The Musical World of Rocky Horror

Shock Treatment (Shooting Script)        4,835 views

"SHOCK TREATMENT"


Screenplay
by
Richard O'Brien and Jim Sharman


Book and Lyrics
by
Richard O'Brien


Music
by
Richard Hartley and Richard O'Brien


Copyright 1980 (c) All Rights Reserved
Michael White Ltd. 13 Duke Street
St. James, London SW1Y 6DB. U.K.

SHOOTING SCRIPT
October, 1980


        THE ROCKY HORROR PICTURE SHOW featured an ordinary
        couple, Brad and Janet, innocent victims of a flat
        tyre and a wet night, caught in a bizarre Horror
        Movie nightmare.

        SHOCK TREATMENT features Brad and Janet, innocent
        members of a live TV audience, drawn into a new
        and equally bizarre nightmare of Soap Operas,
        Game Shows and Media Manipulation.  The madness
        accelerates until they don't know where Television
        ends and reality begins.


CAST

FARLEY FLAVORS                                  A Sponsor
BRAD MAJORS                                     A Hero
JANET MAJORS                                    A Heroine
COSMO McKINLEY                                  A Doctor
NATION McKINLEY                                 A Doctor
JUDGE OLIVER WRIGHT                             A Local Expert
BETTY HAPSCHATT                                 A "Denton Dossier" Host
RALPH HAPSCHATT                                 A "Faith Factory" Host
BERT SCHNICK                                    A "Marriage Maze" Host
NEELY PRITT                                     A Documentary Person
MACY STRUTHERS                                  An Ambitious Person
VANCE PARKER                                    A Security Officer
HARRY WEISS                                     A Father
EMILY WEISS                                     A Mother
RICKY                                           A Nurse
ANSALONG                                        A Nurse
OSCAR DRILL                                     A Singer
BRENDA DRILL                                    A Teenager
GLISH DAVISON                                   A Musician
DRUMMER                                         A Musician
KIRK IDLE                                       A Caterer
IRWIN LAPPSY                                    A Car Salesman
MRS. DRILL                                      Another Mother
FLOOR MANAGER
WARDROBE
MAKE-UP
THREE SOLDIERS
THREE PATRIOTIC WIVES
THREE REDNECKS
SCHOOL KIDS IN COMMERCIAL
MUSICIANS (5)
NEELY'S CREW (1)
D.T.V. CREW (3)
        AND
THE AUDIENCE


"SHOCK TREATMENT"

FADE IN

THE ENTIRE FILM IS LOCATED IN A TELEVISION STUDIO.

SHOT OF MOON                                                    1

Clouds passing.

                                VOICE OVER
        Once upon a time.  In a town
        not far from yours...

CLOSEUP - FARLEY'S FACE                                         2

wreathed in cigar smoke.

                                VOICE OVER
                ...there lived a real fast guy...

OVERTURE                                                        3

DIGITAL TITLES PROCEED ACROSS BOTTOM OF FRAME.  CAMERA PULLS
BACK ON interior control room.  FARLEY sitting in executive
chair in front of a wall of monitors.  IMAGES OF TITLES
reading "D.T.V.," "MARRIAGE MAZE," "DENTONVALE,"
"HAPPY HOMES," "DENTON DOSSIER," "FAITH FACTORY" INERSPERSED
ON MONITORS WITH SHOT OF studio activity.  Farley is sitting
at a table flanked by VANCE PARKER standing at attention.
To his right are seated MAC and NATION.  To his left RALPH
and MACY.  Directly opposite him, back to CAMERA, is
BERT SCHNICK.

                                VOICE OVER
                His life was fast.  His friends
                were fast.  Even his food was
                fast...

Parker moves to stairwell exit.

                                VOICE OVER
                But he was still not satisfied...

PULL BACK TO REVEAL control room facade.  A billboard with
"DENTON.  HOME OF HAPPINESS" in neon illuminates a
heart-shaped logo which closes on interior scene.  The control
room and facade are suspended over a studio-audience seating
block.  Parker appears on staircase and proceeds down aisle
to consult with FLOOR MANAGER and crew.  Floor Manager moves
across to dressing rooms adjacent to seating.  He knocks on
doors then proceeds down spiral staircase.

                                VOICE OVER
                He wanted to share his fast
                philosophy with someone else...

Floor Manager crosses behind the studio setup for opening
song with giant Hollywood-epic letters spelling "D-E-N-T-O-N."

                                VOICE OVER
                ...a beautiful girl.

Floor Manager proceeds to Parker now positioned by studio door

                                VOICE OVER
                Trouble was...she was in the
                arms of someone else...

ANGLE ON STUDIO DOORS                                           4

They slide back to reveal awaiting AUDIENCE under a nightscape
of moon and clouds.  DIGITAL TITLES CONTINUE ACROSS BOTTOM
OF FRAME as Audience proceed towards seating block passing
CAMERA in twos and threes, staring INTO LENS like passersby
viewing themselves in shop-window video displays.  As overture
continues we PICK UP ON various elements of studio preparation
-- wardrobe racks being wheeled, cameras setting up shots,
artists readying themselves, lighting adjustments etc.  As
overture concludes Audience have settled and CAMERA HAS
LIGHTED ON title card reading "D.T.V. - COMMUNITY
ANNOUNCEMENT."

DENTON U.S.A.                                                   5

HIGH ANGLE OF "D-E-N-T-O-N" letters against cyc.  CRANE DOWN
TO CLOSEUP of NEELY PRITT in f.g.

                                NEELY
                YOU'LL FIND HAPPY HEARTS
                AND SMILING FACES
                AND TOLERANCE FOR
                THE ETHNIC RACES
                IN DENTON

SHOT OF "D-E" letters.  CUT.  MOM appears in "D" at sewing
machine.  DAD appears clipping hedge in "E."

                                DAD
                YOU'LL FIND A RAMBLING ROSE
                AND A PICKET FENCE

                                MOM
                TENDERNESS AND INNOCENCE
                IN DENTON`

SHOT OF "N" and "T" with Officer Parker in "N."

                                PARKER
                YOU'LL FIND CONFERENCE ROOMS
                AND A CHILDREN'S PLAYGROUND
                DENTON IS A REAL OKAY TOWN
                CIVIC PRIDE AND CIVIC DUTY
                AND DENTON GIRLS ARE

Letter "T" produces TWO CHEERLEADERS.  Parker whistles.

                                PARKER
                FULL OF BEAUTY.

                                CHEERLEADERS
                YOU MAY CALL US THE GOODY GOODY
                TWO SHOES
                BUT WE'RE HERE TO CHEER YOU WITH
                THE GOOD NEWS
                THAT D-E-N-T-O-N
                GETS T-E-N
                THAT'S TEN OUT OF TEN

SHOT OF letters "O" and "N" containing Ralph and Macy.  Ralph
is phoning from "O" while Macy relaxes on "N."

                                RALPH AND MACY
                IF YOU'RE LOOKING FOR A LIFE OF LEISURE
                YOU'RE GONNA GET A WHOLE LOT OF PLEASURE
                AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN
                AND AGAIN

ANGLE ON AUDIENCE                                               6

They are staring at monitors suspended above and SINGING
in unison.

                                AUDIENCE
                DENTON DENTON...YOU'VE GOT NO PRETENTION
                YOU'RE WHERE THE HEART IS...YOU'RE OKAY
                DENTON DENTON...I'D JUST LIKE TO MENTION
                YOU'RE THE HOME OF YOUTH
                YOU'RE AMERICA'S TRUTH

CAMERA CRANES TO billboard facade.

                                AUDIENCE
                YOU'RE DENTON DENTON U.S.A.

ANGLE ON AUDIENCE                                               7

interspersed with:

QUICK SHOTS ON PERCUSSIVE BEAT                                  8

A.  DAD
     clipping and smiling.

B.  MOM
     sewing and smiling.

C.  CHEERLEADERS
     smiling.

D.  RALPH
     phoning and smiling.

E.  MACY
     relaxing and smiling.

                                AUDIENCE
                DENTON DENTON...YOU'VE GOT NO PRETENTION
                YOU'RE WHERE THE HEART IS...YOU'RE OKAY
                DENTON DENTON...I'D JUST LIKE TO MENTION
                YOU'RE THE HOME OF YOUTH
                YOU'RE AMERICA'S TRUTH
                YOU'RE DENTON DENTON U.S.A.

On repeat chorus Audience rises from their seats in patriotic
fervour.  SHOTS OF individual groups accelerate in CUTTING TO
conclude on repetition of CRANE ON "Denton" billboard.

                                AUDIENCE
                DENTON!  DENTON!  YOU'VE GOT NO PRETENTION
                YOU'RE WHERE THE HEART IS!  YOU'RE OKAY!
                DENTON!  DENTON!  I'D JUST LIKE TO MENTION
                YOU'RE THE ACCEPTABLE FACE OF THE HUMAN RACE
                YOU'RE DENTON!  DENTON!...
                DENTON!  U!S!A!

ANGLE ON "DENTON DOSSIER" SET                                   9

The words "DENTON DOSSIER" appear.  CRANE DOWN set TO REVEAL
the compere BETTY HAPSCHATT.  During the following dialogue
PULL BACK TO REVEAL Betty seated behind "Denton Dossier" desk
with her guest -- JUDGE OLVER WRIGHT.  Both have prominent
nameplates on the desk.

                                BETTY
                Well how about that?  Wasn't that
                terrific?  A community anthem
                brought to you by our new sponsor
                Farley Flavors whose new program
                'Faith Factory' premieres on this
                channel tomorrow night.  I, for
                one, can't wait!  Now let's turn
                to our regular in-depth discussion
                with Judge Oliver Wright, Denton's
                leading social scientist.

                                BETTY (Cont.)
                        (addresses him)
                Did you enjoy our anthem
                Judge Wright?

                                OLIVER
                In a way...

                                BETTY
                I detect a note of reticence.
                Are you, perhaps, one of those
                amongst us who feel this
                emotive form of presentation
                is overly manipulative?

                                OLIVER
                Well, Betty, there are many
                ways that the spider may catch
                the fly...

ANGLE ON AUDIENCE                                               10

Neely Pritt is documenting their response.  She breaks off
to talk to two old friends -- BRAD and JANET MAJORS.  Rest
of the Audience stare blankly at monitors.

                                OLIVER
                        (voice over)
                Monetary inducements.

                                NEELY
                Hi Brad!  Hi Janet!  Come for
                the Marriage Maze?

                                OLIVER
                        (voice over)
                Seduction.

Brad and Janet nod.

                                NEELY
                I'm exhausted working on this
documentary about Farley's new
show.

Janet looks puzzled.  Neely explains:

                                NEELY
                Farley Flavors!  Our new
                sponsor.
                        (makes "hot"
                        gesture)
                Wheeew!

                                OLIVER
                        (voice over)
                Prejudice.

                                NEELY
                        (confiding)
                I tell you, Janet, that guy's
                as close as we'll come to a
                successful man in this town.

Brad looks uncomfortable.

                                OLIVER
                        (voice over)
                Lies!

Janet smiles enigmatically.

COMMERCIAL FOR FARLEY FLAVORS FABULOUS FAST FOOD                11

Red, white and blue logo for Farley Flavors surrounding
blackboard, KIDS and Teacher (played by Macy).

                                TEACHER
                Let's hear the five 'F's' for
                today.  F for...

                                KIDS
                Farley!

                                TEACHER
                F for...

                                KIDS
                Flavors!

                                TEACHER
                F for...

                                KIDS
                Fabulous!

                                TEACHER
                F for...

                                KIDS
                Fast!

                                TEACHER
                F for...

                                KIDS
                Foods!

Cheers, hysteria etc.  Kids run to blackboard as CAMERA TILTS
DOWN ON logo.

                                VOICE OVER
                First and foremost Farley Flavors
                Fabulous Fast Foods feed and
                fortify families for a fabulous
                future!

Logo spins (OPTICAL).

ANGLE ON "MARRIAGE MAZE" SET                                    12

Oliver and Betty crossing studio from "Denton Dossier" set.
In the b.g. preparations are underway for the "Marriage Maze."
Activity and Floor Manager banter.  ("Hurry it up.  Bert's
entrance will be on camera two, etc.")

                                BETTY
                Thank you so much, Judge Wright,
                for another wonderful interview.

                                OLIVER
                Judge Wright?  Now, Betty?
                First name terms, surely!

                                BETTY
                        (charmed)
                Oh, Oliver, you're so tolerant.
                Time for a coffee before you
                rush off?

                                OLIVER
                Delighted, Betty -- That is if
                you don't mind being seen with
                an older man.

                                BETTY
                Why, Oliver, since Ralph and I
                separated maturity is something
                I look for in a man.

Neely appears.

                                NEELY
                        (enthused)
                Hi, Betty!

                                BETTY
                        (less enthused)
                Hello, Neely.

                                NEELY
                You keep up that high standard
                of interview and I'll have to
                include you in Farley's
                documentary.  You were so...
                probing!

Neely passes on -- Betty grits her teeth --

                                OLIVER
                A free thinker.

                                BETTY
                Everything's free there.

                                FLOOR MANAGER
                Stand by -- Quiet please --
                Cue intro -- Cue Bert -- three
                seconds --

We heard a drum roll.

                                VOICE OVER
                And here, to bring you your just
                desserts and a recipe for a
                perfect marriage, is that
                gorgeous gourmet, tossing the
                uproarious salad of life,
                counselor Bert Schnick!

Applause.  Fanfare.  Bert appears with sunglasses and a cane.
He's blind.  The "Marriage Maze" has three entrances,
"Happy Home," "Home Base," "Rest Home."  In front is a
contestant podium with central placement for Bert and, either
side, seats marked "Him" and "Her."

                                BERT
                Sank you -- Velcome -- Sank
                you!  Before ve shstart I vant
                to say vun or two vurds aboud
                tomorrow night's big new show
                'Faith Factory' -- unt -- oh
                yah -- we hef ze host unt hiss
                lofley co-host right here in ze
                audience -- giff a bick hend
                -- to Ralph Hepshett unt ze
                vivacious Mazy Struthers --
                Let's get a camera over zere --

We SEE Ralph and Macy in the Audience.  They half-stand and
wave self-consciously.  (Here we discontinue phonetics in Bert's 
accent.)

                                BERT
                Loved the commercial, Macy!

                                MACY
                Thanks, Bert!

                                BERT
                You got a good show for us
                tomorrow, Ralph?

                                RALPH
                You bet, Bert.

                                BERT
                Good!  I'm gonna be there.

Betty shoots a jealous look at her ex-husband Ralph.

                                BETTY
                Macy Struthers -- God I must
                have been blind -- still, the
                weaker the man, the dumber the
                blonde.

                                OLIVER
                Isn't that Brad and Janet Majors
                sitting down front?  What an
                ideal couple.

We SEE Brad and Janet sitting together.

                                OLIVER
                        (voice over)
                More than anyone else in Denton
                they represent the old values.

CUT BACK TO Oliver and Betty.

                                OLIVER
                        (not without irony)
                Eisenhower would have been
                proud of them.

CUT TO Bert who seems to be receiving instructions from a
small earplug.

                                BERT
                So would the first couple who
                seem to have made a hash of
                their marriage and cooked their
                goose step this way please.

He points to a surprised Brad and Janet.

                                JANET
                That's us.

                                BRAD
                I don't want to get up there.

                                JANET
                We've got to, Brad, everyone's
                watching.

                                BERT
                What's cooking down there?
                Come up here and let's feel you!

Indulgent laughter at "blind" joke.
CUT TO Oliver and Betty who register astonishment.
CUT TO Brad and Janet taking their "Him" and "Her" places.

                                BERT
                That's it -- Look at the camera --

INT. CONTROL ROOM                                               13

Farley's chair swivelled to face monitors.  A WALL of Brad
and Janet IMAGES.

                                BERT
                        (voice over)
                Introduce yourselves.

                                JANET
                        (voice over)
                I'm Janet Majors and this is
                my husband Brad.

Farley SWIVELS INTO CLOSEUP.

"MARRIAGE MAZE"                                                 14

                                BERT
                We've been hearing some bad
                things about you, Brad.

                                JANET
                He needs help.

CUT TO a concerned Oliver and Betty.

                                BERT
                        (voice over)
                Face it, Janet!  Brad's an
                emotional cripple.

Audience roar with laughter.

                                JANET
                I know, I know, it's just...

                                BERT
                Looks like 'Rest Home' for this
                marriage.

SHOT OF "REST HOME" lights flickering.  Applause.

                                BERT
                Do you watch 'Dentonvale,'
                Janet?

                                JANET
                I've caught it once or twice.

                                BERT
                Of course!  D.T.V.'s most popular
                Hospital series featuring those
                perennial favorites, Cosmo and
                Nation McKinley.
                Neuro-specialists par excellence
                ...if you'll pardon my French.
                I recommend you send Brad to
                them for treatment!

Oliver and Betty can't believe it.

                                JANET
                I know he's boring but...
                Neuro-specialists!  That sounds
                pretty drastic.

                                BERT
                It's no use pussyfooting around,
                Janet -- we have to cut quick
                and deep.

                                OLIVER
                        (as if he has
                        heard the name
                        before)
                McKinley?...McKinley?

                                BETTY
                Bert brought them over from
                Europe.  They had a very
                popular series together.  It's
                still rerun in a lot of
                countries.  You must have seen
                them in 'Dentonvale?'


                                OLIVER
                Never watch it.

                                BERT
                There's no use delaying another
                moment.

Floor Manager holds a card, reading "DENTONVALE," up to cue
Audience.

                                BERT
                I'm afraid there's only one
                solution.  Tell them, Folks.
                One, two, three...

                                AUDIENCE
                        (shout)
                DENTONVALE!!!

                                BERT
                        (to camera)
                Don't go away.  We'll be right
                back to see if Brad and Janet
                want to play or pass...

Shocked look from Betty.  Oliver glances suspiciously towards
control room.

BILLBOARD                                                       15

SHADOW of Farley on heart.

INT.  "MARRIAGE MAZE" SET                                       16

Commercial break.  Technicians make adjustments.  Bert pats
Janet's shoulder.

                                BERT
                Congratulations!  I think your're
                making a wise decision.

Bert moves o.s.

                                JANET
                But...

He's gone.

                                BRAD
                I'm not going, Janet.

                                JANET
                        (trapped)
                What are you trying to do?  Make
                Bert look like a fool?  He's made all
                the arrangements.

                                BRAD
                But I don't need treadment.

Brad knocks over Bert's water jug.

                                BERT
                        (o.s.)
                You need glasses, Brad!

Laughter.

                                JANET
                        (furious)
                I'm sick of being humiliated
                by you!  Bert's right!  You're
                going!

Floor Manager wheels in monitor running commercial.

"BITCHIN' IN THE KITCHEN"                                       17

The commercial FEATURES product SHOTS.

A.      HAND
   presses button on blender.  It blends.

B.      HAND
   takes toast from pop-up toaster.

C.      HAND
   opens refrigerator groaning with food.

D.      HAND
   takes knife from drawer and sharpens blade.

E.      FOOT
   pedals trash can.

F.      PERCOLATOR
   bubbles.

G.      DIGITAL CLOCK RADIO
   computes.

H.      HAND
opens shower curtain on steam.

I.      HAND
   squeezes toothpaste.

J.      HAND
   runs silk scarf down leg.

ANGLE ON CONTESTANTS' AREA                                      18

Brad and Janet stare at monitor with glazed expressions.
This INTERCUTS WITH monitor SHOTS.

                                BRAD
                DEAR BLENDER?  OH WON'T YOU HELP
                A FIRST OFFENDER
                OH TOASTER?  DON'T YOU PUT THE
                BURN ON ME...
                RE-FRIGE-ERATOR WHY ARE WE
                ALWAYS SOONER OR LATER
                BITCHIN' IN THE KITCHEN OR CRYING
                IN THE BEDROOM ALL NIGHT.
                DEAR KNIFE DRAWER, WON'T YOU
                HELP ME TO FACE LIFE MORE...
                OH TRASH CAN, DON'T YOU PUT THE
                DIRT ON ME
                OH PERC-O-LATOR WHY ARE WE ALWAYS
                SOONER OR LATER...
                BITCHIN' IN THE KITCHEN OR CRYING
                IN THE BEDROOM AL NIGHT.

D.T.V. CAMERA WIPES FRAME as we PAN TO Janet.

                                JANET
                EVERYTHING USED TO BE OKAY
                BUT I'VE BEEN HAD
                AND BRAD I'M GLAD TO SAY
                IS ON HIS WAY.
                MICRO-DIGITAL AWAKER
                WHY ARE WE ALWAYS SOONER OR
                LATER
                BITCHIN' IN THE KITCHEN OR
                CRYING IN THE BEDROOM ALL NIGHT.

                SHOWER CURTAIN
                WON'T YOU HELP ME TO BE CERTAIN
                OH TOOTHPASTE
                DON'T YOU PUT THE SQUEEZE ON ME
                DE-PIL-A-TATOR
                WHY ARE WE ALWAYS SOONER OR
                LATER
                BITCHIN' IN THE KITCHEN OR
                CRYING IN TH BEDROOM ALL NIGHT.

ANGLE ON "MARRIAGE MAZE" ENTRANCE                               19

Bert stands by "REST HOME."  A Male Nurse (RICKY) appears
with wheelchair.

                                BERT
                Hey, Folks!  It's Ricky from
                the Rest Home.

Applause.

                                BERT
                What do you say, Ricky?

Ricky wheels to Brad and Janet.

                                RICKY
                        (brightly)
                I've come for Mr. Majors,
                Ma'am.

Janet helps Brad to chair.

                                RICKY
                Nothing serious I hope?

                                JANET
                No.  Just a routine checkup.

                                BERT
                        (to Audience)
                Just a routine checkup,
                Folks!

Laughter from Audience.

Janet turns to CAMERA.

                                JANET
                TELL ME, SPECTATOR
                WHY ARE WE ALWAYS SOONER
                OR LATER
                BITCHIN' IN THE KITCHEN OR
                CRYING IN THE BEDROOM ALL NIGHT.

Wheelchair DISAPPEARS down "REST HOME" Avenue.  Audience
applaud.  CAMERA CRANES UP TO SHADOW OF Farley behind
billboard heart.  Bert is o.s. with headset.

                                BERT
                The subject is committed.  As
                are we all.

TITLE - "DENTONVALE"                                            20

                                VOICE OVER
                This week's special guests
                are Brad and Janet Majors in
                tonight's episode.
                'The Arrival.'

INT. "DENTONVALE" OFFICE                                        21

White Room.  Mac and Nation behind twin desk.  Filing
cabinets encircle them.  Double doors opposite them fly open
and Janet, Ricky and Brad enter.  Cosmo (Mac) McKinley rises
to greet them.

                                MAC
                Ah.  Mr. And Mrs. Majors.  How
                wonderful to see you.  I am
                Dr. Cosmo McKinley and this is
                my sister, and colleague,
                Nation McKinley.

                                NATION
                We understand you've been going
                through a rather trying time.

                                JANET
                Well yes, but...

Brad leaps out of wheelchair.

                                BRAD
                Listen!  There's nothing wrong
                with me... It's just that Janet
                and I haven't...

Ricky hypos him -- as he drops, he kicks the wheelchair under
him.

                                MAC
                        (to Janet)
                Does he do that often?

Stunned, she doesn't know Ricky hit him with the hypo.

                                JANET
                No!  He's never done that before.

                                MAC
                Good!  Well there's still hope.
                Lots of hope.

Ricky straightens Brad in wheelchair.

                                NATION
                        (softly)
                If anyone can help Brad.  We can.

Mac nods to Ricky who leaves.

                                JANET
                Well, he needs help.

NURSE ANSALONG runs in -- colliding with the departing Ricky.

                                MAC
                Ah.  Nurse Ansalong - you're
                here.

Ricky continues on his way.

                                ANSALONG
                        (adjusting uniform)
                Well it was pretty short notice
                but I...

                                NATION
                ATTEND to Mr. Majors, Nurse.

Ansalong adjusts wheelchair and herself.

                                MAC
                There are just one or two
                formalities that have to be
                dealt with, Mrs. Majors.
                There are contracts to be signed...

But Ansalong has started to wheel Brad away -- Janet wants to
follow.  Nation grabs the contract and glances at it.

                                JANET
                Could I do that later?

                                NATION
                Of course.

Janet follows Brad -- Mac grabs the contract back and chases
after them.

INT. CORRIDORS                                                  22

Ansalong wheels Brad.  Janet keeps up.  Mac appears behind
them.

                                ANSALONG
                        (sotto voce)
                Sign the contract tomorrow...

Mac catches up.

                                MAC
                        (with papers)
                Just one or two details.  Does
                he have any living relatives?
                Blood relatives?

                                JANET
                No...couldn't I do this later?

Nation catches up with them.

                                NATION
                Of course.

Nation restrains Mac.  Ansalong continues with Brad in
wheelchair and Janet trying to keep up.

                                JANET
                        (to Ansalong)
                Why did you tell me not to sign
                now?

The wheelchair is pushed through double doors at the end of
the corridor.  Janet follows.  CAMERA TILTS UP TO neon above
door reading "TERMINAL WARD."

                                ANSALONG
                        (distant voice)
                Well this way, you get the first
                day free.

"MARRIAGE MAZE"                                                 23

Janet's parents in "Him" and "Her" places.  Bert in full swing.

                                MOM
                About Brad's family?

                                BERT
                As Janet's parents this should be
                really easy.  Your last clue...
                Mental Instability.  You have
                thirty seconds.

Digital timer SUPERIMPOSED.

                                DAD
                        (puzzling)
                Mental instability?

                                MOM
                He was adopted you know.

                                DAD
                I'd forgotten.

                                MOM
                Well I hadn't.  I was worried
                about inherited craziness when
                they married.  I said to Janet
                'What do we know of his parents?'

                                BERT
                Which leads us to...?

Audience tense.  Seconds click.  Dad shakes head.

                                MOM
                Infantile regression?

Bells ring.  Wild applause.

                                BERT
                You got it!

                                MOM
                I got it!  I got it!!!

                                BERT
                Congratulations!  It's 'Happy Homes'
                for Harry and Emily Weiss of
                Denton.

Janet's Mom dissolves into tears as they are led down
"Happy Homes" avenue.

INT. CONTROL ROOM                                               24

Farley watching IMAGES of Brad's ward on monitors.

INT. TERMINAL WARD - "IN MY OWN WAY"                            25

Brad's wheelchair is parked in a circular cage.  Janet circles
around it.

                                JANET
                IF ONLY YOU KNEW
                HOW TO WIN SOME PRIZES
                IF ONLY YOU KNEW -- HOW TO PLAY
                IF YOU COULD SLEEP NIGHTS
                AND STOP YOUR CRYING
                YOU MIGHT FIND OUT I STILL LOVE YOU
                IN MY OWN WAY

INT. CORRIDORS                                                  26

Janet leaves ward.  Proceeds around corridors until she reaches
"HOME BASE."

                                JANET
                IF THAT'S NOT ENOUGH THEN I'M
                SO SORRY I MET YOU
                IT WAS ALMOST LIKE LEADING YOU ON
                BUT THERE'S MORE TO IT ALL
                THEN JUST WRINGING YOUR HEART OUT
                OVER SOMEETHING THAT KEEPS ON GOING WRONG
                SO DON'T TELL ME YOU LOVE ME
                HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS

Janet has arrived at "DEAD END."

                                JANET
                NO DON'T SELL EMOTION
                YOU CAN'T BUY DEVOTION
                WHEN YOU'RE FALLING APART AT THE SEAMS

Janet turns around and continues her journey, returning along
"Home Base" and turning down "Happy Homes".

                                JANET
                I HOPE THAT YOU'LL SMILE
                WHEN YOU REACH YOUR CONCLUSION
                I HOPE THAT YOU'LL KNOW JUST WHAT TO SAY
                BUT IF IT SHOULD MEAN THAT THE PARTY IS OVER
                YOU SHOULD KNOW THAT I STILL LVOE YOU
                YOU SHOULD KNOW THAT I STLL LOVE YOU
                IN MY OWN WAY

Janet has arrived at a door ending the corridor.  Mom appears
through door holding (behind her back) a dress.

                                MOM
                Oh my poor baby.

                                JANET
                Oh.  Mom.  It's Brad.

                                MOM
                I know.

They hug, Mom only using one arm.

                                MOM
                I know baby.  He's going to get
                all the help he needs but in
                the meantime -- Look!!!  For you.

She pulls out the dress and savagely bites off a piece of
cotton after which she thrusts the dress towards Janet.  Holding
it by the shoulders, she lets it drop and we SEE it's a replica
of the one she herself is wearing -- a red Chinese "Cheong Sam."

                                MOM
                They call it a new look at an
                old favourite I copied it from the
                'Window on the World' show.  The
                Far East meets the Mid-West!

                                JANET
                It's...

                                MOM
                Just what the Doctor ordered.  I
                know.  Come on in, my favourite
                show's just started.

                                JANET
                        (confused)
                What show?

Mom drags Janet inside.

                                MOM
                'Dentonvale.'

Door shuts.

INT. "DENTONVALE" OFFICE                                        27

Cosmo (Mac) is filing.  Nation behind desk is viewing a
television set placed on a hospital trolley.  Bert is in the
guest chair.  Nation is viewing Janet's Mom on "Marriage Maze."

                                MOM
                        (voice over)
                Infantile regression.

                                BERT
                        (voice over)
                You got it!

                                MOM
                I got it!  I got it!!!

Nation switches off television.

                                NATION
                Our speciality.

                                MAC
                I can't wait to begin on him.
                Really, Bert, I don't know what
                we'd do without you!

                                BERT
                Well I confess the decision to
                have Brad committed was not
                strictly my own.

Nation looks secretive.

                                MAC
                Of course, Mrs. Majors -- Janet --
                But I'm puzzled.  If she was so
                keen on getting him in here, why
                wouldn't she sign the contract?

                                BERT
                No it wasn't Janet -- exactly --
                It was, in fact, your new sponsor.

                                MAC
                SPONSOR!!!

                                BERT
                Dentonvale has been sold.

                                MAC
                SOLD??!!

                                NATION
                Dear old Bert's settled everything.

                                BERT
                Jah -- you endorse his product --
                He endorses your research.

                                MAC
                HE!!??  How dare this person take
                advantage of my weakness.

                                NATION
                        (with a secret
                        smile)
                I don't think he intends to go
                that far.

TITLE - "HAPPY HOMES"                                           28

TV IMAGE - BOILING JUG                                          29

ANGLE ON "HAPPY HOMES" SET                                      30

Dream kitchen.  Dad practices golf with a "Putter."  Janet look
depressed in her, now inappropriate, dress.  Mom boils a jug.
SCENE BEGINS WITH TV IMAGE OF boiling jug.  We PULL BACK as
Mom echoes action.  She makes coffee.  Throughout a VOICE OVER
from TV (Mac and Nation's voices) plays AGAINST the SCENE.
Mom appraises Janet in the dress.

                                JANET
                Poor Brad.

                                MOM
                Thank God he was born an orphan.
                It would have killed his parents.

                                TV
                        (voice over)
                'THANK GOODNESS'

                                MOM
                And thank goodness he hasn't
                ended up like the Slepstrini boy.

                                DAD
                What are you talking about?
                Danny Slepstrini is a chip off
                the old block.  I played 18 holes
                of golf with his father just
                last week.  And Hank says Danny's
                moved to New York.
                        (pause)
                To better himself.

                                MOM
                He moved all right!  When they found
                him with fifteen other naked men
                at the back of Wilson's Bakery.

Dad's mouth starts opening and closing.

                                JANET
                        (quietly)
                Mexicans.

Dad makes for the door.

                                DAD
                I'm going to catch up on a few
                jobs that need doing outside.

He leaves.  Blushing scarlet.

                                MOM
                        (to Janet)
                You shouldn't have said that.

                                JANET
                Why?

                                MOM
                Your father doesn't like Mexicans.

THANK GOD I'M A MAN                                             31

Dream garage and lawn.  Garage door tilts up.  Dad revs mower
and proceeds to mow down a strip of lawn lined by columns
trimmed in ivy.

                                DAD
                A MAN SHOULD CALL THE TOSS...WEAR THE PANTS AND
                BE THE BOSS
                A MAN SHOULD BE THE DRAKE FOR HIS OWN DAMNED SAKE...
                AND MEN SHOULD BE THE MISTERS AND MASTERS OF THEIR
                SISTERS
                AND MEN SHOULD BE THE REASON FOR A HEART TO BREAK

ANGLE ON AUDIENCE                                               32

A trio of REDNECKS leap and whoop.

ANGLE ON LAWN                                                   33

Dad continues mowing.

                                DAD
                A MAN SHOULD CUT THE LAWN...CHANGE A TYRE...
                MEND THE WORN
                A MAN SHOULD NEVER WAIT TO OIL A RUSTING GATE
                MEN SHOULD HOLD THE KEY POSITIONS IN OUR COUNTRY'S
                GREAT TRADITIONS
                A MAN SHOULD PUT THE FOOD UPON THE FAMILY PLATE.

ANGLE ON AUDIENCE                                               34

A TRIO OF SOLDIERS.

                                SOLDIERS
                SO BE MORAL
                DON'T QUARREL
                FAIR AND SQUARE IS BEST

A TRIO OF PARTRIOTIC WIVES.

                                WIVES
                LET ME ALERT YOU
                THAT VIRTUE
                WON'T HURT YOU
                OR DESERT YOU

                                REDNECKS
                IF YOU WEAR HAIR ON YOUR CHEST.

                                AUDIENCE
                SO ALWAYS REMEMBER TO FOLLOW THE RULES

                                SOLDIERS
                BOX CLEVER

                                REDNECKS
                AND JOCKS NEVER

ANGLE ON DREAM LAWN                                             35

                                DAD
                Hock another jock's tools...

Dad gives mower another rev and starts mowing around columns
at an increasing pace.

                                DAD
                A MAN SHOULD WAX A CAR...FIX A FUSE AND TEND A BAR
                A MAN SHOULD LIKE HIS BROW TO BE WET WITH SWEAT...
                MEN SHOULD KNOW THE RIGHT OCCASIONS TO INDULGE IN
                TAX EVASIONS
                A MAN SHOULD KNOW THE SETTINGS THAT HIS SPARKING
                PLUGS GET...
                        (arrives back in
                        garage -- exhausted)
                FAGGOTS ARE MAGGOTS
                        (mops brow)
                THANK GOD I'M A MAN

Door tilts closed.

ANGLE ON WARDROBE AREA                                          36

Vance gets coffee from catering trolley run by Kirk Idle.
Crosses studio to maze entrance just as Janet is rushing from
"Happy Home" to "Rest Home."

                                PARKER
                Hey!  What are you trying to
                do?  Get yourself committed?

                                JANET
                I'm sorry, Officer.

                                PARKER
                        (looks both ways)
                Vance!  Vance Parker.

                                JANET
                Janet.  Janet Majors.  It's just
                that Brad...my husband...is not...
                very well and...
                        (tears)
                I don't want to miss the next
                episode of Dentonvale.

                                PARKER
                Dentonvale...say, that's for...
                        (goes to tap head,
                        turns in into a
                        scratch)
                I'm sorry to hear that, Janet.
                        (secretly pleased
                        but can't show it)
                Look I'm going to let you through,
                but keep it to yourself,
                otherwise...

                                JANET
                Thanks Officer Park...Vance.

                                PARKER
                Don't worry, Janet.  Brad'll
                probably get just what he needs.

Janet proceeds.  Vance returns to his coffee but is intercepted
by Ralph Hapschatt.  Vance passes envelope to Ralph in a
furtive manner.

INT.  "DENTON DOSSIER"  OFFICE                                  37

Adjacent to their set Oliver and Betty work in an office
overlooking the studio floor.  They are in deep discussion as
they drink their coffee.

                                BETTY
                Conspiracy?  That sounds a little
                farfetched.

                                OLIVER
                It's happened before.  Remember
                Lieutenant Orpheus?  He
                disappeared into that Underworld
                series and never came back.

                                BETTY
                Sounds like my husband.  He never
                came back either.  At least not
                after Flavors gave him a commercial
                break.

                                OLIVER
                Ah yes.  Farley Flavors.  You know,
                I find it...

Ralph is seen approaching through glass door.

                                OLIVER
                ...remarkable that his 'Faith Factory'
                is being financed by an entire
                nation's indigestion.

Ralph knocks.  Enters.

                                RALPH
                Oh.  Ah, I'm not calling at an
                inconvenient moment am I?

                                BETTY
                        (icy)
                Not at all.  You have your life.
                        (look to Oliver)
                And I have mine.

                                RALPH
                Yeah, well.  Here, Betty.
                        (hands envelope)
                I just came to give you this.

Betty grabs envelope as Macy appears by Ralph's side.

                                RALPH
                I better get going.  Tomorrow's
                the big one, and, well, Farley
                expects!

                                OLIVER
                        (wry smile)
                Of course.

Betty opens door.

                                RALPH
                        (backing out)
                I'll leave you young things to it.

                                BETTY
                        (whisper)
                Shove it, Ralph!

                                RALPH
                        (hisses back)
                You too, Betty!

Door slams.  Betty tears open envelope.

                                BETTY
                Alimony is just another word
                for rape!

She stops on discovering the contents.  Their notice of
dismissal.

                                BETTY
                Conspiracy is right.  The
                Denton Dossier is...

                                OLIVER
                ...closed?

Betty nods.

INT. CONTROL ROOM                                               38

Farley views monitors showing Brad's cage with Ansalong feeding
him through the bars.

INT. "DENTONVALE" - DINING ROOM                                 39

Mac and Nation dining with their guest Bert Schnick.  Bert
bangs table.

                                BERT
                What a meal!  I insist on the
                recipe.

Ansalong arrives to clear the table.

                                NATION
                Coming from a gourmet that's
                praise indeed.  But.  No
                secrets!

Ricky enters with TV Trolley.

                                MAC
                        (sulking)
                With Fast Food Farley at the
                helm it'll be TV dinners
                from now on.

                                BERT
                Farley is already a TV winner
                as we shall see.  Dentonvile
                will run forever now that his
                interest has embraced mental
                hygiene.

                                NATION
                        (to enthuse Mac)
                Our field.

                                MAC
                What does he know about it?

                                BERT
                Who do you think gave you the
                next episode?

Scotty presents script marked "The Brad and Janet Show."

                                BERT
                So that Janet would be free
                to front line his 'Faith Factory.'

Nation peruses script.

                                MAC
                We're the experts.

                                BERT
                Who trusts experts?

                                NATION
                How did you come by this
scenario?

                                BERT
                I am in Farley's employ --
                and...
                        (pause)
                ...we're discussing a network
                deal.

                                NATION
                Why Janet?

                                BERT
                Everyone loves the girl next
                door, particularly Farley.

                                NATION
                So it seems.

TITLE - "DENTONVALE"                                            40

                                VOICE OVER
                Tonight's episode.  'Janet's Dilemma"

INT. "DENTONVALE" - DINING ROOM                                 41

Janet arrives.

                                MAC AND NATION
                Janet!!

                                JANET
                I've come to see Brad.

                                NATION
                That's out of the question, he's
                sleeping like a baby.

We hear a distant scream.  Mac and Nation commence a quick
interrogation to unnerve Janet.

                                MAC
                It's you we're concerned about,
                Janet.

                                NATION
                Yes how are you, Janet?  Are you
                happy?

                                JANET
                I'm...happy.

                                MAC
                There are countless people in
                this world who believe they're
                happy.

                                NATION
                But they only think they're
                happy.

                                JANET
                        (impatient)
                That doesn't make sense.

Ricky has switched on television.

                                BERT
                        (indicating television)
                This might, Janet.

TV                                                              42

Video flickers to life with a glamorous "Movie Star" image of
FARLEY FLAVORS.  Suave in tuxedo, a carnation glistens in his
lapel.  He looks uncannily like a sophisticated fast-talking
version of Brad.

                                FARLEY
                        (voice over)
                A BIG DENTON WELCOME TO MY NEW DELEGATION
                THIS IS FARLEY -- I'M HERE WITH THE SCORE
                WE'RE GONNA' PACKAGE AND SELL SOME MENTAL
                HEALTH TO THE NATION
                WITH MY DREAM OF THE GIRL NEXT DOOR.

INT. "DENTONVALE" - DINING ROOM                                 43

Janet looks interested.

TV                                                              44

"Movie Star" image animates into song.

                                FARLEY
                        (sings)
                OH WHY AREN'T THEY DOING TOMORROW'S NEW DANCE STEP
                THEY WAY THEY USED TO YESTERDAY?
                AN' WHO DRAWS THE PERFECT CIRCLE ANYMORE?
                IF YOU'RE WAITING FOR GREATNESS TO SHAKE HANDS WITH
                YOU
                YOU'D BETTER DAYDREAM YOUR LIFE AWAY
                I'VE ONLY WANTED ONE THING AND THAT'S FOR SURE.

INT. "DENTONVALE" - DINING ROOM                                 45

Ansalong, Ricky, Mac and Nation leap in front of the screen.

                                QUARTET
                YOU'RE NOT JUST LOOKING AT A BIG BUCK KING
                JUST ANOTHER WELL-KNOWN FACE
                YOU'RE NOT LOOKING AT THE KING OF ANYTHING

                                FARLEY
                I'M GONNA SHOOT FOR THE MOON
                AND PLAY HIGH NOON
                I'M GONNA TAKE ON THE ENTIRE HUMAN RACE

                                QUARTET
                YOU'RE NOT LOOKING AT A KING.

                                FARLEY
                YOU'RE LOOKING AT AN ACE.

TV                                                              46

                                FARLEY
                OOHH I GOT SIGHT AN' I'VE SEEN THE LIGHT
                AN' I'M GONNA SEE THE COMING DAY
                WHEN THE SUN IN THE SKY IS A SPOTLIGHT JUST FOR ME
                I'M GONNA TAKE MY TIME AN' ROCK SOME RHYME
                THAT'S GONNA TAKE YOUR BREATH AWAY
                I'LL BE THE FRONT PAGE RAGE OF THE AGE JUST WAIT AN'
                SEE

INT. "DENTONVALE" - DINING ROOM                                 47

During this we SEE Janet's enthusiastic reactions.  The
Quartet repeat their back-up to Farley.  Bert nods
approvingly.

                                FARLEY AND QUARTET
                YOU'RE NOT JUST LOOKING AT A BIG BUCK KING
                JUST ANOTHER WELL-KNOWN FACE
                YOU'RE NOT LOOKING AT THE KING OF ANYTHING

                                FARLEY
                I'M GONNA SHOOT FOR THE MOON
                AND PLAY HIGH NOON
                I'M GONNA TAKE ON THE ENTIRE HUMAN RACE
                YOU'RE NOT LOOKING AT A KING
                YOU'RE LOOKING AT AN ACE.

TV                                                              48

Last line repeats as Farley seems to step OUT OF SCREEN and
take Janet in his arms ending in a clinch that vanishes with
the last chord.

INT. "DENTONVALE" - DINING ROOM                                 49

                                NATION
                        (to Janet)
                I love home movies, don't you?

Janet is transfixed by the image of Farley.

TV                                                              50

Final VOICE OVER OVER Farley's FROZEN IMAGE.

                                FARLEY
                        (voice over)
                TIME IS TIGHT JANET
                DO IT RIGHT JANET
                UNTIL TOMORROW NIGHT, JANET.

INT. "DENTONVALE" - DINING ROOM                                 51

Ricky switches off TV

                                JANET
                I won't be a party to this.  I
                want to see Brad.

                                NATION
                The question is, does Brad want
                to see you?  Quite frankly, he
                hates you.

                                JANET
                        (horrified)
                What do you mean?

                                MAC
                        (softer approach)
                Brad has deep feelings of
                hostility towards you.

                                JANET
                Me?

                                MAC
                It's classical.  Almost a textbook
                case...

Janet cries.

                                MAC
                That's an extremely negative
                response.

                                NATION
                Yes, Janet.  Leave the crying
                to Brad.

                                JANET
                        (through tears)
                Is it because I'm becoming
                too popular?

                                BERT
                On the contrary.  He wants to see
                your ratings soar.  He needs a
                woman of exceptional desirability.

                                NATION
                So you see, Janet, you can help us
                to help him.

Janet's look reveals the persuasion is working.

INT. "DENTONVALE" - BRAD'S CELL                                 52

Brad sits bewildered in his cage.

INT. "DENTON DOSSIER" - OFFICE                                  53

Oliver assists Betty pack up.

                                BETTY
                I bet that Macy Struthers had a
                hand in this.  We'll probably be
                replaced by an hour of fashion tips!

                                OLIVER
                Now Betty, don't overreact.

                                BETTY
                Overreact!  You're the one with
                theories about conspirac...
                   (looks thoughtful, then pleased)
                Oliver?

                                OLIVER
                Yes, Betty.

                                BETTY
                Are you spoken for this evening?

Oliver looks non-plussed.

INT. "DENTONVALE" - DINING ROOM                                 54

They have their campaign schedules with "F.F." Logos.  They
each have "personal attainments" sheets as well.  They try
to steal looks at each other's sheets while jealously
guarding their own.  We GLIMPSE Mac's sheet and SEE
"The Look."

                                BERT
                Right!  An early start with Janet's
                debut on 'Good Morning Denton.'
                By the time we unveil Farley's
                'Faith Factory' we will have earned
                our beauty sleep.

                                JANET
                Can I just 'peep in' on Brad
                before I go home?

                                BERT
                Home?

                                NATION
                This is the nerve center of
                operations, Janet.  You must
                stay here tonight.
                        (rings buzzer)
                That way we can all be here when
                Mr. Sun paints us a new day with
                his golden brush.

                                MAC
                And you can 'peep in' on Brad in
                the morning.

Ansalong appears.

                                NATION
                Are all the beds made up?

                                ANSALONG
                Yep.

                                MAC
                Then have Ricky lock up for the
                night.

GANTRY OVERLOOKING "DENTONVALE" SET                             55

Oliver and Betty survey Dentonvale below.

                                OLIVER
                Clever of you to find this spot,
                Betty.

                                BETTY
                It pays to know your way around,
                Oliver.

They survey the set below.

                                OLIVER
                        (quoting "Kubla Khan")
                A 'stately pleasure home' indeed.

                                BETTY
                Oh I adore Coleridge Taylor.  As
                a matter of fact...

Betty rummages in handbag and produces battered volume of
poems.  She starts to quote
"The Rhyme of the Ancient Mariner."

                                BETTY
                'IT IS AN ANCIENT MARINER
                AND HE STOPPETH ONE OF THREE
                BY THE LONG GREY BEARD AND GLITTEREING EYE
                NOW WHEREFORE STOPP'ST THOU ME'

Oliver looks a little uneasy.

INT. "DENTONVALE" - DORMITORY                                   56

CAMERA TRACKS BACK AND FORTH ALONG lighted windows in black
wall.  Each room has bed and venetian blinds.  Characters
move between the two.  The opening and closing of blinds
should sometimes give the impression of lines on a television
image.

                        SONG - LULLABY

                                NATION
                I FEEL THE HEAT FROM YOUR SKIN
                AND THE STUBBLE ON YOUR CHIN
                YOU'RE NO GOOD

                                MAC
                YOU'RE NO GOOD

They kiss.

                                NATION
                YOU'VE GOT DIRT ON YOUR HANDS
                AND EVERYBODY UNDERSTANDS
                YOU'RE NO GOOD

                                MAC
                YOU'RE NO GOOD

Mac gets into bed.  Nation remains smoking.

                                NATION
                WHAT A JOKE...

                                MAC
                WHAT A JOKE...

                                NATION
                YOU FEL LIKE CHOKING
                YOU PLAY FOR BROKE...

                                MAC
                YOU PLAY FOR BROKE...

                                NATION
                HE LEAVES YOU SMOKING...

                                MAC
                OH ROMANCE IS NOT A CHILDREN'S GAME...

                                NATION
                YOU KEEP GOING BACK
                IT'S DRIVING YOU INSANE

We TRACK ALONG PAST Bert's room TO Janet's room.  Janet is
listless on bed, trying to sleep.

                                JANET
                DRIFT INTO THE TREACLE DEEP
                SLIP INTO IS SILENT DEPTHS - GO TO SLEEP
                WITH YOUR EVERYTHING AKIMBO
                FLOAT INTO THE SANDMAN'S LIMBO

CONTINUES TRACKING TO Ricky and Ansalong.

                                ANSALONG
                NIGHT NIGHT

                                RICKY
                NIGHT NIGHT

                                ANSALONG
                IT'S TIME FOR BYE-BYES
                IT'S BEEN A GREAT DAY THANKS A HEAP
                NOW IT'S TIME FOR EVERYONE TO GO TO SLEEP

CAMERA TRACKS BACK as each light is switched off.

                                ALL
                SO NIGHT NIGHT
                        (bass: night night)
                IT'S TIME FOR BYE-BYES
                IT'S BEEN A GREAT DAY
                THANKS A HEAP
                NOW IT'S TIME
                FOR EVERYONE
                TO GO TO SLEEP

CAMERA ENDS ON barred windows of Brad's room.  Brad cries
quietly in his darkened cell.

AUDIENCE                                                        57

Audience have nodded off as well.

GANTRY OVERLOOKING STUDIO "B"                                   58

Oliver has drifted asleep.  Betty ends her all-night recital.

                                BETTY
                '...HE WENT LIKE ONE THAT HATH BEEN STUNNED
                AND IS OF SENSE FORLORN.  A SADDER AND A WISER
                MAN HE ROSE THE 'MORROW MORN.'

Vance Parker crawls up ladder towards them.  He finds a
dead bird on Gantry and shines torch accusingly on couple.

                                PARKER
                Does this belong to you?

Betty screams.  Oliver wakes.  Parker is left holding the
bird.

INT. "DENTONVALE" - DORMITORY                                   59

Alarm rings by Bert's bed.  Ward light flickers on.  He gets 
up and taps his way to showers.  He passes shower recess 
containing Janet.

                                JANET
                        (from shower)
                When do I get to see Brad?

                                BERT
                After breakfast.  You're sounding
                tense, Janet.
                        (sneaks a look)
                Maybe I could give you a little
                massage?

Bert makes obviously "unblind" progress to Janet's shower
curtain.  A watching shadow appears in doorway.

                                BERT
                In my time they used to call me
                the Merlin of Berlin.

                                NATION
                        (quietly from door)
                They probably meant Irving and
                wanted you to swing.

Bert swings -- around -- his eyesight fraud revealed.

                                NATION
                        (to Janet)
                Mac's waiting in wardrobe, Janet.
                        (to Bert)
                Nice to see you up and about,
                Bert.  Care to join me in an
                on-set snack?

Nation smiles cruelly.

WARDROBE                                                        60

Mac is fondling clothes.

Janet enters.

                                JANET
                I want to see Brad.

                                MAC
                I understand your concern, but
                I feel it's time you started
                thinking of yourself.
                        (indicates mirror)
                Look at yourself.

Janet doesn't look.

                                MAC
                You're beautiful!

Janet looks.

                                MAC
                More beautiful than any film star.
                And I should know.  In the old
                series they came and went in every
                episode.

Janet cannot resist asking.

                                JANET
                Is it true they're all midgets
                with big heads?

                                MAC
                Absolutely true.  Compared to
                all of them, you are perfection,
                flawless beauty.

She blooms.

                                MAC
                You are the most desirable creature
                that ever walked.

                                JANET
                If only Brad could have found
                it within his heart to say
                these things to me.

                                MAC
                He will.  But it's up to you to
                reawaken his feelings.  You've 
                got to be fabulous, look, think
                and appear fabulous.  And Farley's
                given you that chance.  You can
                use the Breakfast Show to knock
                Denton dead.

                                JANET
                Do you really think so?

                                MAC
                You've got a really tight team
                around you.  And everybody needs
                you!

                                JANET
                But what'll I do?  What'll I
                say?  What'll I wear?

"LITTLE BLACK DRESS"                                            61

                                MAC
                EVER SINCE I WAS A LITTLE BOY
                DRESSING UP HAS ALWAYS BEEN MY GREATEST JOY
                BUT WHEN IT'S TIME TO BE DISCREET
                THERE'S ONE THING YOU JUST CAN'T BEAT
                THAT'S A STRAPLESS, BACKLESS CLASSICAL LITTLE BLACK

MONTAGE OF SEWING, SCISSORS AND FABRIC.

                                MAC
                FIRST YOU GO RIP RIP RIP
                THEN YOU GO SNIP SNIP SNIP
                THEN YOU WHIP IN A ZIP ZIP ZIP
                AN' SPLIT IT UP TO THE HIP HIP HIP
                AN' AS YOU STRIP STRIP STRIP
                YOU QUIVER AND SHIVER FOR THAT SOFT CARESS
                AS YOU SLIP SLIP SLIP...INTO THAT LITTLE BLACK DRESS

INT. DRESSING ROOM                                              62

The room is prepared for Janet's arrival.  Flowers around.
Bert and Nation circle a table laid out for breakfast.

                                BERT
                EVER SINCE I WAS THE EINER KELINER HERREN
                IT WAS THE CORDON BLEU FOR WHICH I AM MOST CARE-EN...
                AND THE ONE TASTE TREAT SO SWEET
                THAT REALLY CAN'T BE BEAT...
                IS WHAT WE HAVE JA? HOW YOU ARE?...CAVIAR!
                THAT LITTLE BLACK MESS.

Mac appears up the stairs (from wardrobe below), champagne is
readied, Fanfare sounds as Janet storms up the stairs in her new "Look." 
Corks pop.  Bert is amazed at the change.

                                BERT
                But...how?

                                JANET
                WELL FIRST YOU GO RIP RIP RIP
                THEN YOU GO SNIP SNIP SNIP
                THEN YOU WHIP IN A ZIP ZIP ZIP
                AN' YOU SPLIT IT UP TO THE HIP HIP HIP
                AN' AS YOU STRIP STRIP STRIP
                YOU QUIVER AND SHIVER FOR THAT SOFT CARESS
                AS YOU SLIP SLIP SLIP...INTO THAT LITTLE BLACK DRESS

                                MAC
                THAT MINIMAL

                                NATION
                CRIMINAL

                                BERT
                SIN-I-FUL

                                JANET
                LITTLE BLACK DRESS

They drink champagne and dance around.

                                ALL
                LET'S FACE IT MAC THAT BASIC BLACK IS COMING BACK
                LET'S FACE IT MAC THAT BASIC BLACK IS COMING BACK
                LET'S FACE IT MAC THAT BASIC BLACK IS COMING BACK

                                JANET
                THAT MINIMAL

                                MAC
                CRIMINAL

                                NATION
                SIN-I-FUL

                                JANET
                LITTLE BLACK DRESS

INT. STUDIO                                                     63

Crew stand by on set for "Good Morning Denton."  CYC and
 "Variety" rostra.  Dancers and Musicians at the ready.

                                FLOOD MANAGER
                Right stand by everybody.  She'll
                be here any minute now.

Dressing room door flies open and Janet followed by Mac,
Nation and Bert dance down spiral staircase to chorus reprise
of "Little Black Dress."  Crew applauds the entrance.

                                NEELY
                Janet, I can't tell you how
                excited I am.  For you.

Janet moves across the studio surrounded by make-up and
wardrobe persons.  In the b.g. Macy is settling into
Betty Hapschatt's desk and the "Denton Dossier" sign is being
replaced with "Good Morning Denton."  Neely tries to keep up.

                                NEELY
                We've got the band and dancers
                standing by.  Betty Hapschatt is...
                indisposed.  So Macy will have to
                do the links.

                                JANET
                I don't need linking.

ANGLE ON GANTRY                                                 64

Oliver and Betty, looking the worse for wear, stumble around
to view the action.  Betty spies Macy in her place and
freezes.

                                BETTY
                I knew it!

ANGLE ON "GOOD MORNING DENTON" SET                              65

Janet is positioned by Floor Manager.  The Trio Group around.
We SEE them REFLECTED in a mirror held by make-up.

                                BERT
                Out of self comes selflessness.

                                MAC
                Show yourself.  The real you.
                The secret you.

                                NATION
                You'll like what you see.

We CUT TO Macy's intro.

                                MACY
                The fabulous.  The golden.  The
                very wonderful...

Two DANCERS at Mike.  They chime forth.

                                DANCERS

                Janet -- Janet -- Janet -- Janet -- Janet.

ANGLE ON AUDIENCE                                               66

The audience wakes up and applauds.

"G.M.D." SET                                                    67

Janet and two dancers silhouetted by Greek columns like a
kitsch "Three Graces."

                                JANET
                        (with Monitor)
                THERE'S JUST THE TWO OF ME
                ALONE AT LAST TOGETHER
                WE'VE GOT THE LUCK SO FAR
                WE ARE MY LUCKY STAR

Disco beat thumps in - Dancers start up.

                                JANET
                DEEP IN THE HEART OF ME
                I LOVE EVERY PART OF ME
                ALL I CAN SEE IN ME
                IS THE DANGER AND THE ECSTACY
                ONE THING THERE COULDN'T BE
                IS ANY MORE ME IN ME

                                DANCERS
                THIS IS THE ME OF ME
                ME ME ME

Dancers clump around.  Janet walks out of light into studio
proper.  Mayhem proceeds.

ANGLE ON AUDIENCE                                               68

SHOTS OF surprised audience.

"G.M.D." SET                                                    69

Janet continues.

                                JANET
                ME
                ME
                ME
                ME ME ME
                ME ME ME

ANGLE ON GANTRY                                                 70

Betty and Oliver.  Giddy with disbelief.

"G.M.D." SET                                                    71

                                JANET
                I AM MY DESTINY
                I'LL ALWAYS BELIEVE IN ME
                I'D NEVER LIE TO ME
                I'D BE WILLING TO DIE FOR ME
                I'LL PRAY EVERY DAY TO ME
                HERE'S WHAT I'D SAY TO ME

                                DANCERS
                THIS IS THE ME OR ME
                ME ME ME

Janet knocks down column which brings down the set.  Janet
mixes it with the Musicians.  Grabs Guitar and plays a riff.

                                JANET
                ME
                ME
                ME
                ME ME ME
                ME ME ME
                LOOK AT ME!

Big finish.  Dancers collapse.

ANGLE ON AUDIENCE                                               72

Wild applause.

ANGLE ON GANTRY                                                 73

Betty rushes down the stairs.  Oliver follows.

ANDLE ON "G.M.D." SET                                           74

Crew surround Janet.

                                CREW
                Well done.  Congratulations.  That
                was hot.  Whan an act.  Etc.

                                MACY
                And you can see and hear Janet
                tonight on 'Faith Factory'
                brought to you by...

INT. CONTROL ROOM                                               75

Monitors screen excitement from the studio floor.

                                MACY
                        (voice over)
                ...Farley Flavors

Farley's LAUGHTER.

ANDLE ON "G.M.D." SET                                           76

Betty pushes her way through fans. Determined to break the spell.

                                BETTY
                How's Brad?

Trio freeze expecting the worst.

                                JANET
                If he caught my act he'll
                be lookin' good!

Betty is appalled. Janet reassures.

                                JANET
                It seems I'm his medicine
                so we're off to give him
                another spoonful.

Trio led by Janet head into maze down "Rest Home" Avenue.  Oliver joins
puzzled Betty and they both join Queue for Kirk's breakfast coffee.  Mom and Dad
are already being served.  Kirk enthuses to them.

                                KIRK
                Hey.  What about that!
                Janet was a knockout.

                                MOM
                Thank you.

                                KIRK
                Yeah, she looked terrific.
                Sexy.

Dad looks angry at this.  Kirk swallows.

                                KIRK
                Sexy and yet at the same time ...
                	(searches for
                	a word)
                'Fresh' -- untouched -- you
                know.  How's Brad?

                                MOM AND DAD
                He's fine.

                                KIRK
                Lucky Dog, having a pretty girl
                like that for a wife.

Mom and Dad move away nervously and quickly.

                                DAD
                Oh, yeah!  He sure is.  Thanks,
                Kirk, for sugaring our coffee.

                                KIRK
                My pleasure.

Mom and Dad head towards "Rest Home."

                                KIRK
                	(to himself)
                That way I might get to sugar
                your daughter's.

Betty and Oliver are next in line.

                                BETTY
                Coffee, Kirk.  I'm dying for
                it.                
                                KIRK
                R.I.P., Betty.  You're off the
                list.

Betty is shocked.  Oliver escorts her towards their office.

                                BETTY
                What's happening here?  Janet's
                on the Breakfast Show, Brad's 
                committed to a nowehere series
                and we've been . . .

They've arrived to find Ralph and Macy working at their desks.

                                OLIVER
                . . .written out.

TITLE - "DENTONVALE"                                            77

                                VOICE OVER
                Tonight's Episode.  'The Visit.'

INT - "DENTONVALE" - BRAD'S CELL                                78

Mom and Dad are visiting Brad.  Janet sweeps in.  Brad is bound and
gagged and straining at his bonds.

                                JANET
                I've just come to tell you 
                how fabulous I am.

                                MOM
                	(shouts)
                Janet!  Where's that lovely 
                dress I made you?

                                JANET
                	(dismissive)
                Oh, Mac ran up this little
                crowd-pleaser.

                                MOM
                	(outraged)
                You're practically naked!

                                JANET
                I can't wear anything under it.
                That would spoil the line.

                                BRAD
                HGMMMPHH!!

                                MOM
                My God, Janet!  How can you
                say such things?  Look at Brad,
                look what they've done to him?

Mac, Nation and Bert follow in.

                                MAC
                Ahhh!

                                DAD
                There's going to have to be an enquiry.

                                MAC
                Ahhh!

                                DAD
                There are regulations.

                                MAC
                Well. . .It's. . .

                                JANET
                . . .For his own good.

                                MAC
                	(relieved)
                Of course.  He was in great
                danger of harming himself.
  
                                NATION
                We only want what's best for
                him, as parents you must
                understand.

                                DAD
                No.  No, I don't.  He doesn't
                have to be trussed up like a
                turkey.  There are drugs that
                can keep him quiet.

                                NATION
                We used them.  All of them.

                                MOM
                And none of them worked?

                                NATION
                No.

                                DAD
                Then double the strength.

                                NATION
                We did.

                                MAC
                We know our job.


                                NATION
                And we also know how you feel,
                we're not strangers to confusion.

                                MOM
                We're not confused.

                                DAD
                Well, I am, God damn it!
                	(turns to Janet)
                You trust Brad. . .with this. . .
                	(points to Mac)
                . . .crowd-pleaser!

"SHOCK TREATMENT"                                            79

Ricky and Ansalong arrive and open cage.  Brad is wheeled around room as
Mac sings to parents.


                                MAC
                I'M NOT A LOCUM WITH A MOTIVE TO SUTURE MYSELF                
                I'VE BEEN A CYNIC FOR TOO MANY YEARS
                PLAYING DOCTOR AND NURSEY CAN BE GOOD FOR YOUR 
                HEALTH
                I'VE SEEN CLINICS WITH THOSE GIMMICKS IN TANGIERS

Nation meanwhile has decided to demonstrate their expertise on Bert.

                                MAC
                YOU NEED A BIT OF. . .

Nation rips off Bert's sunglasses.

                                RICKY, ANSALONG, NATION
                OOOH SHOCK TREATMENT

                                  MAC
                GETS YOU JUMPING LIKE A REAL LIVE WIRE
                NEED A BIT OF. . .

Nation breaks Bert's cane -- faith healer style.

                                ANSALONG, RICKY, NATION
                OOOH SHOCK TREATMENT
   
                             MAC
                SO LOOK OUT MISTER
                DON'T BLOW YOUR LAST RESISTOR
                FOR A VISTA THAT'LL MYSTIFY YA

Mac pushes Brad's chair through double doors.  Everyone follows.

                             MAC
                	(to Brad)
                YOU'RE BLINDED BY ROMANCE AND BLINDED BY SCIENCE
                YOUR CONDITION IS CRITICALLY GRAVE
                BUT DON'T EXPECT MERCY FROM SUCH AN ALLIANCE
                SUSPICION OF TRADITION SO NEW WAVE
                YOU NEED A BIT OF. . .


Nation opens door.  TV set in "Ward" Room with image of blender now
overflowing with bloody substance.  Image bleachs out as room
overexposes. 

                                ALL
                OOOH SHOCK TREATMENT

Door shuts.

                                ALL
                GETS YOU JUMPING LIKE A REAL LIVE WIRE

Chorus repeats with action repeating on four doors.  Other images are --
toaster popping up burnt, charred hands, blood-soaked scarf down smooth
leg, refrigerator opening on carcass.


                             MAC
                SO LOOK OUT MISTER
                DON'T BLOW YOUR LAST RESISTOR
                FOR A SISTER THAT'LL CERTIFY YA.

Drum-riff takes over and all dance samba-style around corridors led by
Bert, Ansalong, and Ricky.  Janet, Mac and Nation head out of corridors,
Mom and Dad to "Happy Homes" while Ricky and Ansalong end up wheeling
Brad back to his cell.

GANTRY - HIGH ANGLE ON MAZE DANCING				81

Betty and Oliver staring below.
				BETTY
                Look.  Look at that.  Bert Schnick
                can see.  Why...he's...dancing.

			       	OLIVER
			(unimpressed)	
		Yes.  Macabre, isn't it.  The
		blind leading the blind.

INT. "FAITH FACTORY" SET					82

Photo blow-up of Farley being positioned.  Bert, Janet, Mac, Nation
samba into rehearsal for "Faith Factory."  A few kids (Oscar and Brenda
Drill, Glish Davison and Drummer) hover.  Ralph and Macy greet Janet.

				RALPH
		Hi, Janet!  Welcome to the 
		'Faith Factory' team.  We're 
		all pretty excited about tonight.

				JANET
			(indicating Farley's
			huge picture)
		Do I get one of those?

				RALPH
			(embarrassed)
		Uh...yeah...sure...It's being
		done now.

He gives Macy Struthers a "get on with it" look.

				MACY
			(grinning a fixed,
			some might say
			plastic smile)
		Hi!  Macy Struthers -- co-host 
		on the F. F. show.

				RALPH
		Ah, Macy.  Why don't you help
		Janet freshen up before rehearsal.

				MACY
		Surely.

Flashbulbs pop.  Three boys get Janet's autograph.  Brenda pushes
through to Ralph.

				BRENDA
			(to Ralph)
		You promised an introduction.

Macy hovers -- disapproving.

				RALPH
			(embarrassed)
		Later, Brenda.  Ah, Bert, could
		you spare a moment?

				BERT
			(giving Mac and 
			Nation a superior
			look)
		Of course.

Mac and Nation exchange looks.  Janet, Macy, Glish, Brenda, Oscar and
Drummer move towards dressing room.

				GLISH DAVISON
			(to Brenda)
		Who are those creeps with Janet?

				BRENDA
		They're no creeps!
			(superior tone)
		Ralph says they're neuro-diagnosticians.

				OSCAR
		Oh yeah.  When did Ralph say that?

				BRENDA
			(taunting)
		Never mind.

Neely's CAMERA FOLLOWS.  Neely thrusts a microphone at Janet as she
heads up spiral staircase.

				NEELY
		Janet!  A quick word.  Could you
		tell our viewers what exactly you will represent
		tonight.

				JANET
			(entering room)
		Sanity for today!

Door slams.  Neely fumes but smiles TO CAMERA.  She passes Ralph and
Bert hovering in a corner.  Ralph holds a clipboard with schedule.

				RALPH
		How's Brad?

				BERT
		A wreck.

				RALPH
		Check.
			(sotto voce)
		The quacks are willing tools?

				BERT
		Fools!

				RALPH
		I wouldn't mind doing Janet one
		or two favours.

				BERT
		Time to check with Flavors.

INT. DRESSING ROOM						83
		
Janet and Company are relaxing.  Nation mixes cocktails.  Chanting in
b.g.  Cassette plays a bland C&W background (carte blanche).

				MACY
			(a bit thin-lipped)
		Anything else you'd like?

				JANET
		Yes.  A new carpet.  I hate the
		colour.

Macy leaves.

				NATION
		It's only one night, Janet.
		Let's not forget who we're 
		doing this for?
		
				JANET
		Who?

				MAC
		Brad!

				JANET
			(megalomania has
			taken over)
		I'm sick of hearing about that 
		lame dog.  I've got a lot going
		for me.  I'm going places.  I'm
		going to be someone.  I'm gonna
		win my way into the lives and
		hearts of people even if I have 
		to kill to do it.  I'll make the
		pathetic little crumbs love me.
		I don't even know why I'm wasting
		my time here with you.  I should 
		be with my people...

Janet storms out of room onto balcony.  Cheers from outside.  Mac
exchanges a look with Nation who is lacing a cocktail.

INT. STUDIO							84

Janet waves to cheering kids from balcony.

				GLISH
			(shouts)
		You're great!
				
				JANET
			(humbly)
		Thank you.

				BRENDA
		Hi!  My name's Brenda Drill...
		and I think you're beautiful...
		this is my brother Oscar and our
		friend Glish Davison...you're
		beautiful...you really are.

				OSCAR
		Are you a rock singer?  I bet
		she's a rock singer...

				GLISH
		Yeah.  I saw the Breakfast Show.
		You're terrific.

				BRENDA
		Your clothes are real neat...

Nation appears behind Janet, hands her the drink containing sedative.

				NATION
		This is Janet.  She's a phenomenon.

Janet gulps drink.

				JANET
		SO IF YOU'RE LOOKING FOR A STANDARD
		TO WHICH YOU CAN ASPIRE -- THEN BABIES
		LOOK AT ME!

Mac and Nation assist swooning Janet inside.

				NATION
		I think you need a little rest.
		You've got a big night ahead
		of you.

Doors close.  Kids chant "We Want Janet."

INT. "FAITH FACTORY" SET					85

Kids chanting "We Want Janet" throughout.  Macy and Ralph are being
interviewed by Neely Pritt amidst a bevy of crew activity.  Betty and
Oliver lurk on the sidelines -- eavesdropping.

				MACY
		So all in all it's going to
		be an exciting new series for
		us...

				RALPH
		...and an attractive financial
		prospect for Denton.

CUT TO Betty yawning.  Oliver listening intently.

				NEELY
			(voice over)
		and fashion-wise?

				BETTY
			(suddenly alert)
		What did I tell you.

Macy answers.

				MACY
		Well, I can just say that
		'Faith Factory' will be introducing 
		a new look that will show off
		one or two old faces in an
		entirely new light.

				NEELY
		Really!  Sounds promising.

Betty is bristling.

				BETTY
		Did you hear that, Oliver.

				OLIVER
		Yes, Betty.  But the false promise
		of a new dawn is usually followed
		by a most bloody sunset.

Betty is despondent.

				BETTY
		Oh, Oliver.  What are we going to do?

				RALPH
			(voice over)
		No!  I don't know what Janet's
		next move will be...but you can 
		be sure of one thing...it all
		starts here!

				OLIVER
		Care to indulge?

				BETTY
		Indulge?

				OLIVER
		In a little masquerade?

TITLE - "DENTONVALE"						85-A

				VOICE OVER
		Tonight's Episode --
		'Parental Predicament.'

INT. "DENTONVALE" - BRAD'S CELL					86

Brad is still restrained and feverish.  Mom and Dad are present.  They
look very worried.

				MOM
		Oh, Harry.  What are we going 
		to do?

				DAD
		Well...maybe I could wear my
		black leather brogues?

				MOM
		Too flashy...they'll clash with
		the new outfits.

Brad moans -- Mom feeds him a pill.

				MOM
		It's all right, Brad dear...have
		another sedative...we'll miss
		you on the show tonight.

They set off.

				DAD
			(to Mom)
		Maybe those Italian loafers
		I bought in Hawaii might still
		fit?

Doors close.  Brad looks tormented in his sleep.  In the distance kids
are heard chanting "We Want Janet."

SUPERIMPOSITION							87

Janet appears through closed doors.

				JANET
		I've just come to tell you how
		fabulous I am.

INT "DENTONVALE" - BRAD'S CELL					88

Brad tosses and turns.

INT. DRESSING ROOM						89

Janet tosses and turns.

				KIDS
			(voice over)
		WE WANT JANET!

INT. "DENTONVALE" - BRAD'S CELL					90

Janet in wheelchair in her "Look."

SUPERIMPOSITION							91

Brad appears through closed door in straitjacket.

				BRAD
		I've just come to tell you
		how fabulous I am.

INT. "DENTONVALE" - BRAD'S CELL AND CORRIDORS			92

Image DISSOLVES.  Doors Open.  CAMERA MOVES DOWN Corridor.  Music riff
begins.  Doors open as in "Shock Treatment."  First door houses bed
containing Mac and Nation.  Second door has Bert Schnick.

				BERT
		Face up to it, Janet...He's an
		emotional cripple.

CANNED LAUGHTER ECHOES.  Door closes.

Third door has TV set with image of Farley's face.

				FARLEY
		TIME'S TIGHT, JANET
		DO IT RIGHT, JANET
		UNTIL TONIGHT, JANET

IMAGE BLEACHES WHITE.

Janet appears in white corridors.

				JANET
			(sings)
		I'M IN A CUL-DE-SAC
		AN' I'VE GOT TO GO BACK
		SO C'MON FEET
		WE GOTTA HIT THE STREET
		WE GOT IT MADE...
		I'M LOOKING FOR TRADE

Door opens on Brad's cell.

				BRAD
		I'M LOOKING FOR LOVE.

Closes.  Janet leans against it.

				JANET
		I'M LOOKING FOR TRADE

INT. "DENTONVALE" - CORRIDORS					93

Janet circling corridor.

				JANET
		I NEED SOME
		YOUNG BLOOD
		I NEED SOME
		YOUNG BLOOD
		I NEED IT NOW
		I NEED SOME
		YOUNG BLOOD
		I NEED SOME
		YOUNG BLOOD

		AND I'M GONNA GET IT SOMEHOW!

Janet opens door.

INT. "DENTONVALE" - DINING ROOM					94

Dining table replaced by pool table.  Oscar, Glish and Drummer playing
pool. 

				JANET
		I'M IN A DEAD-END STREET
		LIKE A DOG IN THE HEAT
		I'M NO LIKE A KID WITH NO TOYS
		I GOTTA GET THOSE BOYS
		OOHH I CAN'T BE DELAYED
		I'M LOOKING FOR TRADE

Brad appears on pool table.  Boys vanish.

				BRAD
		I'M LOOKING FOR LOVE

				JANET
		I'M LOOKING FOR TRADE

INT "DENTONVALE" - OFFICE					95

Filing cabinets replaced by "Space Invaders" Machines.  Oscar, Glish and
Drummer Whizz and Fire Electronic machines.

				JANET
		WE'RE ALL LIVING LIKE THERE'S NO TOMORROW
		AN' THE WAY THINGS ARE GOING THAT'S PROBABLY TRUE

Explosion from Machine.

				JANET
		BUT WITHOUT YOU AND ME, SIS
			(looks are her reflection)
		THE WORLD'D FALL TO PIECES
			(clutches her heart)
		VENA CAVA WHO'S THE RAVER?

				TRIO
		OUR RAVING SAVIOUR THAT'S YOU!!

INT. "DENTONVALE" - CORRIDORS WITH DOORS			96

Janet opens doors, each containing video image of Farley smiling.

				JANET
		I'M ON THE PRIMROSE PATH
		LOOKING FOR A LAUGH		(DOOR)
		REMEMBER, IT'S NO FUN
		TO BE CHOSEN ONE		(DOOR)
		THERE ARE GAMES TO BE PLAYED

Janet opens shower door.  Three heads turn.

				OSCAR, GLISH AND DRUMMER
		LOOKING FOR TRADE

SHOT of Janet down corridor.

SHOT OF corridor to Brad's cell.  Door opens.

				BRAD
		I'M LOOKING FOR LOVE

DOOR CLOSES.

CLOSEUP OF Janet.

				JANET
		I'M LOOKING FOR TRADE

INT "DENTONVALE" - ANGLE ON WALL WITH WINDOWS			97

Janet walks past windows.  Faces of Trio appear through open and closed
Venetian blinds.

				JANET
		I NEED SOME

				TRIO
		YOUNG BLOOD

				JANET
		I NEED SOME

				TRIO
		YOUNG BLOOD

				JANET
		I NEED IT NOW
		I NEED SOME

				TRIO
		YOUNG BLOOD

				JANET
		I NEED SOME

				TRIO
		YOUNG BLOOD

Janet stops by Brad's window.

				JANET
		AND I'M GONNA GET IT SOMEHOW

She looks in.  The cage contains the video of Farley's smiling face.
She turns away.

				JANET
		I'M LOOKING FOR TRADE

INT. DRESSING ROOM - CLOSEUP JANET'S SLEEPING FACE		98

CHANTING HEARD from outside.

				OSCAR, GLISH AND DRUMMER
		Janet!  Janet!  We want Janet!
		Janet!  Janet!  Wake up, Janet!

Eyes flutter open.  Nation enters.

				NATION
		You've got guests.
			(calls)
		You can come in now.

Eyes focus.  Drugged effort to talk.  Oscar, Brenda, Glish and Drummer
visit.

				BRENDA
		Hi, Janet.  They wouldn't let us 
		visit you before.  They said you 
		were sleeping.

				JANET
		Who are you?

				OSCAR
		The Band.  We've been rehearsing
		for the new show.  My sister 
		Brenda persuaded Ralph to let us
		play.

				JANET
		You got any friends?

				OSCAR
		Sure.  Glish here...and Brenda.

				JANET
			(self-pitying)
		You won't have soon.  You grow
		away from the ones you love.

Oscar and Glish exchange a look.

				JANET
		Whateryer called, yer band?

				GLISH
			(proudly)
		Oscar Drill and the Bits.

Janet passes out.

WARDROBE							99

Dummy dressed as Farley FILLS SCREEN.  From behind it a woman's hand
emerges.  It is the wardrobe mistress.  She collects dummy and exits --
as she does, two figures emerge from behind the racks -- Oliver and
Betty.

				BETTY
		I don't mind telling you, Oliver...
		I'm not looking forward to this.

They grab lab coats from a medical rack labelled "F.F."

				OLIVER
		Betty, it's imperative we get
		Janet out of Flavors' fast fingers
		and Brad out of that hell-hole
		before they both disappear forever.
		If only I could place that name
		-- McKinley?

				BETTY
			(from under a
			pile of clothes)
		He was a President.

				OLIVER
		President?  Past Presidents!
		Betty, this is beginning to add
		up.

				BETTY
		Really.
			(appears in Nurse's
			outfit holding accessory)
		What'll I pin this on?

				OLIVER
		Faith, Betty.  But make sure it's
		your own.

They exit stealthily.

INT. CONTROL ROOM						100

Monitors all read "D.T.V."

Farley being fitted by Wardrobe.  impatient, he checks his watch.
Parker in attendance.

				WARDROBE
		In a hurry, Mr. Flavors?

				PARKER
		There's a little lady he doesn't
		want to keep waiting.  And a date...

				WARDROBE
		Who with, Mr. Flavors?

				FLAVORS
		The past.

WARDROBE							101

Chaos in the racks as Mac and Nation dispense the "Faith Factory"
medical look outfits to Ralph, Macy, Ricky, Ansalong, Mom and Dad.

				MOM
		LIKE A VIRGIN WITH AN' URGIN' IN A SURGERY
		I'LL BE SWINGING -- I'LL BE BRINGING OUT THE NURSE
							 IN ME

				DAD
		THE ART WILL START WHEN I PLAY MY PART
		AS THE HEALER WHO WILL STEAL YOUR HEART

				BOTH
		OH, LOOK WHAT I DID TO MY ID

Mac and Nation hand out stethoscopes, etc.

				MAC AND NATION
		WITH NEUROSIS IN PROFUSION
		AND PSYCHOSIS IN YOUR SOUL
		ELIMINATE CONFUSION
		AND HIDE INSIDE A BRAND NEW ROLE

				MACY
		LIKE A GOOD-TIME GIRL I'M GONNA TRY SOME NEW TRICKS

				RALPH
		THIS COULD BE THE START OF A WHOLE NEW CAREER HERE

				MACY
		LIKE A DEEP PLUM LIPSTICK AND SOME THERAPEUTICS

				RALPH
		THIS COULD TAKE US TO A TOWN THAT'S NOWHERE NEAR
		HERE

They dance to mirrors as Ricky struggles with pants and Ansalong snips
her hemline.

				ANSALONG
		GOT THE HOT FLUSH SYMPTOMS AND I'M FEELING FREAKY

				RICKY
		YOUNG MALE INTERN, TALL AND HANDSOME

				ANSALONG
		GOT MY HEM SO HIGH THEY'LL SAY I'M BEING CHEEKY

				RICKY
		WITH LEGS LIKE MINE I'M REALLY MADE FOR DANCING

They dance.

				ENSEMBLE
		IN THE BEST-DRESSED CONTEST
		THERE'S BOUND TO BE SOME JEALOUSY
		BUT THE BEST-DRESSED GUEST WITH WHOM WE'RE ALL IMPRESSED

		IS *ME!*  *ME!*  *ME!*  *ME!*
		YOU MAY SAY THAT WE'RE PHONY MEDICS
		AND ALL OUR UNIFORMS CAME FROM FREDERICK'S
		BUT LOOK WHAT I DID TO MY ID
		KID
		LOOK WHAT I DID TO MY ID

INT. DRESSING ROOM						102

Brenda has organised coffee to sober Janet up.  Glish and Oscar site
mesmerised; like most people, they are mistaking histrionics for
greatness.  Mac and Nation check in on Janet.

				JANET
			(mumbling)
		Brad!  Oh, Brad.

				NATION
			(impatient)
		He's a lame dog, remember?  But
		even he wouldn't want to see you
		like this.

The door opens -- Ralph is there with Neely's News Team.

				NEELY
		Listen, Ralph, I need a final
		statement from her -- and if 
		I don't get it now, Right now!
		There's going to be trouble.

				RALPH
		Later, Neely.

Slams door.  Neely's voice complaining in distance.

				RALPH
		How is she?

Nation shrugs.

				RALPH
		Yeah!  Well, I just got word Farley's
		expecting her any minute.  You Guys!!
		(Oscar and Glish)  Get yer asses in
		front of those cameras, warm up that
		crowd and earn yourselves a reputation.
		Okay?  Move!!!

Ralph rushes out.  Oscar and Glish shuffle a bit -- Oscar puts a couple
of grubby pills on the table.

				OSCAR
		For you, Janet -- they'll make
		you feel real good.

				GLISH
			(awkwardly)
		Yeah, right.

They exit.  Nation skillfully pops her own pills into Janet's coffee.

				NATION
		Amateurs!

INT. STUDIO							103

People are circulating.  An excited Audience with "Take-Away-Therapy"
products, "Faith Factory" T-shirts, etc.  Above, on the gantry, Betty
and Oliver, disguised as Medicos, are making plans.  Betty moves to
stairway behind their old office while Oliver heads around behind the
set.  Meanwhile Neely is entertaining the Audience with some last-minute
reportage.

				NEELY
		An' so if you're a follower of 
		exotic trends in fashion you'll
		find plenty to keep you going
		here tonight...and, naturally, 
		feeling the excitement and not 
		wishing to stick out like a sore
		thumb, I had to get an outfit of		
		my own together...and this is it...

She tries at first to be the reporter in a funny costume but then we see
a look in her eyes that says...Look at Me.

INT. "DENTON DOSSIER" OFFICE					104

THROUGH glass we SEE door at back of office open and "Nurse" Betty
stealthily heads towards computer information section.  FINGERS TYPE out
"McKinley" and READ-OUT REVEALS the following:

				READ-OUT
		COSMO AND NATION MCKINLEY -- OPERATING UNDER ALIAS
		COSMO AND NATION HARDING, COSMO AND NATION 
		JOHNSON, COSMO AND NATION COOLIDGE, COSMO 
		AND NATION FILLMORE.  ORIGIN UNKNOWN, FIRST 
		SIGHTED ENGLAND THEN GERMANY, SOUTH AFRICA,
		BRAZIL, SWITZERLAND, CURRENT ADDRESS DENTON U.S.A.

				BETTY
		Good Heavens!  Character actors.

INT. STUDIO - ANGLE ON AUDIENCE					105

Oscar Drill's Band are tuning up.  We VEER OVER to Brenda who's
organising the crowd into a cheer squad.

				BRENDA
		J. A. N. E. T.  What's that spell?

				CROWD
		JANET!

				BRENDA
		I can't hear you etc.

ANGLE ON GANTRY							106

Oliver heads past Officer Parker towards Brad's cell in "Dentonvale."

INT. "DENTON DOSSIER" OFFICE					107

FINGERS TYPE "Farley Flavors."  Information reads out "Farley Flavors --
see Brad Majors -- Microfilm D.D.4711."

INT. "FAITH FACTORY" SET					108

Oscar, Brenda and Bits have arrived.  Crowd murmurs.  Mrs. Drill (Brenda
and Oscar's Mom) starts to elbows those around her.

				MRS. DRILL
		That's my boy, Oscar.  Come on, 
		Oscar.  Come on, Baby.

Ralph steps up to Mike.

				RALPH
		LADIES AND GENTLEMEN -- DENTON'S OWN --
		with -- 
			(reads)
		'A Suburban Garage Sound.'
		Let's hear it for Oscar Drill and the Bits.

The crowd cheers.

INT. "DENTONVALE" - BRAD'S CELL					109

Brad in chair in cage.

Oliver's face appears at window.  Brad looks startled.

INT. "DENTON DOSSIER" OFFICE					110

Microfilm on video screen.  Headlining reading "Twins Tragedy."  Betty
gasps.  Winds film on.

				BETTY
		This is one time charity didn't
		begin at home.

Betty heads back to door as we CUT TO Video Screen SHOWING photos of
Brad and Farley as children -- twin brothers.  Music starts in studio.

INT. "FAITH FACTORY" SET					111

The Band thumps it out.  Mrs. Drill behaves like a Woodstock hippie.

				OSCAR
		I KNOW HOW IT FEELS TO BE COOLIN' MY HEELS
		I'VE BEEN DOWN ON THEM LONG ENOUGH
		BUT IF I TAKE TO THEM NOW
		THEN MAYBE SOMEHOW
		YOU'LL SEE THROUGH THE BLUFF
		OF MY PLAYING IT TOUGH

INT. "DENTONVALE" - BRAD'S CELL					112

Oliver is in room.  He tries keys on cell door.

INT. "FAITH FACTORY" SET					113

				OSCAR, BRENDA, GLISH
		I'VE BEEN A LIFETIME ON DEPOSIT
		AND THAT'S A LONG TIME IN THE CLOSET
		AND IF YOU SAY TO ME 'HOW WAS IT?'
		IT WAS HARD TAKING THAT HEART BREAKING
		GOD FORSAKEN ROUTE
		BUT I'M B-B-B-BREAKING OUT.

INT. "DENTONVALE" - BRAD'S CELL					114

Oliver isn't having much success.  Betty appears at window brandishing
"Hairpin."

INT. "FAITH FACTORY" SET					115

				OSCAR
		YOU MAY SAY THAT YOU'D CHOOSE
		TO BE IN MY SHOES
		BUT LOOK WHAT IT DID FOR ME

INT. DRESSING ROOM						116

Nation helps Janet into dress.  She stares, frozen, into mirrors.

				OSCAR
			(voice over)
		I GOT BURIED ALIVE
		I DON'T THRIVE ON THAT JIVE
		LOOK AND YOU'LL SEE
		THAT MY SPIKES DON'T FIT ME

INT. "FAITH FACTORY" SET					117

				OSCAR, BRENDA, GLISH
		WE'VE BEEN A LIFETIME ON DEPOSIT
		AND THAT'S A LONG TIME IN THE CLOSET
		AND IF YOU SAY TO US 'HOW WAS IT?'
		IT WAS HARD TAKING THAT HEART BREAKING
		GOD FORSAKEN ROUTE
		BUT WE'RE B-B-B-BREAKING OUT.
				
INT. "DENTONVALE" - BRAD'S CELL					118

Betty has picked the lock.

They rush in to Brad.  Oliver grasps the wheelchair.

				BRAD
		Where are we going?

				BETTY
		To a family reunion.

INT. "FAITH FACTORY" SET					119

Audience is responding to Oscar and Company.

				OSCAR
		BREAKING OUT

				AUDIENCE
		BREAKING OUT

				OSCAR
		BREAKING OUT

				AUDIENCE
		BREAKING OUT

				OSCAR
		BREAKING OUT

				AUDIENCE
		BREAKING OUT

INT. "DENTONVALE" - BRAD'S CELL					120

Oliver.  Betty.  Brad.  Explanations are concluding.

				BETTY
		...and he's resented you all these
		years.

				BRAD
		And Janet?

				OLIVER
		She represents everything he
		was denied.

INT. "FAITH FACTORY" SET					121

				OSCAR, BRENDA, GLISH
		Breaking OUT!

Applause.  Flashbulbs.

INT. CONTROL ROOM						122


				FARLEY
		...She represents everything that 
		our customers want.  Innocence, 
		decency and the illusion of a 
		happy ending!

Applause.  Flashbulbs, etc.


				FARLEY
		 And behind her image Take-Away 
		Therapy	will thrive in the 
		capable hands of two great 
		ethical intellects operating on 
		the frontiers of medical science...
			(indicating Mac 
			and Nation)
		 ... under the firm guidance of a
		great survivor in the treacherous 
		sea of diplomacy -- Bert Schnick!

Applause -- meeting breaks up -- Neely elbows her way to Farley.  Crew
follows, CAMERAS TURNING.  Macy leaves to collect Janet.  Others follow.


				NEELY
		Mr.  Flavors -- may I have a moment 
		of your time?

CAMERAS TURN.

				FARLEY 
			(magnanimous)
		Sure thing.

				NEELY
		We've heard rumors that you're 
		going to unveil more than just
		a new series tonight.  Is this 
		true?

				FARLEY
		Absolutely correct.

				NEELY
		Could you tell us a little about 
		it?

				FARLEY
		Let's just say that I'm putting 
		sanity back on the national 
		menu.

				NEELY
		And how does 'local girl'
		Janet Majors fit into the scheme 
		of things?

Macy arrives, escorting Janet.

				FARLEY
			(glimpsing Janet)
		Very nicely.

				JANET
			(amazed at
			resemblance)
		Brad?

INT. "DENTONVALE" - CORRIDORS					123

Betty holds door to Brad's cell as Oliver pushes chair into corridor.

INT. "FAITH FACTORY"						124

Colonnade with central dais backed by two photo blow-ups of Farley and
Janet.  mom, Dad, Ricky, Ansalong, Macy sit on lower level.  Ralph at
microphone.  Mac and Nation flanking podium.

				RALPH
		And here she is!  Denton's
		own!  America's Pride!  Janet...
		The Sensation of the Planet...

Cheers.

				RALPH
		We bring you...MISS MENTAL HEALTH.

A rather confused Janet dressed as a cross between Miss America and a
bride appears at the entrance to the colonnade.  During the following
she progresses along to the dais and sits in a special, waiting throne.
Nation has the microphone.


				NATION
		Isn't she lovely?

				MOM
			(shouts) 
		Mommy and Daddy love you, 
		Baby.

				NATION
		She walks in beauty...

				MOM
			(shouts) 
		We love you, Baby.

				NATION
		We all love Janet...Who 
		do we love?

				ALL
			(shout)
		JANET!!

				NATION
			(over P.A.)
		The dress Janet is wearing has 
		been given by Creme de la Creme Modes of 
		Downtown Denton, and we've been asked 
		that you take note of the individual 
		styling and exquisite tailoring...
		This is just one of the many gifts 
		that have been so freely and generously 
		given to Janet, the first of 
		(we hope) many Miss Mental Healths...

Neely Pritt preens at this remark.

				ALL
		Hooray.

				VOICE OFF (IRWIN)
		Let me through.  I'm the President.

				NEELY
			(excitedly)
		The President's here!

Audience excitement as a strange little man ascends the dais.

				PRESIDENT
		I'm Irwin Lappsy...President 
		of Lappsy Auto...and I have here 
		in my hand some keys...keys that 
		I want to give to this little 
		Lady that's being honored tonight
		...And I wanna tell you...that if 
		this same little Lady takes these 
		keys...She'll find that they fit
		something!  And what that something 
		is...is a...BRAND NEW...ULTRA DE LUXE
		...EIGHT CYLINDER CONVERTIBLE!!
		COMPLETE WITH RADIO...TAPEDECK
		...WASHABLE SEAT COVERS and 
		many more extras...an' it's hers 
		for absolutely free.

The curtains part with a fanfare and we see the auto.  LAPPSY goes to
hand Janet the keys and Mac grabs them.  

				ALL
		Wow...Yeah...Hooray.

				MOM
		You're beautiful, Baby.

				RALPH
		Well, Janet's absolutely speechless, 
		Ladies and Gentlemen.  But that's 
		all right.  Because we don't need her 
		to talk...But here's someone we do
		want to hear from...a firm favorite
		of yours and mine.  You've revelled
		in his recipes.  You've marvelled 
		at his marriage guidance.  Yes, the
		all-knowing, and now all-seeing
		Bert Schnick!!

Bert races around colonnade to take his place at the microphone.

				BERT
		Sank you!  Velcome!  Sank you!

				RALPH
		What's cookin', Bert?

				BERT
		I tell you what's cooking.  She
		made the blind see and it was a
		gift!  Who was it from?  Let's 
		hear an 'F" for...

				ALL
		Farley!

INT. "DENTONVALE" - CORRIDORS					125

Oliver and Betty are wheeling Brad around corridors but seem quite lost.
All pointing different directions.

				BERT
			(voice over)
		And another one for...

				ALL
		Flavors!

INT. "FAITH FACTORY"						126

Farley progresses around Colonnade to tremendous ovation.  Music plays.
He takes microphone.

				FARLEY
		My Friends!  And you are
		my friends.  My friends.
		Tonight, we are taking the
		first step of defiance and
		starting something that will
		grow so big that the whole 
		world will reverberate to its
		sound.  And wherever our
		slogan 'SANITY AND VANITY'
		is uttered it will be
		linked incontravertably with
		this night...this station
		...and...this...beautiful
		face.

Farley moves to Janet.  Groom to Bride.

INT. CORRIDORS							127

Trio roars around corner.

INT. "FAITH FACTORY"						128

Farley's hand takes Janet's.  He is about to kiss her as the trio
crashes through the photo blowup of Janet and Brad lands between them.

				BRAD
		SEDUCER!

Chord.

				FARLEY
			(amazed)
		 Who are you, Sir!

Chord.

				BRAD
			(defiant)
		Your twin brother!  And your 
		accuser!

General consternation.  Janet looks from one to another.  They are
indeed identical.

				JANET
		BRAD!  

				MAC
			(to Parker)
		Arrest that man!  He's committed 
		to our care.

				JANET
			(to Mac) 
		I never signed the contract.  
			(to Parker)
		He's not going anywhere.

Chord.

				OLIVER
			(to Farley) 
		To revenge your twin--you 
		tried to abuse her.

				FARLEY
		Ridiculous accusations!  You
		force me to refuse her.  

				BRAD
		Then why did you choose her?

CLOSEUP of Farley glaring at Brad.

				FARLEY
			(voice over)
		Because...of you, Sir!

				FARLEY
			(voice over,
			singing)
		YOU'RE A LOSER...AN ABOMINATION
		IN THE EYES OF ANY SENSITIVE MAN

CLOSEUP of Brad glaring back at Farley.

				BRAD
			(voice over)
		AN' YOU'RE A BLIND ALLEY CRUISER
		ALWAYS HEADING DOWN A LOSING 
		STRAIGHT
		DREAMIN' THAT YOU'RE SCREAMIN' AT
		FATE

INT. CORRIDORS - BRAD'S P.O.V.					129

Pursuing Farley down corridor.

				BRAD
			(voice over)
		YOU'RE A DEAD-END, DEAD-BEAT,
		NO-WHERE MISTER 
		WITH A KISS LIKE A MISSISSIPPI
		ALLIGATOR'S SISTER

Farley turns.  They now spit their thought at each other in song:

				FARLEY
		I'VE TOOK AS MUCH OF YOU AS ANY
		MAN CAN
		YOU'VE LOST YOUR HEART

CLOSEUP - BRAD.

				BRAD
		YOU'VE LOST YOUR CAUSE

CLOSEUP - FARLEY.

				FARLEY
		YOU LOST YOUR BABY WHEN YOU LOST 
		YOUR BALLS
		YOU'VE LOST YOUR MIND, YOU'VE LOST
		YOUR GRIP
		SO SAY BYE-BYE

Farley walks away.  Brad pursues.

				BRAD
		WE LOST OUR MOM, WE LOST OUR DAD
		AN' IF I'M LOSING YOU, WELL THAT'S
		JUST TOO BAD

Farley turns.

				FARLEY
		WELL THE BEST THING YOU COULD
		EVER DO...IS DIE

Farley moves on.

				BRAD
		YOU'RE A FAILURE...
		A MALFORMATION IN THE GUISE OF
		MANY, AN ALSO-RAN

Farley turns.

				FARLEY
		AN' YOU'RE A WEEPER AND A WAILER
		ALWAYS TREADING THE TOES OF
		THE GREAT
		GENERALLY SPREADING YOUR WEIGHT
		YOU'RE A SPITEFUL, HATEFUL
		ASININE CREATURE
		A PUPIL WITH NO SCRUPLES WHO
		KNEW BETTER THAN THE TEACHER

CLOSEUP - BRAD.

				BRAD
		I'VE TOOK AS MUCH OF YOU AS ANY
		MAN CAN

CLOSEUP - FARLEY.

				FARLEY
		YOU'VE LOST YOUR HEART

CLOSEUP - BRAD.

				BRAD
		YOU'VE LOST YOUR CAUSE

CLOSEUP - FARLEY.

				FARLEY
		YOU LOST YOUR BABY WHEN YOU LOST 
		YOUR BALLS
		YOU'VE LOST YOUR MIND, YOU'VE LOST
		YOUR GRIP
		SO SAY BYE-BYE

Farley moves off.

				BRAD
		WE LOST OUR HOME AND OUR FAMILY
		YOU'VE LOST COMPASSION, NOW 
		YOU'RE LOSING ME

Farley turns.

				FARLEY
		THE BEST THING YOU COULD EVER DO
		IS DIE

CLOSEUP - BRAD.
				BRAD
		THE BEST THING YOU COULD EVER DO
		IS DIE.

INT. "FAITH FACTORY"						130

CUT BETWEEN CLOSEUPS OF Brad on floor in straitjacket and Farley
standing in tuxedo.

				BRAD AND FARLEY
			(voice over)
		THE BEST THING YOU COULD EVER
		DO IS DIE.

				FARLEY
		Take no notice of him.  He's 
		mad.

				BRAD
			(spluttering) 
		I'm as sane as you are.  Saner!

Mac grabs microphone.

				MAC
		And he was only with us for 
		a day.

Crowd jeers and laughs.

				BERT
			(half to himself)
		They should be sent to the
		Danube before Dawn.

				RALPH
			(sharply)
		What?

				BERT
			(caught out)
		Nothing.  Just...memories!

Ralph confides to Farley:
				RALPH
		We'll edit the tapes.  This
		will never see airplay.
			(steps to microphone)
		I hope Mr. Flavors will accept 
		apologies on behalf of Denton 
		for this unfortunate incident.  
		Everyone wants to be related 
		to the great.

				FARLEY 
		No offense!  On the contrary, 
		this is a perfect examples of 
		what we're here to combat. 
			(whispers to Janet)
		The choice is yours...

Janet looks from one to another.  She chooses Brad.  Farley indicates
the quartet of Brad, Janet, Oliver and Betty.  He starts CHANTING.

				FARLEY
		 Out!  Out!  Out!

Audience picks up CHANT until "OUT! OUT! OUT!" becomes a DEAFENING ROAR
and the quartet retreats in fear of their lives.  Audience roar turns to
CHEERS as Parker escorts the Quartet off the set to the "Denton Dossier"
office where he shuts them in.

				FARLEY
			(triumphant) 
		And the way we got rid of that 
		dirty little dish is the way
		we're going to put the rest of 
		our house in order.
			(tapping his brain)
		Including the UPSTAIRS!

CHEERS, white doves are released.  Neely nudges Bert but Ralph gets the
idea and pushes Macy towards Farley.

				FARLEY
			(to Macy)  
		Would you care to join me up
		here, Miss, and help us
		inaugurate the Farley Flavors 
		FAITH FACTORY, transmitting
		from coast to coast and	from 
		continent to continent...step 
		up, please, Miss...?

				MACY
		Macy...Macy Struthers.

Betty gives the finger from the glass door.

				BETTY
			(with venom)
		Who loves you, Baby!

				BRENDA's MOTHER
			(shouts out)
		My Brenda's better than both of 
		them!

Brenda looks appalled.  "Bits" are worried by the turn of events.
Janet's Mom looks suicidal...Dad consoles.

				MOM
		What a nerve!  What a mouth!


				DAD 
		Shut up, Emily, and listen to 
		a success story.

				NEELY 
			(in tears) 
		I can't stand it.  Everything 
		good always happens to other 
		people.

				NATION 
			(sotto voce to Mac) 
		This could be worse than the 
		old series.

				MAC
			(sotto voce to 
			Nation)
		In the old series we didn't 
		have a convertible.

He rattles the keys.

				FARLEY
		And remember.  Sanity today
		is the springboard to a 
		hygienic tomorrow.

Audience applauds.

				FARLEY
		Now will you join us down the 
		D.T.V. trail to DENTONVALE?

				AUDIENCE
		Yes!

Oscar, Brenda and the Bits decline but everyone else storms into
colonnade path which is seen to form the entrance to the corridors.
Straitjackets are handed out on entry.  Neely winds up her documentary.

				NEELY
		And Fast Food Giant 
		Farley Flavors has given 
		Miss Mental Health what can 
		only be described as an 
		official kiss of approval and
		the crowd are loving it as 
		they follow her down the
		Dentonvale trail.

In office Brad indicates everyone disappearing to Parker.  He reacts and
rushes off after Neely who is trailing with her long-suffering Crew.
Betty produces the hairpin and gets to work on the lock; Janet and
Oliver undo the straitjacket on Brad.

"ANYHOW!  ANYHOW!"						131

				BRAD
		SOME PEOPLE DO IT FOR COMPASSION

				JANET
		SOME PEOPLE DO IT FOR THE FASHION

				BRAD
		SOME PEOPLE DO IT TO BE FUNNY

				JANET
		SOME PEOPLE DO IT FOR THE MONEY

				OLIVER
		SOME PEOPLE DO IT FOR ENSLAVEMENT

				BETTY
		SOME PEOPLE DO IT ON THE PAVEMENT

Lock turns.  Door opens.

				BETTY
		BUT

Music starts.  They stand.  They dance across colonnade to now-deserted
seating block.

				QUARTET
		WE'RE GONNA DO IT ANYHOW!  ANYHOW!
		WE'RE GONNA DO IT ANYHOW!  ANYHOW!
		WE'RE GONNA DO IT -- NO MATTER
		HOW THE WIND IS BLOWING
		WE'RE GONNA DO IT ANYHOW!  ANYHOW!
		WE'RE GONNA DO IT ANYHOW!  ANYHOW!
		WE'RE GONNA DO IT -- WE JUST
		GOTTA KEEP GOING

Sitting among debris left by Audience.

				BRAD AND JANET
		SOME PEOPLE DO IT FOR FOR EACH OTHER

				OLIVER AND BETTY
		SOME PEOPLE DO IT FOR FOR THEIR LOVERS

				BRAD AND JANET
		SOME PEOPLE DO IT FOR FOR IMPROVEMENT

				OLIVER AND BETTY
		SOME PEOPLE DO IT FOR MOVEMENT

				BRAD AND JANET
		SOME PEOPLE DO IT FOR FOR ENJOYMENT

				OLIVER AND BETTY
		SOME PEOPLE DO IT FOR FOR EMPLOYMENT

They are joined by Oscar, Brenda, Glish, Drummer who have been hiding in
Lappsy's auto.  They repeat chorus, dancing along colonnade towards
studio door:

				OCTET
		WE'RE GONNA DO IT ANYHOW!  ANYHOW!
		WE'RE GONNA DO IT ANYHOW!  ANYHOW!
		WE'RE GONNA DO IT -- NO MATTER
		HOW THE WIND IS BLOWING
		WE'RE GONNA DO IT ANYHOW!  ANYHOW!
		WE'RE GONNA DO IT ANYHOW!  ANYHOW!
		WE'RE GONNA DO IT -- WE JUST
		GOTTA KEEP GOING

INT. "DENTONVALE" SET						132

EXTREME TOP ANGLE ZOOMING SLOWLY BACK FROM Farley, Mac, Nation, Bert,
Ralph, Macy, Ricky, Ansalong, Mom, Dad and Mrs. Drill celebrating with
champagne in Dentonvale office.  As SHOT WIDENS we SEE Audience all in
straitjackets, running around the corridors in and out of rooms.  The
SHOT WIDENS as does the chaos UNTIL IT TAKES IN the entire studio.

				DENTON CHORUS
		DENTON!  DENTON!  YOU'VE GOT NO 
		PRETENTION
		YOU'RE WHERE THE HEART IS!  YOU'RE
		OKAY!
		DENTON!  DENTON! I'D JUST LIKE
		TO MENTION
		YOU'RE THE ACCEPTABLE FACE OF THE
		HUMAN RACE
		YOU'RE DENTON!  DENTON!...
		DENTON U.S.A.

INT. STUDIO							133

The octet are pushing back the studio door revealing the moon and a wet,
windy nightscape.

				OCTET
		WE'RE GONNA DO IT ANYHOW!  ANYHOW!
		WE'RE GONNA DO IT ANYHOW!  ANYHOW!
		WE'RE GONNA DO IT -- NO MATTER
		HOW THE WIND IS BLOWING
		WE'RE GONNA DO IT ANYHOW!  ANYHOW!
		WE'RE GONNA DO IT -- WE JUST
		GOTTA KEEP GOING

They head into the night.

				OCTET
		WE JUST GOTTA KEEP GOING

An electric storm flashes lightning.

				OCTET
		WE JUST GOTTA KEEP GOING

Studio doors slide closed.

END TITLES.

								FADE OUT

                                THE END