSCAR
BREAKING OUT
AUDIENCE
BREAKING OUT
INT. "DENTONVALE" - BRAD'S CELL 120
Oliver. Betty. Brad. Explanations are concluding.
BETTY
...and he's resented you all these
years.
BRAD
And Janet?
OLIVER
She represents everything he
was denied.
INT. "FAITH FACTORY" SET 121
OSCAR, BRENDA, GLISH
Breaking OUT!
Applause. Flashbulbs.
INT. CONTROL ROOM 122
FARLEY
...She represents everything that
our customers want. Innocence,
decency and the illusion of a
happy ending!
Applause. Flashbulbs, etc.
FARLEY
And behind her image Take-Away
Therapy will thrive in the
capable hands of two great
ethical intellects operating on
the frontiers of medical science...
(indicating Mac
and Nation)
... under the firm guidance of a
great survivor in the treacherous
sea of diplomacy -- Bert Schnick!
Applause -- meeting breaks up -- Neely elbows her way to Farley. Crew
follows, CAMERAS TURNING. Macy leaves to collect Janet. Others follow.
NEELY
Mr. Flavors -- may I have a moment
of your time?
CAMERAS TURN.
FARLEY
(magnanimous)
Sure thing.
NEELY
We've heard rumors that you're
going to unveil more than just
a new series tonight. Is this
true?
FARLEY
Absolutely correct.
NEELY
Could you tell us a little about
it?
FARLEY
Let's just say that I'm putting
sanity back on the national
menu.
NEELY
And how does 'local girl'
Janet Majors fit into the scheme
of things?
Macy arrives, escorting Janet.
FARLEY
(glimpsing Janet)
Very nicely.
JANET
(amazed at
resemblance)
Brad?
INT. "DENTONVALE" - CORRIDORS 123
Betty holds door to Brad's cell as Oliver pushes chair into corridor.
INT. "FAITH FACTORY" 124
Colonnade with central dais backed by two photo blow-ups of Farley and
Janet. mom, Dad, Ricky, Ansalong, Macy sit on lower level. Ralph at
microphone. Mac and Nation flanking podium.
RALPH
And here she is! Denton's
own! America's Pride! Janet...
The Sensation of the Planet...
Cheers.
RALPH
We bring you...MISS MENTAL HEALTH.
A rather confused Janet dressed as a cross between Miss America and a
bride appears at the entrance to the colonnade. During the following
she progresses along to the dais and sits in a special, waiting throne.
Nation has the microphone.
NATION
Isn't she lovely?
MOM
(shouts)
Mommy and Daddy love you,
Baby.
NATION
She walks in beauty...
MOM
(shouts)
We love you, Baby.
NATION
We all love Janet...Who
do we love?
ALL
(shout)
JANET!!
NATION
(over P.A.)
The dress Janet is wearing has
been given by Creme de la Creme Modes of
Downtown Denton, and we've been asked
that you take note of the individual
styling and exquisite tailoring...
This is just one of the many gifts
that have been so freely and generously
given to Janet, the first of
(we hope) many Miss Mental Healths...
Neely Pritt preens at this remark.
ALL
Hooray.
VOICE OFF (IRWIN)
Let me through. I'm the President.
NEELY
(excitedly)
The President's here!
Audience excitement as a strange little man ascends the dais.
PRESIDENT
I'm Irwin Lappsy...President
of Lappsy Auto...and I have here
in my hand some keys...keys that
I want to give to this little
Lady that's being honored tonight
...And I wanna tell you...that if
this same little Lady takes these
keys...She'll find that they fit
something! And what that something
is...is a...BRAND NEW...ULTRA DE LUXE
...EIGHT CYLINDER CONVERTIBLE!!
COMPLETE WITH RADIO...TAPEDECK
...WASHABLE SEAT COVERS and
many more extras...an' it's hers
for absolutely free.
The curtains part with a fanfare and we see the auto. LAPPSY goes to
hand Janet the keys and Mac grabs them.
ALL
Wow...Yeah...Hooray.
MOM
You're beautiful, Baby.
RALPH
Well, Janet's absolutely speechless,
Ladies and Gentlemen. But that's
all right. Because we don't need her
to talk...But here's someone we do
want to hear from...a firm favorite
of yours and mine. You've revelled
in his recipes. You've marvelled
at his marriage guidance. Yes, the
all-knowing, and now all-seeing
Bert Schnick!!
Bert races around colonnade to take his place at the microphone.
BERT
Sank you! Velcome! Sank you!
RALPH
What's cookin', Bert?
BERT
I tell you what's cooking. She
made the blind see and it was a
gift! Who was it from? Let's
hear an 'F" for...
ALL
Farley!
INT. "DENTONVALE" - CORRIDORS 125
Oliver and Betty are wheeling Brad around corridors but seem quite lost.
All pointing different directions.
BERT
(voice over)
And another one for...
ALL
Flavors!
INT. "FAITH FACTORY" 126
Farley progresses around Colonnade to tremendous ovation. Music plays.
He takes microphone.
FARLEY
My Friends! And you are
my friends. My friends.
Tonight, we are taking the
first step of defiance and
starting something that will
grow so big that the whole
world will reverberate to its
sound. And wherever our
slogan 'SANITY AND VANITY'
is uttered it will be
linked incontravertably with
this night...this station
...and...this...beautiful
face.
Farley moves to Janet. Groom to Bride.
INT. CORRIDORS 127
Trio roars around corner.
INT. "FAITH FACTORY" 128
Farley's hand takes Janet's. He is about to kiss her as the trio
crashes through the photo blowup of Janet and Brad lands between them.
BRAD
SEDUCER!
Chord.
FARLEY
(amazed)
Who are you, Sir!
Chord.
BRAD
(defiant)
Your twin brother! And your
accuser!
General consternation. Janet looks from one to another. They are
indeed identical.
JANET
BRAD!
MAC
(to Parker)
Arrest that man! He's committed
to our care.
JANET
(to Mac)
I never signed the contract.
(to Parker)
He's not going anywhere.
Chord.
OLIVER
(to Farley)
To revenge your twin--you
tried to abuse her.
FARLEY
Ridiculous accusations! You
force me to refuse her.
BRAD
Then why did you choose her?
CLOSEUP of Farley glaring at Brad.
FARLEY
(voice over)
Because...of you, Sir!
FARLEY
(voice over,
singing)
YOU'RE A LOSER...AN ABOMINATION
IN THE EYES OF ANY SENSITIVE MAN
CLOSEUP of Brad glaring back at Farley.
BRAD
(voice over)
AN' YOU'RE A BLIND ALLEY CRUISER
ALWAYS HEADING DOWN A LOSING
STRAIGHT
DREAMIN' THAT YOU'RE SCREAMIN' AT
FATE
INT. CORRIDORS - BRAD'S P.O.V. 129
Pursuing Farley down corridor.
BRAD
(voice over)
YOU'RE A DEAD-END, DEAD-BEAT,
NO-WHERE MISTER
WITH A KISS LIKE A MISSISSIPPI
ALLIGATOR'S SISTER
Farley turns. They now spit their thought at each other in song:
FARLEY
I'VE TOOK AS MUCH OF YOU AS ANY
MAN CAN
YOU'VE LOST YOUR HEART
CLOSEUP - BRAD.
BRAD
YOU'VE LOST YOUR CAUSE
CLOSEUP - FARLEY.
FARLEY
YOU LOST YOUR BABY WHEN YOU LOST
YOUR BALLS
YOU'VE LOST YOUR MIND, YOU'VE LOST
YOUR GRIP
SO SAY BYE-BYE
Farley walks away. Brad pursues.
BRAD
WE LOST OUR MOM, WE LOST OUR DAD
AN' IF I'M LOSING YOU, WELL THAT'S
JUST TOO BAD
Farley turns.
FARLEY
WELL THE BEST THING YOU COULD
EVER DO...IS DIE
Farley moves on.
BRAD
YOU'RE A FAILURE...
A MALFORMATION IN THE GUISE OF
MANY, AN ALSO-RAN
Farley turns.
FARLEY
AN' YOU'RE A WEEPER AND A WAILER
ALWAYS TREADING THE TOES OF
THE GREAT
GENERALLY SPREADING YOUR WEIGHT
YOU'RE A SPITEFUL, HATEFUL
ASININE CREATURE
A PUPIL WITH NO SCRUPLES WHO
KNEW BETTER THAN THE TEACHER
CLOSEUP - BRAD.
BRAD
I'VE TOOK AS MUCH OF YOU AS ANY
MAN CAN
CLOSEUP - FARLEY.
FARLEY
YOU'VE LOST YOUR HEART
CLOSEUP - BRAD.
BRAD
YOU'VE LOST YOUR CAUSE
CLOSEUP - FARLEY.
FARLEY
YOU LOST YOUR BABY WHEN YOU LOST
YOUR BALLS
YOU'VE LOST YOUR MIND, YOU'VE LOST
YOUR GRIP
SO SAY BYE-BYE
Farley moves off.
BRAD
WE LOST OUR HOME AND OUR FAMILY
YOU'VE LOST COMPASSION, NOW
YOU'RE LOSING ME
Farley turns.
FARLEY
THE BEST THING YOU COULD EVER DO
IS DIE
CLOSEUP - BRAD.
BRAD
THE BEST THING YOU COULD EVER DO
IS DIE.
INT. "FAITH FACTORY" 130
CUT BETWEEN CLOSEUPS OF Brad on floor in straitjacket and Farley
standing in tuxedo.
BRAD AND FARLEY
(voice over)
THE BEST THING YOU COULD EVER
DO IS DIE.
FARLEY
Take no notice of him. He's
mad.
BRAD
(spluttering)
I'm as sane as you are. Saner!
Mac grabs microphone.
MAC
And he was only with us for
a day.
Crowd jeers and laughs.
BERT
(half to himself)
They should be sent to the
Danube before Dawn.
RALPH
(sharply)
What?
BERT
(caught out)
Nothing. Just...memories!
Ralph confides to Farley:
RALPH
We'll edit the tapes. This
will never see airplay.
(steps to microphone)
I hope Mr. Flavors will accept
apologies on behalf of Denton
for this unfortunate incident.
Everyone wants to be related
to the great.
FARLEY
No offense! On the contrary,
this is a perfect examples of
what we're here to combat.
(whispers to Janet)
The choice is yours...
Janet looks from one to another. She chooses Brad. Farley indicates
the quartet of Brad, Janet, Oliver and Betty. He starts CHANTING.
FARLEY
Out! Out! Out!
Audience picks up CHANT until "OUT! OUT! OUT!" becomes a DEAFENING ROAR
and the quartet retreats in fear of their lives. Audience roar turns to
CHEERS as Parker escorts the Quartet off the set to the "Denton Dossier"
office where he shuts them in.
FARLEY
(triumphant)
And the way we got rid of that
dirty little dish is the way
we're going to put the rest of
our house in order.
(tapping his brain)
Including the UPSTAIRS!
CHEERS, white doves are released. Neely nudges Bert but Ralph gets the
idea and pushes Macy towards Farley.
FARLEY
(to Macy)
Would you care to join me up
here, Miss, and help us
inaugurate the Farley Flavors
FAITH FACTORY, transmitting
from coast to coast and from
continent to continent...step
up, please, Miss...?
MACY
Macy...Macy Struthers.
Betty gives the finger from the glass door.
BETTY
(with venom)
Who loves you, Baby!
BRENDA's MOTHER
(shouts out)
My Brenda's better than both of
them!
Brenda looks appalled. "Bits" are worried by the turn of events.
Janet's Mom looks suicidal...Dad consoles.
MOM
What a nerve! What a mouth!
DAD
Shut up, Emily, and listen to
a success story.
NEELY
(in tears)
I can't stand it. Everything
good always happens to other
people.
NATION
(sotto voce to Mac)
This could be worse than the
old series.
MAC
(sotto voce to
Nation)
In the old series we didn't
have a convertible.
He rattles the keys.
FARLEY
And remember. Sanity today
is the springboard to a
hygienic tomorrow.
Audience applauds.
FARLEY
Now will you join us down the
D.T.V. trail to DENTONVALE?
AUDIENCE
Yes!
Oscar, Brenda and the Bits decline but everyone else storms into
colonnade path which is seen to form the entrance to the corridors.
Straitjackets are handed out on entry. Neely winds up her documentary.
NEELY
And Fast Food Giant
Farley Flavors has given
Miss Mental Health what can
only be described as an
official kiss of approval and
the crowd are loving it as
they follow her down the
Dentonvale trail.
In office Brad indicates everyone disappearing to Parker. He reacts and
rushes off after Neely who is trailing with her long-suffering Crew.
Betty produces the hairpin and gets to work on the lock; Janet and
Oliver undo the straitjacket on Brad.
"ANYHOW! ANYHOW!" 131
BRAD
SOME PEOPLE DO IT FOR COMPASSION
JANET
SOME PEOPLE DO IT FOR THE FASHION
BRAD
SOME PEOPLE DO IT TO BE FUNNY
JANET
SOME PEOPLE DO IT FOR THE MONEY
OLIVER
SOME PEOPLE DO IT FOR ENSLAVEMENT
BETTY
SOME PEOPLE DO IT ON THE PAVEMENT
Lock turns. Door opens.
BETTY
BUT
Music starts. They stand. They dance across colonnade to now-deserted
seating block.
QUARTET
WE'RE GONNA DO IT ANYHOW! ANYHOW!
WE'RE GONNA DO IT ANYHOW! ANYHOW!
WE'RE GONNA DO IT -- NO MATTER
HOW THE WIND IS BLOWING
WE'RE GONNA DO IT ANYHOW! ANYHOW!
WE'RE GONNA DO IT ANYHOW! ANYHOW!
WE'RE GONNA DO IT -- WE JUST
GOTTA KEEP GOING
Sitting among debris left by Audience.
BRAD AND JANET
SOME PEOPLE DO IT FOR FOR EACH OTHER
OLIVER AND BETTY
SOME PEOPLE DO IT FOR FOR THEIR LOVERS
BRAD AND JANET
SOME PEOPLE DO IT FOR FOR IMPROVEMENT
OLIVER AND BETTY
SOME PEOPLE DO IT FOR MOVEMENT
BRAD AND JANET
SOME PEOPLE DO IT FOR FOR ENJOYMENT
OLIVER AND BETTY
SOME PEOPLE DO IT FOR FOR EMPLOYMENT
They are joined by Oscar, Brenda, Glish, Drummer who have been hiding in
Lappsy's auto. They repeat chorus, dancing along colonnade towards
studio door:
OCTET
WE'RE GONNA DO IT ANYHOW! ANYHOW!
WE'RE GONNA DO IT ANYHOW! ANYHOW!
WE'RE GONNA DO IT -- NO MATTER
HOW THE WIND IS BLOWING
WE'RE GONNA DO IT ANYHOW! ANYHOW!
WE'RE GONNA DO IT ANYHOW! ANYHOW!
WE'RE GONNA DO IT -- WE JUST
GOTTA KEEP GOING
INT. "DENTONVALE" SET 132
EXTREME TOP ANGLE ZOOMING SLOWLY BACK FROM Farley, Mac, Nation, Bert,
Ralph, Macy, Ricky, Ansalong, Mom, Dad and Mrs. Drill celebrating with
champagne in Dentonvale office. As SHOT WIDENS we SEE Audience all in
straitjackets, running around the corridors in and out of rooms. The
SHOT WIDENS as does the chaos UNTIL IT TAKES IN the entire studio.
DENTON CHORUS
DENTON! DENTON! YOU'VE GOT NO
PRETENTION
YOU'RE WHERE THE HEART IS! YOU'RE
OKAY!
DENTON! DENTON! I'D JUST LIKE
TO MENTION
YOU'RE THE ACCEPTABLE FACE OF THE
HUMAN RACE
YOU'RE DENTON! DENTON!...
DENTON U.S.A.
INT. STUDIO 133
The octet are pushing back the studio door revealing the moon and a wet,
windy nightscape.
OCTET
WE'RE GONNA DO IT ANYHOW! ANYHOW!
WE'RE GONNA DO IT ANYHOW! ANYHOW!
WE'RE GONNA DO IT -- NO MATTER
HOW THE WIND IS BLOWING
WE'RE GONNA DO IT ANYHOW! ANYHOW!
WE'RE GONNA DO IT -- WE JUST
GOTTA KEEP GOING
They head into the night.
OCTET
WE JUST GOTTA KEEP GOING
An electric storm flashes lightning.
OCTET
WE JUST GOTTA KEEP GOING
Studio doors slide closed.
END TITLES.
FADE OUT
THE END
