The Musical World of Rocky Horror

Shock Treatment (Transcript)        14,596 views


This script is not the official script which is put out by Twentieth Century
Fox.  Rather this was compiled and transcribed off of a tape by a fan of the
movie.  Thus noted, this script is public domain and may not be sold.  This
script may be used for information purposes, however the accuracy of the words
is not guaranteed and therefore should not be used as your only source.  It may
be distributed freely by paper, audio, or electronic media so long as this
disclaimer is included.  This script was transcribed with apologies to Richard
O'Brien, creator of Shock Treatment.

Written by Richard O'Brien
Compiled by Larry Viezel
Some corrections by Ruth Fink-Winter
Special thanks to the Cinema 35 cast of Paramus NJ

(Movie opens up with a still shot of Farley in his office smoking a cigar. Credits are rolling in a bar near the bottom of the screen) Narr: Once upon a time, In a town not far from yours, There lived a real fast guy. His life was fast. His friends were fast. Even his food was fast. But he was still not satisfied. He wanted to share his fast philosophy with someone else - A beautiful girl. Trouble was, she was in the arms of another man. (<boing> Smoke begins to move.) <<music - Shock Treatment Overture>> (Camera pulls out to show a neon "Denton, The Home of Happiness billboard. Neely, her crew, Ralph and Macy are sitting in the middle of the audience's seats. The Floor Manager is in the upper right sitting. The Cop can be seen walking behind Farley down the stairs from his billboard/office and over to the Floor Manager. Cop motions to the floor manager and everyone gets up. Floor Manager walks over to the wardrobe room door and knocks. He goes in and the wardrobe mistress comes out. She walks around the corner and nearly runs into the makeup girl) W. Mistrss: Whoops! (Wardrobe Mistress keeps walking and nearly runs into Floor Manager who has just come out of the other wardrobe room door. The camera follows him down the winding stairs to Kirk's Coffee Corner. He tells various cast members to get ready. Camera follows him down to and behind the big DENTON set. First he passes the cheerleaders not yet in their places. The he goes behind the picnic table D revealing Emily standing in it with a sewing machine. Then he goes behind the letter E, which is made of shrubbery. In it is Harry with a ladder and a set of garden shears) Harry: Good luck, honey. (In the N stands the Cop writing a ticket. The N is reminiscent of a jail cell. To the right, of the letter T, decorated with red and white stripes on the base and white on blue stars on the cross bar, stands Ralph adjusting his tie. He is not yet in place either. The letter O, done in wood grain, are two phones. In the letter N stands Macy adjusting outfit. The Floor Manager goes past the DENTON set, past the "Welcome To DTV sign, and to the studio bay door and motions for it to be opened, letting the audience in. In the audience are Brad and Janet Majors) Brad: What are we gonna do, Janet? Janet: It's all right, Brad, everything's gonna be all right. (Everyone takes their seats and the camera finally comes to a rest on the neon billboard. Scene shifts to the video wall in Farley's office showing the DTV logo and then the Denton Dossier opening. <4 chimes>. Camera shifts to Neely standing backwards facing the DENTON set. Everyone is where they were in accordance to above instructions except Brenda who is on the left side of the T, Frankie who is on the right side of the T, and Ralph who is now sitting in the O. Neely turns around to sing.) <<song - Denton, Denton, USA>> Neely: You'll find happy hearts, and smiling faces And tolerance for the ethnic races - in Denton. Harry: You'll find a rambling rose (clips bush with scissors) And a picket fence. Emily: Tenderness, and innocence (turns knob on machine) In Denton (bites the thread) Cop: You'll find conference rooms And a children's playground. (locks jail cell door) Denton is a real okay town (makes okay sign, walks to the T) Civic pride and civic duty. And Denton girls are (wolf whistles) full of beauty. (Cheerleaders run forwards and dance their cheer) Chrldrs:You may call us the goodie goodie two shoes Were here to cheer you with the good news That D - E - N - T - O - N gets T - E - N That's ten out of ten! (Ralph has a phone receiver in his left hand and on his right shoulder) Ralph: If you're looking for a life of leisure (points to audience) Macy: You're gonna get a whole lot to please ya Ralph: Again and again Macy: And again and again Both: And again! (Ralph and Macy shrug) Audnce: Denton, Denton, you've got no pretension You're where the heart is you're okay! Denton, Denton, I'd just like to mention You're the home of youth. You're America's truth. You're Denton Denton USA! Emily: This is the Mecca of America Harry: The Bethlehem of the west Emily: This is the birthplace of the virtuous. Harry: The home of (clips bush with scissors) happiness Macy: Leisure-wise, we're sure you will adapt. Ralph: (To left phone) Enjoy your stay. (To right phone) Have a happy holiday. Chrldrs:And we'll all put Denton Denton on the map. Audnce: Denton, Denton, you've got no pretension You're where the heart is you're okay! Denton, Denton, I'd just like to mention You're the home of youth. You're America's truth. You're Denton Denton USA! (Audience rises) Denton, Denton, you've got no pretension You're where the heart is you're okay! Denton, Denton, I'd just like to mention You're (Brad messes up his clap) the acceptable face, (Camera goes through the faces of people in the set) Of the human race. You're Denton Denton USA! (Audience sits) (Scene shift to Betty and Oliver on the Denton Dossier set) Betty: Well how about that? Wasn't that terrific? And now for, well certainly my favorite part of the show, and I sincerely hope yours at home, our regular in depth discussion with Judge Oliver Wright, Denton's leading social scientist. Judge Wright? Oliver: mmhmm? Betty: Did you enjoy our anthem? Oliver: In a way. Betty: I detect a note of reticence. Are you perhaps one of those amongst us who feel that emotive forms of presentations are overly manipulative? Oliver: Well Betty, there are many ways that the spider may catch the fly. There are monetary inducements, (Scene switches to Neely talking to Brad and Janet. Oliver's lines can be heard in the background.) Neely: Hi, Brad. Hi, Janet. Oliver: Extortion Neely: Come for the Marriage Maze? Oliver: Seduction Neely: I'm exhausted working on this documentary for Farley's new show. Oliver: Blackmail Neely: Farley Flavors, our new sponsor. Whew! (shakes her hand) Oliver: Prejudice Neely: I tell you Janet, that guy's as close as we'll come to a successful man in this town. Oliver: and lies. Betty: Thank you Judge Oliver Wright. (Camera to Betty) And now for a commercial break. (Camera to Macy on Farley Flavors Fabulous Fast Food Commercial set. Macy is wearing glasses and a graduation cap & gown outfit. Kids are sitting on the floor in costumes which kids would wear if they were given free choices as to how they want to dress. On the floor is the five F Farley Flavors logo.) <<music - Farley Flavors Fabulous Fast Food commercial>> Macy: (Taps stick on blackboard) Okay kids, lets hear the five F's for today. F for. . . Kids: Farley! Macy: F for. . . Kids: Flavors! Macy: F for. . . Kids: Fabulous! Macy: F for. . . Kids: Fast! Macy: And F for. . . Kids: Food! FmlAncr:First and foremost, Farley Flavor's fabulous fast foods feed and fortify families for a fabulous future. (Camera on Betty and Oliver walking towards Kirk's Coffee Stand) FlrMgr: (Over PA system) Stand by for Marriage Maze. Strike Denton Dossier. Betty: Thank you so much, Judge Wright, for another wonderful interview. Oliver: Judge Wright? Oh, come on, Betty. First name terms, surely, huh? Betty: Oh, Oliver, you're so tolerant. Time for a coffee break before you rush off? Oliver: mmm, I'd love to, that is, if you don't mind being seen with an older man. (The first E from the DENTON set is moved across the screen. Oliver moves Betty out of the way) Betty: Why, Oliver, since Ralph and I separated maturity is something I look for in a man. (Oliver and Betty exchange giggles. Two audience members in the front row greet them with "Hi Ollie!" "Hi Betty!") Neely: Hi, Betty. Betty: Hello, Neely. Neely: You keep up that high standard of interview and I'm gonna have to include you in Farley's documentary. You're so probing! Oliver: A free thinker? Betty: Everything's free there. Kirk: Hi, Betty! The usual? Betty: Plus one. Kirk: [hereyago.] Hi Vance. Are you gonna be watching Marriage Maze? Cop: Sure am. This could be Bert Schnick's finest hour. FlrMgr: Yeah. Kirk: Yeah? Cop: Yeah! This could be a major step forward for him. FlrMgr: Yeah, a leap in the dark. I better go check on the Bert, otherwise. Cop: Right. Betty: Good luck. (Scene shift to Wardrobe Mistress and Makeup Lady getting Bert ready. Announcer's voice starts and Bert motions for them to get away. Once they are off screen Bert begins walking towards the studio floor.) MlAncr: And here to bring you your just desserts and a recipe for a perfect marriage, is that gorgeous gourmet, tossing the uproarious salad of life, Marriage Maze host Bert Schnick! (Bert takes a bite of the air, probably miming the word "Shit!") FlrMgr: Three seconds! (Audience cheers as Bert dances in.) Bert: Hoopla, Denton! Audnce: Hoopla, Bert! (Audience cheers more) Bert: Thank you. Welcome. Thank you. Before we start I want to say one or two words about tomorrow night's great new show "The Faith Factory Show." (Audience ooooohs) And as a matter of fact we have in the studio audience tonight the host and his lovely co-host. Give a big hand, please, to Ralph Hapschatt and the vivacious Macy Struthers. (Ralph and Macy stand in the audience a row in front of Brad and Janet as the audience cheers.) Brad: Hey, Ralph! Janet: Brad! Bert: Let's get a camera in there for heaven's sake. Over the moon about that commercial, Macy. Macy: Thanks, Bert. Bert: And got a good show lined up for us tomorrow night Ralph? Ralph: Ah, you bet, Bert. (snaps his fingers on his right hand while saying this) Bert: Good! I'm gonna be there. Ain't we all, viewers? (Camera to Kirk's Coffee Corner) Betty: Macy Struthers with my husband. God, I must have been blind. Still, the weaker the man the dumber the blonde. Oliver: Isn't that Brad and Janet Majors sitting in the audience? (Camera on Brad and Janet) What an ideal couple they are. You know more than anyone else in Denton they represent the old values. (Camera back to Oliver) Ike would've been proud of them. Bert: And now, would the first couple who seem to have made hash of their marriage, and cooked their goose, step this way please. You! (Bert points out to audience. Camera leads in onto Brad and Janet) Janet: That's us, Brad! Bert: Come on. What's cooking up there? Come on down you guys. Let's feel you. Brad: I'm not going, Janet. Janet: We've got to. Everyone is watching. (Brad and Janet get pulled out of their seats and led down the aisle to the stage by the floor manager as two audience drones immediately fill their seats.) Bert: Face the cameras. Face the cameras. Now, introduce yourselves. (Brad and Janet simultaneously introduce themselves and the audience laughs. Camera on Farley watching from his office) Janet: I'm Janet Majors and this is my husband Brad. Bert: Hey Brad, we've been hearing some bad things about you. Haven't we Janet? (Camera flashes to Kirk's Coffee Corner Kirk laughs. Camera goes back to Janet) Bert: Haven't we, Janet? Janet: Uh, uh yes, uh he needs help. Brad: Help? Let's face it Janet, Brads an emotional cripple! (Audience laughs, Brad laughs, Kirk laughs) Janet: I know, I know, its jus- Bert: It looks like rest home for this stupid old marriage hey? (Audience cheers) Bert: Tell me Janet, you watch Dentonvale? Janet: Uh, yes, I've caught it once or twice. Bert: That's right, DTV's most popular hospital series, featuring those perennial favorites Nation and Cosmo McKinley, neuro-specialist par excellence. I recommend, if you pardon my French Janet, that you send Brad to them for treatment. Janet: Oh, uh, well uh I know he's a little boring but uh neuro specialists? That sounds a little drastic. Bert: Aaah there's no use pussy footing around Janet. We have to cut quick and deep! (Audience cheers. Camera flashes Brad, Janet and then over to Kirk's stand) Oliver: McKinley. McKinley. Betty: Bert brought them over from Europe. Oliver: Oh? Betty: They had a very popular series together. Its still rerun in a lot of countries. You must have seen them in Dentonvale. Oliver: No, I never watch that. (Camera pans back to Marriage Maze) Bert: [There's no use wasting another moment] but I'm afraid there's only one solution, isn't there folks? (Floor Manager holds up sign reading DENTONVALE) One, two, three! Audnce: Dentonvale! Bert: Hoopla! Don't go away, we'll be right back to see if Brad and Janet want to play or pass. FlrMgr: Great Bert Bert: Congratulations. I think you've made a wise decision. Janet: But... but I - Brad: Janet, I'm... I'm not going. Janet: What do you mean you're not going? You'll ruin the show. Bert's made all the arrangements - Brad: But I don't need treatment. (Brad knocks over pitcher of water) Bert: But you do need glasses hey stupid? (Bert & Floor Manager laugh. Bert eggs on the audience) Doesn't he customers? Janet: I am sick of being humiliated by you. Bert's right, you're going. <<song - Bitchin In The Kitchen>> (In this song the male announcer's voice can be heard in the background during Brad and Janet's verses. In such cases his words are marked by parentheses. Items mentioned by Brad and Janet are demonstrated as they are mentioned) MlAncr: It looks like Brad and Janet are heavily amazed today. Here's some more prizes to amaze, here on Marriage Maze. Brad: Dear blender, (You won't blend into the background with this in your home) Oh won't you help a first offender. Oh, toaster. (Pop up in the popularity ratings) Don't you put the burn on me. (Look at this!) Refrigerator, why are we always sooner or later. Bitchin in the kitchen or crying in the bedroom all night. (Living on the knife edge) Dear knife drawer (Stay sharp with this keen knife enhancer) Now won't you help me to face life more Oh, trashcan (You can't can what the trashcan can) Don't you put the dirt on me. Oh percolator, why are we always sooner or later. (No toil no trouble) Bitchin in the kitchen or crying in the bedroom all night. Janet: Everything used to be okay, But I've been had. And Brad, I'm glad to say, is on his way. (Try a prize computer wise) Micro digital awaker, why are we always sooner or later Bitchin in the kitchen or crying in the bedroom all night. (Bert walks across the set) Shower curtain (Wash those blues away) Oh won't you help me to be certain. Oh toothpaste, (Arm yourself with - teeth) Don't you put the squeeze on me. Depilitator, why are we always sooner or later Bitchin in the kitchen or crying in the bedroom all night. (Rick wheels in the wheelchair) MlAncr: And now its back to Marriage Maze. And for those of you who are Dentonvale watchers here's our surprise guest. Yes. And here's Bert! Bert: Hey folks, its Ricky from the rest home! Ricky: Hey Bert! (Ricky slaps Bert five) Bert: Hey Ricky! Ricky: I've come for Mr. Majors. Bert: Brad will learn how to care in a surgical chair. (Audience cheers) Ricky: Nothing uh serious I hope. Janet: Oh no no, just a routine checkup. Bert: Just a routine checkup hey viewers? (Crowd laughs. Janet sings one last verse). Janet: Tell me spectator, why are we always sooner or later, Bitchin in the kitchen or crying in the bedroom all night. (Brad gets wheeled out by Ricky and Janet follows) MlAncr: Ha Ha Ha! Well, Bert's done it again, another rocky marriage is headed for intensive care. Bert: The subject is committed. (Music stops, cameras turn off and Bert turns to Floor Manager) As are we all. (Dentonvale opening) ShoAncr:Dentonvale, The Arrival. Introducing Brad and Janet Majors. (Camera to Cosmo and Nation in the Dentonvale office) Cosmo: Ah, Mr. and Mrs. Majors, how wonderful to see you. I'm Dr. Cosmo McKinley. And this is my sister and colleague Dr. Nation McKinley. Nation: We understand you've been going through a rather trying time. Janet: Well yes, we hav - Brad: Now, now, now listen ther- there's nothing really wrong with me. Janet and I haven't been getting along too (Ricky injects Brad) well lately and I had a little - little trouble (Brad loses track of what he's saying and passes out on the table) Janet: Oh Brad! Cosmo: Oooh! (Checks Brad's eyes) Does he do this often? Janet: No, he's never done this before. Cosmo: Good. then there's still hope. Lots and lots of hope. Nation: If anyone can help Brad we can. (Nurse Ansalong steps into the room) Janet: Well he does need help. Cosmo: Ah, Nurse Ansalong, you've arrived. Anslng: Oh that was real short notice, because the other monkeys - Nation: Attend to Mr. Majors. Cosmo: Just one or two formalities that have to be dealt with Mrs. Majors. A contract to be (hits Nurse Ansalong on the ass with the papers) signed. Janet: Could I do that later please? Nation: Of course you can Mrs. Majors. (Brad, Janet, Ansalong, and Ricky leave the room) Anslng: (Whispering) Sign the contract tomorrow. (Cosmo hits his face on the door on the way out of the office chasing Janet) Cosmo: Ouch! Mrs. Majors, just one or two details. Does Brad have any living relatives, any blood relatives? Janet: No he doesn't. Can I take car of this later? Nation: Of course. (Nation hits Cosmo.) Janet: Why did you tell me not to sign now? Anslng: Well, that way you get the first day free. (Camera goes to Farley, video screen, and then the studio. Bert is at the Marriage Maze set with Harry and Emily) MlAncr: Here's Bert, that eternal show biz whiz, with a family connection in the thirty second quiz. Bert: As Janet's parents this should be really easy. Emily: About Brad's family? Bert: Your last clue is . . . Mental Instability. You have thirty seconds. Harry: Mental instability? Emily: He was adopted, you know. Harry: Oh yeah. I had forgotten. Emily: Well I hadn't. I was worried about inherited craziness when they married. I said to Janet, "What do we know about his parents?" Bert: Which leads us to . . . MlAncr: This afternoons surprise prize Bert which is a delirious stay in that evergreen series "Happy Homes" with unlimited use of a new dream kitchen. Emily: Infantile regression? Bert: You got it! Emily: I got it! I got it! Harry: She got it! She got it! Emily: Oh, I got it! Harry: Hey Bert, how about that, she got it! Bert: Congratulations and its Happy Homes to Harry and Emily Weiss of Denton. (Harry is last seen jumping for joy with his right fist up. Scene shifts to Farley in his office pointing to the screen) Farley: Ha ha. (Scene switches to Burt, Nation and Cosmo in the Dentonvale office. Bert and Nation are watching an instant replay of Marriage Maze. Cosmo is doing some filing. On the TV screen is Emily screaming "I got it!") Bert: She got it. She got it! They won! Infantile regression. Nation: Our specialty. Bert: Your specialty! Cosmo: I can't wait to begin on him. Really Bert, I don't know what we'd do without you Bert: I must confess. The decision to have Brad committed was not strictly my own. Cosmo: No, of course. There's Janet. But If she was so keen on getting him in here, why wouldn't she sign the contract? Bert: No, it wasn't Janet exactly. It was, in fact, your new sponsor. Cosmo: Sponsor? Bert: Dentonvale has been sold. Cosmo: Sold? Nation: Dear old Bert settled everything. Bert: Yah! You endorse his Faith Factory and he endorses your research. Cosmo: He! (drawer slams shut) How dare this person take advantage of my weakness. Nation: I don't think he intends to go that far. (Bert and Nation burst out laughing. Scene switches to the terminal ward. Ansalong has just left. Janet is singing to Brad while walking around his wheelchair. Farley is watching from his office on his video monitor.) <<song - In My Own Way>> Janet: If only you knew how to win some prizes If only you knew how to play If you could sleep nights And stop your crying Then you might find out I still love you in my own way. If that's not enough then I am so sorry I met you It was almost like leading you on. But there's more to it all Then just wringing your heart out over something That keeps on going wrong. So don't tell me you love me How am I supposed to know what that means? No don't sell emotion You cant find devotion If you're falling apart at the seams I hope that you smile When you reach your conclusion. I hope that you'll know just what to say. But if it should mean that the party is over You should know that I still love you You should know that I still love you You should know that I still love you In my own way. In my own way. In my own way. In my own way. (Janet arrives at the set for "Happy Homes") Emily: Oh my poor baby. Janet: Oh mom, its Brad. . . (Emily hugs Janet) Emily: I know, I know baby. He's gonna get all the help he needs. But in the mean time, look, for you (Emily hands Janet a new pink outfit). Janet is impressed by it and tries to get in words of praise but Emily keeps talking over her. (In the background the Farley Flavors Fabulous Fast Food Commercial is being aired.) They call it a new look in an old favorite. I copied it from the window on the world show. The Far East meets The Midwest. Janet: Mom its - Emily: Its just what the doctor ordered. I know. Come on in. My Favorite shows just started. (Janet enters holding the new outfit) Janet: What show? Emily: Dentonvale. (Emily closes the door. Scene switches to Nurse Ansalong feeding Brad in the Terminal ward just after Ricky left. Farley is still watching Brad. And then to a monitor showing the opening sequence screen to Happy Homes. The female announcer introduces the show) FmlAncr:Love Starts in the home and where better to find this than in today's happy homes. With guest star Janet Majors. (Scene switches back to the Weiss's kitchen. Emily is getting ready to pour a cup of coffee for Janet and herself. On the TV screen is a commercial for a coffee maker. According to Emily's last words, Dentonvale is being watched during this scene and Cosmo and Nation's voices can be heard in the background. The lines that they say, and the words of the announcers during commercials in the show, are comparable to the characters thoughts with what is going on currently on screen during the taping of Happy Homes. Cosmo and Nation's lines are marked off by parentheses and brackets respectively) MlAncr: So if you're sick and tired of having the goodness boiled away out of your coffee replace that old perk of yours with a coffee maker of prestigious distinction and be the envy of all with a coffee maker that says it all. (Pan to the audience watching the taping of Happy Homes. Janet's voice is heard on the speaker system) Janet: Oh, thanks. (Pan back to the Weiss's kitchen. Camera on back door. Harry is entering wiping the sweat from his brow.) FmlAncr:When that man of yours comes in from the big outdoors with a burning thirst that only Lake Michigan can satisfy, make sure that there's a cold can of Troutmeister light in the icebox. He'll thank you for it. And he'll thank Troutmeister. (With nothing to drink in the refrigerator, Harry takes off his hat and practices his putting behind Janet and Emily. Janet has now changed into the new outfit her mother gave her.) Harry: Oh for crying out loud, Emily, leave her alone. She's not a kid. (I want you to) Emily: Well I wanted to see her in it. Janet: It's really very nice. Emily: The material is imported (imported) - Taiwanese (Taiwanese). Harry: Damn it Emily, she's not interested. [Janet seems to be uninterested] Emily: What are you trying to do Harry, start an argument? (exactly) Don't you want your daughter to look pretty? [does he?] Harry: Who's she got to look pretty for? Emily: She's got a husband. Harry: She's got a weirdo! I've never been able to afford the time to have a nervous breakdown. (That leaves so little time for a complete breakdown) Janet: Oh, poor Brad. [yes, poor] Emily: Thank God he was born an orphan. (ha ha ha) It would have killed his parents. (Thank goodness) And thank goodness he hasn't ended up like that Slepstrini boy. Harry: What are you talking about. Danny Slepstrini is a chip off the old block. [(laughter)] Why, I played 18 holes of golf with his father just last week and Hank says that Danny's moves to New York to better himself. Emily: He moved alright. [good move, yes that's right] And they found him at the back of Wilson's bakery, naked, with fifteen other men. (there were others involved) Janet: Mexicans. (Harry puts on a face of disgust and disbelief, misses the putt, throws his putter, grabs his hat and heads for the door.) Harry: [Don't get tense] (I'm not getting tense) I'm gonna catch up on a few jobs that need doing outside. (Harry slams door) MlAncr: We return to Dentonvale after this important message. Emily: You shouldn't have said that. Janet: But why? Emily: Your father doesn't like Mexicans. (Scene changes to a shot of the crowd. Emily's last line is repeated over PA system.) Audnce: YEAH!!! <<song - Thank God I'm A Man>> (Scene switch to the Weiss's garage door opening up. Harry is starting his lawnmower) Harry: A man should call the toss Wear the pants, And be the boss! A man should be the drake For his own damn sake. And men should be the misters And the masters of their sisters A man should be the reason For a heart to break. Mrines: So, be moral Don't quarrel Fair and square is best Women: Let me alert you That virtue Won't hurt you Or desert you Men: If you wear hair on your chest Audnce: So always remember to follow the rules. Mrines: Box clever Men: and Jocks never Harry: (takes off golf hat) Hock another jock's tools! (Puts on helmet and starts up mower) A man should wax a car And fix a fuse And tend a bar. A man should like his brow To be wet with sweat. And should know the right occasions To indulge in tax evasions A man should know the settings That his spark plugs get. Faggots are maggots! Thank god I'm a man. (As he sings this last verse Harry salutes and the garage door closes to reveal the Presidential seal. Scene switch to Dentonvale conference room. Ansalong is wheeling in a cart of fruit and wine. At the table sit Bert, Nation and Cosmo) Bert: What a meal! Scrumptious, meine Liebling. I insist on the recipe. Nation: Coming from a gourmet that's praise indeed, but (whispers) secrets. Cosmo: With Fast Food Farley at the helm it'll probably be TV dinners from now on. Bert: Farley is already a TV winner as we shall see (pushes a button after we and see. Ricky wheels in a TV set) Dentonvale will run forever now that his interests has embraced . . . mental hygiene. Nation: Our field. (Scene switch to the Research Lab. Oliver and Betty are siting discussing the events of the movie thus far) Oliver: You know I'm convinced that its some kind of conspiracy. Betty: Conspiracy? Oliver: Mm hmm. Betty: That sounds a little far fetched Oliver: Oh I don't know. Remember Lieutenant Orpheus? He disappeared into that underworld series and never came back. Betty: Sounds like my husband. he never came back either. Oliver: Ha ha ha. Betty: Not after Flavors gave him a commercial break. Oliver: Ah yes, Farley Flavors. You know I find it remarkable that his Faith Factory is being financed by an entire nation's indigestion. Ha ha ha ha ha. (Scene shift back to Dentonvale conference room) Bert: Who do you think gave you the next episode? (Bert hands Nation a folder with a red heart on the front with the words "The Brad and Janet Show" written on it. It is reminiscent of the "I love Lucy show) So that Janet will be free to front line the new Faith Factory Show. Cosmo: We're the experts. Bert: Who trusts eh eh experts? Nation: Why Janet? Bert: Everyone loves the girl next door. (Bites into an apple) Particularly Farley. Nation: So it seems. (Bert and Nation burst out laughing. Bert sprays apple bits all over Cosmo who apparently doesn't get the joke. Scene shift back to Research Lab. Knock at the door) Betty: Come in. (laughter) Ralph: Oh hi. Oliver: Hi. Betty: Hi. Ralph: Oh, I just came to give you this Betty. (Ralph hands her an envelope) Betty: Oh well thank you. Ralph: You're welcome Macy: (enters the door) Hi. Oliver: Hi. Ralph: Hi. Betty: Hi. Ralph: Oh we'd better get going. Tomorrow's the big one and uh Farley expects. Oliver: Oh, you bet. Ralph: Uh huh. Oliver: Uh huh. Ralph: I guess we'd better leave you young things to it. Betty: Bye. Oliver: Bye. Macy: Bye. Ralph: Bye. Oliver: Bye. (Door shuts. Betty gets up, opens the door and calls to Ralph) Betty: Oh Ralph. Ralph: Yes? Betty: Shove it! Ralph: Oh you shove it too, Betty! (Betty slams the door and walks back to her seat) Betty: Alimony is just another word for rape. (Opens the envelope) Conspiracy is right! The Denton Dossier is. . . (sitting) Oliver: Closed. (Drops a tack into his stationary holder) <<music - Dentonvale organ music>> (Dentonvale opening) ShoAncr:Dentonvale, special guest star: Janet Majors. (Cosmo & Nation chime "Janet!" simultaneously as Janet enters the conference room) Janet: I've come to see Brad. Nation: That's out of the question. He's sleeping like a baby. Cosmo: Its you we're concerned about Janet. Nation: Yes Janet. How are you? Are you happy? Janet: Well I'm happy. Cosmo: There are countless people in this world Janet who believe that they're happy Nation: But they only think that they're happy. Janet: Oh well that doesn't make any sense. Bert: (walks over to the TV set) This might, Janet. (Turns on the TV) Farley: (On TV) And a big Denton welcome to my new delegation. This is Farley and I'm here with the score. We're gonna package and sell some mental health for the nation. With my dream of the girl next door. <<song - Looking At An Ace>> (For this song Bert is behind Janet. Janet is sitting in a chair in front of the TV watching it. Cosmo, Nation, Ricky and Ansalong are on near and generally around the TV set. They make up the choir and their verses are marked so) Farley: Oh why aren't they doing Tomorrow's new dance steps The way they used to yesterday? And who draws a perfect circle anymore? And if your waiting for greatness To shake hands with you You'd better daydream your life away I've only wanted one thing and that's for sure. Choir: You're not just looking at a fast food king Just another well known face You're not looking at the king of anything (Nurse Ansalong climbs on top of the TV set) Farley: I'm gonna shoot for the moon I'm gonna play high noon I'm gonna take on the entire human race. Choir: You're not looking at a king Farley: You're looking at an ace! I've got the sight And I've seen the light And I'm gonna see the coming day When the sun in the sky is a spotlight just for me. I'm gonna take some time And rock some rhyme Oh its gonna take you're breath away You'll be the front page rage of the age just wait and see. Choir: You're not just looking at a fast food king Just another well known face You're not looking at the king of anything Farley: We're gonna shoot for the moon We're gonna play high noon We're gonna take on the entire human race. Choir: You're not looking at a king Farley: Oh no no no no - you're looking at an ace! Choir: You're looking at an ace! Farley: You're looking at a goddamn ace! Choir: You're looking at an ace! Farley: You're looking at an ace! Choir: You're looking at an ace! Farley: You're looking at an a - a - a - a - ace! Nation: I just love home movies. Don't you? Farley: Time's tight Janet Do it right Janet Until tomorrow night - Janet? Janet: Well, Farley Flavors is - fairly flattering. (Janet chuckles and then stands) But, I wanna see Brad. Nation: But the question is, Janet, does Brad want to see you? Quite frankly he hates you. Janet: What do you mean? Cosmo: Brad is harboring deep feelings of hostility towards you Janet. Janet: Towards me? Cosmo: It's classical. (Ricky and Ansalong wheel out the TV) Almost a - textbook case. Janet: Oh no! (starts crying and buries face in her hands) Cosmo: That's an extremely negative response. Nation: Yes Janet, leave the crying to Brad. Janet: Is it because I'm becoming too popular? Bert: On the contrary Janet. He wants to see your ratings soar! He needs a woman of exceptional desirability. Nation: So you see Janet, you can help us to help him. Janet: Maybe I can. (Scene switch to Terminal Ward. Ansalong is just leaving and Ricky is locking Brads cage. Brad sits in his chair in a straitjacket doing his washing machine impersonation. Scene switch to Farley watching on his TV. Scene switch to Betty and Oliver in the research lab throwing away Reagan propaganda.) FlrMgr: (Over PA system) Stand by for Faith Factory rehearsal. Betty: I bet that Macy Struthers had a hand in this. Oliver: Uh huh. Betty: We'll probably be replaced by an hour of fashion tips. Oliver: Now Betty, don't over react. Betty: Over react? You're the one with theories about conspiracies. Oliver? Oliver: Yes Betty? Betty: Are you spoken for this evening? (Scene switch to Dentonvale conference room. Cosmo and Nation are reading the Brad and Janet Show folders; Cosmo is checking out the plans for the little black dress.) Bert: (taps his cane on the table to get everyone's attention) Alright you guys. An early start tomorrow for Janet's debut on Good Morning Denton. By the time we unveil Farley's Faith Factory Show we will have all earned our beauty sleep. Janet: Could I just peep in on Brad before I go home? Bert: Home? Janet: Home. Nation: This is the nerve center of operations Janet. You must stay here tonight. That way we can all be together when Mr. Sun paints us a new day with his golden brush. Cosmo: And you can peep in on Brad in the morning. Bert: Morning? (Enter Nurse Ansalong and Ricky) Nation: Are all the beds made up? Anslng: Oh yes, I plumped up all the pillows and changed up all th- Cosmo: Then lock up for the night. Anslng: Okay! (Exit Ansalong and Ricky. Scene shift to outside the studio. The Cop is walking around and securing the perimeter. The camera moves up onto a fire escape where Oliver and Betty are entering) Oliver: Clever of you to find this spot Betty Betty: It pays to know your way around Oliver. I thought the Home Of Happiness would give your theory a new perspective. Oliver: (sits down) A stately pleasure home indeed. Betty: Oh! I adore Coleridge Taylor! As a matter of fact (Betty rummages through her handbag and pulls out a book) It is an ancient mariner, And he stoppeth one of three By thy long grey beard And glittering eye Now wherefore stopp'st thou me? (Oliver smiles at Betty. Scene changes to Janet brushing her teeth with Ansalong in the back by the door. Janet spits) <<song - Lullaby>> (This song is seen through the windows of Dentonvale. As each character is singing we "peep in" on what is going on just before they go to sleep. From left to right the rooms contain Ricky & Ansalong, Janet, Bert, and Cosmo & Nation. The first room to sing is Cosmo and Nation's) Nation: I feel the heat from your skin And the stubble on your chin You're no good. Cosmo: You're no good. Nation: You've got dirt on your hands And everybody understands You're no good. Cosmo: You're no good. Nation: Oh what a joke Cosmo: What a joke Nation: You feel like choking You play for broke Cosmo: You play for broke Nation: He'll leave you smoking Cosmo: Oh, romance is not a children's game. (whip) Nation: But you keep going back. Its driving you insane. (Camera goes past Bert's window. Bert is sitting on his bed with a Lab coat on in place of his Jacket. Camera goes to Janet's window) Janet: Drift into The Treacle deep Slip into its silent depths (whisper) Go to sleep With your everything akimbo Float into the sandman's limbo. (Camera shift to Ansalong and Ricky. Ricky is taking pictures of Ansalong in her teddy) Anslng: Night night. Ricky: Night night. Anslng: Its time for bye bye. Its been a great day, thanks a heap. Now its time for every one to go to sleep. Audnce: Night night Its time for bye bye. Its been a great day, thanks a heap. Now its time for every one to go to sleep. (During this last verse, camera is panning right showing all the rooms. Is goes past Cosmo and Nations room and on to show Brad in his wheel chair sitting in the terminal ward alone. Before the music ends the scene shifts to the Audience passed out in their seats. At the end of the music the scene shifts to the fire exit balcony that Oliver and Betty are on. Oliver is asleep and snoring and Betty is still reading to him. The cop is still lurking around securing the area) Betty: He went like one That hath been stunned And is of sense forlorn. A sadder and a wiser man He rose the morrow morn. (Cop finds something and turns on the light waking Oliver and startling Betty. He holds it up for them to see.) Cop: Does this bird belong to you? (Betty shrieks in terror and throws her book. Scene shift to Bert's room. His white Beta alarm clock is going off at 6:45 A.M.. He gets up, shuts the alarm clock grabs his cane and sets out looking for Janet. First he checks her room and then the bathroom.) Bert: Janet? Are you decent, Janet? (Bert sees Janet in the shower, even though he's supposedly blind, takes off his glasses and goes in for a closer look. Nation steps in before he does) Nation: Hoopla Bert! Nice to see you up an about. Mac's waiting in the wardrobe Janet. Janet: Uh huh. (Bert puts his glasses back on) Nation: (to Bert) Care to join me in an on-set snack? (Bert nods. Scene shifts to Terminal Ward. Ansalong is leaving. Ricky has just shut Brad's cell door. Brad is gagged and screaming. Scene shift to the wardrobe room. Cosmo is walking around in a Napoleon jacket over his normal green hospital outfit. In the room are costumes and props used elsewhere in this movie and also in RHPS. For example the cheerleaders booties, a Transylvanian coat, etc... Cosmo is reading a folder containing directions on how to make a dress. Janet steps in and looks around.) Janet: Good morning. (Still doesn't see Cosmo) I wanna see Brad. (Cosmo steps in front of her showing her a mirror) Cosmo: Look at yourself. You're beautiful. The most desirable creature that ever walked. Janet: Oh if only Brad could have found it within himself to say those things to me. Cosmo: He will. But its up to you to reawaken his feelings. Farley's given you that chance. You can use the breakfast show to knock Denton dead. Janet: Do you really think so? Cosmo: Everybody needs you. Janet: Hmm. But what'll I do? What'll I say? Cosmo: Hmm? Janet: What'll I wear? Cosmo: Aha! <<song - Little Black Dress>> Cosmo: Ever since I was a little boy Dressing up has always been my greatest joy But when its time to be discreet There's one thing you just can't beat And that's a strapless backless classical little black dress. Well first you go rip rip rip, Then you go snip snip snip Then you whip in a zip zip zip And split it up to the hip hip hip And as you strip strip strip You shiver, quiver for that soft caress As you slip slip slip Into that little black dress. Nation: Ah, hoopla. (Scene shift to Bert and Nation going into Janet's dressing room.) Bert: Ever since I was the eina kleina Herren It was the cordon blau For which I am most caring And the one taste treat so sweet That really can't be beat Is what we have ya, how you are, caviar, that little black mess. (Cosmo and Janet burst in just after Bert scoops in a mouthful of caviar) Cosmo: Hey! Voila! (Bert and nation are blown away in amazement) Janet: Well first you go rip rip rip Then you go snip snip snip Then you whip in a zip zip zip Split it up to the hip hip hip (Janet gets up on the table and starts dancing and breaking things) Then as you strip strip strip You quiver, shiver for that soft caress As you slip slip slip Into that little black dress. That minimal (minimal) criminal (criminal) siniful Little black dress Nation: Let's face it Mac that basic black is coming back Bert: Let's face it Mac that basic black is coming back Brt&Ntn:Let's face it Mac that basic black is coming back Janet: That minimal (minimal) criminal (criminal) siniful Little black dress (Scene shift to studio floor. Floor Manager is trying to wake up the Audience. Oscar Drill and the Bits pass behind him.) FlrMgr: (whistles) Good morning Denton. Rise and shine. She'll be here any second now so let's give her a great big hand. (Audience cheers as Janet, Cosmo, Nation and Bert dance their way down the stairs to <<music - Little Black Dress>>. A crowd has gathered at the bottom of the stairs to greet them) Neely: Oh Janet I can't tell you how excited I am. For you. We've got the band and dancers and dry ice standing by. Betty Hapschatt is indisposed, so Macy will have to do the introduction. Janet: Oh I don't need introductions. (Camera to Betty and Oliver watching from above. Camera to Macy giving Janet an introduction at the Good Morning Denton set) Macy: The fabulous. The golden. The very wonderful. (Scene shift to Betty and Oliver watching from above) Betty: I knew it! (Scene shift to cheerleaders in tutus on screen) Chrldrs: Janet Janet Janet Janet <<song - Me Me Me>> (One interesting thing in this song is Farley's reactions to what Janet is doing. He is watching this all from his office) Janet: There's just the two of me Alone at last together We've got the luck so far We are my lucky star (Echo on "star" Janet has a "What the hell is going on" look on her face. Cheerleaders start to dance away from her. Janet starts getting into the music) Deep in the heart of me I love every part of me All I can see in me Is the danger and ecstasy One thing there couldn't be Is any more me in me (Floor manager passes in front of Janet and she drops down) Chrldrs:This is the me of me Me me me! (Janet jumps up from behind monitor. Farley gets startled.) Janet: Me me Me me me Me me me (Janet throws hat into the audience. Farley licks his lips) I am my destiny. Je croirai toujours en moi. Ha ha ha I'd never lie to me. I'd be willing to die for moi. (Janet begins wrecking band setup) I'll pray every day to me. And here's what I'd says to me (Farley fumbles with his cigar) Chrldrs:This is the me of me Me me me! (After every line of Janet's next verse the scene flashes to Farley's office to show Farley going nuts over Janet) Janet: Me me Me me me Me me me Me me me Ohh me me Me me me Ohhhh me me Look at me Moi Moi (Frankie the cheerleader knocks over the pillars that are in back of Janet. Scene shifts back to Farley's office showing Farley giving an "Ahh" of approval. Camera to Betty leaving the top level. Scene goes back to Macy concluding the segment.) Macy: And, you can see and hear Janet tonight on Faith Factory, brought to you by Farley Flavors. (Camera moves back to show Oscar getting his guitar back from Janet, touching her face, then her left arm and walking off. Various members of the band and floor cast quickly congratulate Janet and quickly walk off to the left. Bert, Nation and Cosmo come to congratulate her)
Bert:	Out of self came selflessness.

Nation:	You revealed yourself, the real you, the secret you.

Cosmo:	And you liked what you saw, didn't you Janet.

Janet:	Well I -

Betty:	How's Brad?

Janet:	Oh well if he caught my act he'll be looking good! (Bert Nation and
	Cosmo laugh.  Wardrobe mistress walks by and hands Janet her hat.)
	It seems I'm his medicine so we're off to give him another spoonful.  	
	Check ya later Betty.  Gotta freshen up.

(Janet, Nation, Bert and Cosmo walk off, passing Betty.  Cosmo laughs
arrogantly.  Scene switches to Kirk's coffee corner.  Harry, Emily and the
floor manager are on line)

Kirk:	Gee, how 'bout that.  Janet was a knockout!

Emily:	Thank you

Kirk:  	Yeah, she was terrific.  Sexeeeey!

Harry:	What!

Kirk:	At the same time, fresh, untouched, you know.  Hey how's Brad?

Hry&Emly: He's fine (they look at each other simultaneously.  Harry grabs his
	  coffee and Kirk picks up the sugar for him)

Kirk:	Lucky dog, with a pretty girl like that for a wife.

Harry:	Yeah, he sure is.  No sugar.  Thanks Kirk.

Kirk:	(to Floor Manager)  Well I'll sugar his daughter's.

Betty:	Coffee Kirk, I'm dying for it.

Kirk:	(Puts Betty's cup down on the counter upside down)  R.I.P. Betty.  You're
	off the air.

(Betty and Oliver walk over to the research lab)

Betty:	What's happening here?  Janet's on the breakfast show.  Brad's
	committed to a nowhere series and we've been (having trouble with her

Oliver:	Written out?

(Dentonvale opening.  During this scene Brad's words, although sometimes
understandable, are still muffled, because he is gagged.  His words are marked
off by brackets.  Farley is occasionally seen glancing in on the scene through
the video wall.)

ShoAncr:Dentonvale, (Scene shift to the terminal ward.  Emily is opening the
	shades,  Harry is practicing his putting, and Brad is still bound and
	gagged in his wheelchair in the cage.)  The Mission of Mercy.
	Starring the increasingly popular Janet Majors. (Enter Janet)

Janet:	Hi Mommy!  Hi Daddy!  Hi Brad, I've just come to tell you how fabulous
	I am.

Brad:	Janet!

Emily:	Janet!  Where's that lovely dress I made you?

Janet:	Oh well Mac just whipped up this little crowd pleaser.

Harry:	Why, you're practically naked!

Janet:	Well I can't wear anything under it Daddy.  It would spoil the line.

Brad:	(angry)  Spoil the line?! - - -

Emily:	My God, Janet.  How can you say such things.  Look at Brad.  Look what
	they've done to him.

(Enter Cosmo, Nation, Bert, Ansalong, and Ricky)

Cosmo:	Aah! Janet's parents?

Harry:	Are you the doctor?

Cosmo:	Yes.

Harry:	There's gonna have to be an investigation

Cosmo:	Oh?

Harry:	There are regulations against this sort of thing

Janet:	It's for his own good.

Bert:	Hoopla Janet!

Janet:	Bert! Sweetheart! Oh it's fabulous to see you!

(Dentonvale crew starts clapping in joy.  Janet and Bert go to sit down on the
couch.  Harry is still confused)

Harry:	What's going on here?

Janet:	(Sitting down with Bert) . . . yes, of course

Bert:	I adore that color.

(Brad grumbles.  Camera goes to Cosmo leading he Weisses into the cell with him)

Cosmo:	The patient was in great danger of doing himself a mischief.

Nation:	We  only want what's best for him.  As parents you must understand.

Harry:	No.  No I don't.  Brad doesn't need to be trussed up like a turkey.
	There are drugs to keep him quiet.

Nation:	We used them, all of them.

Emily:	And none of them worked?

Nation:	No.

Harry:	Then double the strength.

Nation:	We did.

Cosmo:	We know our job.

(Farley watches in)

Nation:	We also know how you feel.  We're not strangers to confusion.

(Farley laughs)

Emily:	We're not confused.

Harry:	Well I am, goddamn it! (back to Terminal Ward)  You trust Brad with this
	crowd pleaser?

<<song - Shock Treatment>>

Cosmo:	I'm not a loco with motives to suture myself
	I've been a cynic for too many years
	Playing doctor and nurse
	It can't be good for your health
	I've seen clinics, with those gimmicks
	In Tangiers.

Nation:	But if you open your heart to a smooth operator
	He'll take you for all that you've got
	He'll hand you a curse that'll be with you later
	It'll shake ya the way he takes off
	Like a shot.

Cosmo:	You need a bit of . . . ooooh Shock Treatment
	Yes you're jumping like a real live wire.
	You need a bit of . . . ooooh Shock Treatment
	So look out mister,  don't you blow your last resistor
	For a vista that'll mystify ya!

Anslng:	You're blinded by romance you're blinded by science.
	You're condition is critically grave.
	But don't expect mercy from such and alliance.
	Suspicion of tradition's so new wave.

(Ricky is taking pictures of the people on the couch for this verse)

Cosmo:	You need a bit of . . . ooooh Shock Treatment
	Yes you're jumping like a real live wire.
	You need a bit of . . . ooooh Shock Treatment
	So look out mister,  don't you blow your last resistor
	For a vista that'll certify ya!  fy ya, fy ya, fy ya!

(Everyone gets up and dances around Brad's cage.  Farley is dancing in his
office.  Betty and Oliver are watching from above)

Betty:	Look at that!  Bert Schnick's dancing!  Bert can see!

Oliver:	Macabre isn't it.  The blind leading the blind.

(Everyone dances out of the Terminal Ward and the song ends.  Scene switches to
the studio floor where Ralph  welcomes Janet to the Faith Factory rehearsal.  A
large picture of Farley is being carried in)

Ralph:	Welcome to the Faith Factory rehearsal.

Janet:	Thank you.

Ralph:	We're all really excited about tonight.

Janet:	Oh!  Do I get one of those? (referring to the giant picture)

Ralph:	Uh, yes.  Yes of course you do.

(Janet is being greeted by loyal fans. Much commotion.  Audience is chanting
"Janet, Janet, We want Janet".  Farley is watching from his office)

Janet:	Hi kids, Hi.  Oh really?

Ralph:	Macy, why don't you take Janet and help her freshen up before the

Macy:	Sure.

(The  crowd that has gathered around her gets upset.)

Crowd:	Aw no. . .

(Crowd follows her.  In the crowd are band members.  Frankie approaches Ralph)

Frankie: Ralph, you promised me an introduction.

Ralph:	Later Francine.

Frankie: (upset)  Frankie!

Ralph:	Bert, could you spare a moment?

Bert:	Of course.

(Bert, Ralph, and Floor manager step aside.  Camera goes to the winding
staircase.  Audience is still chanting "Janet Janet we want Janet!".  The crowd
of band members and camera crew have followed her.  Neely stops her just before
she goes upstairs)

Neely:	Janet, a quick word.  Could you tell our viewers what exactly you will
	be representing tonight?

Janet:	Uh - Sanity For Today.

(crowd claps)

Oscar:	Wow!

Neely:	And that's the word from Janet Majors,  DTV's newest star. (In
	background)  Okay guys, lets move on

(Camera goes behind steps to Bert, Ralph, and Floor Manager.)

Ralph:	How's Brad?

Bert:	He's a wreck.

Ralph:	Check.  The quacks are willing tools?

Bert:	Aaah,  The quacks are fools.

Ralph:	Y'know, I wouldn't mind doing Janet one or two favors

Bert:	Its time to check with Flavors.

(Bert pulls an antenna out of his cane making it a walkie talkie he blows into
it to test it.  Scene shifts to Farley's office.  <buzz>  Farley picks up the
phone.  The crowd is chanting "Janet Janet we want Janet" in the background
over the phone.)

Farley:	Shoot.

(Scene shifts to Janet's dressing room.  Nation and  Cosmo are at the bar.
Macy is making sure Janet is ready.  "Carte Blanche" is played in the

Macy:	Is there anything else you'd like, Janet?

Janet:	Yeah, a new carpet.  I hate the color.  Don't you?

(Macy checks her clipboard and leaves.  Whenever the door opens the crowd is
heard chanting "Janet Janet we want Janet!")

Nation:	It's only one night Janet.  Don't forget who we're doing this for.

Janet:	Who?

Cosmo:	Brad.

Janet:	Y'know I'm getting awfully sick of hearing about that emotional
	cripple.  I've got a lot going for me.  I'm going places.  I'm gonna be
	someone.  I'm gonna win my way into the lives and hearts of the people
	even if I have to kill to do it.  I'll make the pathetic little crones
	love me.  I don't even know why I'm wasting my time here with you; I
	should be with my people.

(Janet gets up and walks out to the balcony near the winding staircase.  The
audience is still chanting.  At the bottom of the stairs is the band.  The
crowd goes wild when Janet comes out)

Band:	Hey Janet!

Glitch:	Girl, you're great.

Janet:	Oh well thanks.

Frankie: Hi, my name's Frankie.

Band:	Francine!

Frankie: And I think you're beautiful.

(Scene shift to dressing room.  Nation and Cosmo are putting pills in a drink
for Janet.  Scene back to the band)

Brenda:	Hi.  I'm Brenda.  This is my brother Oscar and this is our friend
	Glitch Davidson.

Glitch:	Janet we really enjoyed being on the breakfast show with you this
	morning. . .

(Janet waves to the audience and they go wild.  Glitch's words subsequently are
drowned out.  Nation comes in with the drink)

Nation:	This is Janet.  She's a phenomenon.

(Janet takes a sip)

<<Song - Look at Me>>

Janet:	So if you're looking for a
	Standard to which you can aspire
	Then baby
	Look at me!
	Oh oh oh!
	Look at me!

(Janet stumbles)

Nation:	I think you need a little rest.  You've got a big night ahead of you.

(Nation walks Janet off stage)

Frankie: Your clothes are real neat.

(Door closes.  Scene shifts to in Macy and Ralph being interviewed at the
bottom of the stairs by Neely.  The band passes by chanting "Janet Janet we
want Janet" in the background)

FlrMgr:	(Over PA system)  Reminder, wardrobe check for Faith Factory medical

Macy:	Aren't they great?  But getting back to Faith Factory, all in all it
	looks like an exciting new series for us.

Ralph:	Yes, and a attractive financial prospect for Denton.

Neely:	And fashion-wise?

(Camera switch to Betty on the phone.  Oliver is on the phone next to her)

Betty:	What did I tell you?

Macy:	Well, I can just say that Faith Factory will be introducing a new look.
	It will show off one or two old faces in an exciting new light.

Neely:	Really?  Sounds interesting.

Betty:	Did you hear that Oliver?

Oliver:	Yes Betty.  The false promise of a new dawn usually leads to a most
	bloody sunset.

Ralph:	No, I don't know what Janet's next move will be, but you can be sure
	of one thing, it all starts right here.

Neely:	Thank you.  And that's the word from Ralph Hapschatt and Macy Struthers.

(Cameras on Betty and Oliver near the directional sign for the wardrobe room)

Betty:	Oh Oliver.

Oliver:	hmm?

Betty:	What are we going to do?

Oliver:	Care to indulge?

Betty:	Indulge?

Oliver:	Uh huh.  In a little um - masquerade.

Betty:	Oh.

FlrMgr:	(Over PA system)  Final reminder.  Wardrobe check for Faith Factory
	medical outfits.  Wardrobe check for Faith Factory medical outfits.

(Dentonvale opening)

ShoAncr: Dentonvale,  Parental Predicament.

(Scene shift to Terminal Ward right near Brad.  Harry is pacing and holding a
pair of sunglasses)

Emily:	Harry, what are we gonna do?

Harry:	I don't know Emily.  I'm worried.  Maybe I can wear those black
	leather brogues.

Emily:	Too flashy.  They'll clash with the new outfits.

(Brad starts moaning)

Emily:	Alright Brad dear.  Have another sedative. (She fills his mouth with
	pills)   We'll miss you on the show tonight.

Harry:	And don't worry Brad.  (Puts glasses on)   I'll be back (Puts corn cob
	pipe in his mouth.  Harry and Emily head for the door)  What about
	those Italian loafers I bought in Hawaii?

(Brad moans and passes out.  He begins hallucinating.  He sees Janet walk into
the Terminal Ward)

Janet:	I've just come to tell you how fabulous I am.

(Brad gets a "Huh?" look on her face.  Scene shifts to the dressing room where
Janet is passed out on the couch with the drink in her hand and a slice of
orange on her leg.  Nation comes by, takes the drink and eats the orange
slice.  We now see Janet's hallucinations.  Bert's bedroom door opens.  He is
sitting on the bed)

Bert:	Face it Janet.  Brad's an emotional cripple.

(Bert's door closes.  Cosmo and Nation's bedroom door opens.)

Cosmo:	Quite frankly,

Nation:	He hates you

(Nation and Cosmo begin laughing hysterically.  Their door closes.  The camera
begins to move closer on a still of Farley smiling on TV.  )

Farley:	Time's tight Janet
Do it right Janet
Until tonight - Janet?

(Janet imagines herself in Brad's wheelchair in the Terminal Ward.  Brad walks
in the door with drool all over his chin.)

Brad:	I've just come to tell you how fabulous I am.

<<song - Looking For Trade>>

Janet:	I'm on a cul de sac
	And I gotta go back
	So come on feet
	We're gonna hit the streets

	We've got it made
	I'm looking for trade

Brad:	(In wheelchair in terminal ward) I'm looking for love

Janet:	I'm looking for trade.
	I need some young blood
	I need some young blood
	I need it now.

	I need some young blood
	I need some young blood

Bnd&Janet: And were gonna get it somehow.

Janet:	I'm on a dead end street
	I'm like a dog in heat
	I'm like a kid with no toys
	I wanna get those boys

	Oooh I can't delay
	I'm looking for trade.

Brad:	I'm looking for love

Janet:	I'm looking for trade.

	Oh we're all living like there's no tomorrow
	And the way things are going that's probably true
	But without you and me sis
	The world would fall to pieces
	Vena Cava, who's the raver?

Band:	Our raving savior that's you

Janet:	I'm on a primrose path
	I'm looking for a little laugh
	Remember its no fun
	To be the chosen one.

	There are games to be played
	Looking for trade.

Brad:	I'm looking for love

Janet:	I'm looking for trade.
	I need some young blood
	I need some young blood
	I need it now.

	Ohhh!  I need some young blood
	I need some young blood
	And I'm gonna get it somehow.

	I'm looking for trade.

(Crowd is heard chanting in the background.  Nation is waking up Janet, still
asleep on the couch)

Nation:	Janet?  Janet?  Wake up Janet.  You've got guests.  You can come in now!

(The band enters)

Brenda:	Hi Janet!

Frankie: How are you feeling?

Janet:	Who are you?

Oscar:	The band!

Janet:	Do you have any friends?

Oscar:	Sure.

Janet:	You won't have, soon.  What are you called -  your band?

Glitch:	Oscar Drill and the Bits.

(Janet passes out with an "Ungh".  Scene switches to wardrobe room.  Wardrobe
mistress is leaving.  When she leaves, Betty and Oliver come out of hiding.)

Oliver:	Betty, it's imperative we get Janet out of Farley's fast fingers and
	Brad out of that hell hole, before they both disappear forever.

Betty:	I don't mind telling you, Oliver, I'm not looking forward to this.

Oliver:	If only I could place that name.  McKinley.

Betty:	It was a president.

Oliver:	Presidents.  Past presidents.  Betty, this is beginning to add up.

Betty:	Really?  (Tries to get on a name tag)  What do I pin this on?

Oliver:	Faith, Betty.  But make sure its your own.

(Scene shift to Farley's office.  Wardrobe mistress is putting on the finishing
touches.  Cop has just entered)

W. Mistrss:	In a hurry, Mr. Flavors?

Cop:	There's a little lady he doesn't want to keep waiting.  Got a date.

W. Mistrss:	Who is, Mr. Flavors?

Farley:	The past.

(Cop lights Farley's cigar)

<<song - Look What I Did To My Id>>

(This song takes place in the wardrobe room)

Emily:	Like a virgin, with an urgin', in a surgery
	I'll be swinging, I'll be bringing out the nurse in me.

Harry:	The art will start when I play my part
	As a healer who will steal your heart

Hry&Emly: Oh look what I did to my ID.
	  Oh look what I did to my ID.

Cosmo:	With neurosis in profusion

Nation:	And psychosis in your soul

Cosmo:	Eliminate confusion
Csmo&Ntn: And hide inside a brand new role!

Macy:	Like a good time girl I'm gonna try some new tricks

Ralph:	This could be the start of a whole new career

Macy:	Got a deep plum lipstick and some therapeutics

Ralph:	This could take us to a town that's nowhere near here.

Anslng:	Got some heartfelt symptoms and I'm feeling sneaky

Ricky:	Young male intern tall and handsome

Anslng:	Got my hems so high they'll say I'm being cheeky.

Ricky:	Legs like mine were really made for dancing

All:	Oh oh oh!  Hey hey hey!

Csmo&Ntn: When heaven's in the music
       	  Hell is in control.
	  The angel's got the voices
	  But the Devil's got the rock and roll!

All:	We may look we're phony medics
	But we took our look from a book by Frederick's

	Oh look what I did to my ID - ID!.
	Look what I did to my ID.

(Scene switch to Janet's dressing room)

Janet:	Oh Brad.

Nation:	He's an emotional cripple remember?  Even he wouldn't like to see you
	like this.

Neely:	Listen Ralph,  I just want to speak with someone.  If I don't get in
	now, right now, there's going to be trouble!

Ralph:	Later Neely,  okay?

Neely:	Ralph!

(Ralph slams door)

Ralph:	How is she.  Well come on.  Farley's expecting her any minute.  You
	guys get your asses in front of those cameras and try and earn
	yourselves a reputation, okay?  Well move!

Neely:	We just wanna ask a few questions.  We've gotta know what happened!

Oscar:	These are for you Janet.

Glitch:	They'll make you keel a whole lot better.

Oscar:	Yeah!

Nation:	Amateurs.

Chrldrs: Give us a J!

Audnce:	 J!

Chrldrs: A!

Audnce:	 A!

Chrldrs: N!

Audnce:	 N!

Chrldrs: E!

Audnce:	 E!

Chrldrs: Give us a T!

Audnce:	 T!

Chrldrs: We can't hear you!

Audnce:	 Awww!!!

(Betty snoops around in the research room as the cheerleaders continue riling
up the audience.  She searches under McKinley. Computer begins to beep as it
comes up with information.)

Betty:	Oh my God!  Character actors?

Ralph:	(On PA system)  Ladies and gentlemen,  the studio band will soon be
	here to entertain you in anticipation of tonight's premiere taping
	(Cop taps on drum)  of Farley Flavor's Faith Factory!

(Audience cheers.  Scene switch back to Betty who is now snooping around for
information about Farley Flavors.  Scene switch back to Neely.)

Neely:	And so if you're a follower of exotic trends in fashion, you'll find
	plenty to keep you going here tonight.  And naturally feeling the
	excitement, and not wanting to stick out like a sore thumb, I had to
	get a little outfit of my own together.  And this is it.

(Crowd claps.  Betty is now looking at microfilm of a newspaper)

Ralph:	Ladies and gentlemen,  to help get you in the mood for Faith Factory,
	DTV proudly presents Denton's own - with a suburban garage sound, lets
	hear it for Oscar Drill and The Bits!

Betty:	Oh Oliver.  This is one time charity didn't begin at home.

<<song - Breaking Out>>

Oscar:	I know how it feels
	To be cooling my heels
	I've been down on them
	Long enough

	But if I stay to them now
	Then maybe somehow
	You'll see through the bluff
	I'm not playing it tough

	I've been a lifetime on deposit
	And that's a long time in the closet
	And if you say to me
	How was it?
	It was hard taking
	That heart breaking
	God forsaken route.

(Oliver and Betty free Brad from the terminal ward with Betty's hairpin)

	But I'm
	Buh buh buh buh buh buh
	Breaking out!

	You may say that you choose
	To be in my shoes
	Well look what it
	Did for me

	I got buried alive
	I don't thrive on that jive
	Look and you'll see
	That the spikes don't fit me

	I've been a lifetime on deposit
	And that's a long time in the closet
	And if you say to me
	How was it?
	It was hard taking
	That heart breaking
	God forsaken route.

	But I'm
	Buh buh buh buh buh buh
	Breaking out!

Brad:	Where are we going?

Betty:	To a family reunion

Oscar:	Breaking out!

Audnce:	Breaking out!

Oscar:	Breaking out!

Audnce:	Breaking out!

Oscar:	Ungh!

(Audience cheers.  Scene switch to Farley Flavor's office.  Conference between
Cosmo, Nation, Bert, Ralph, Macy, and Farley.  Neely is there with her crew.
Scene opens with everyone laughing and happy)

Farley:	She represents everything our customers want:  Innocence, decency, and
 	the allusion of a happy ending.  (Crowd applauds)  And, behind her
	image, take away therapy will thrive under the capable hands of two
	great ethical intellects, operating on the frontiers of medical
	science.  Huh? Huh? (Crowd compliments Cosmo and Nation on their great
	work.)  Under the firm guidance of a great survivor in the treacherous
	sea of diplomacy, our own Bert Schnick. (Crowd goes crazy over Farley's
	idea)  Now, let's get this show on the road! (Crowd goes wild scuttling
	off and can still be heard in the background)

Neely:	Mr. Flavors.  May I have a moment of your time?

Farley:	Sure thing.

Neely:	We've heard rumors that you're going to unveil more than just a new
	series tonight.  Is this true?

Farley:	Absolutely correct.

Neely:	Could you tell us a little more about it?

Farley:	Well let's just say, we're planning on putting sanity back on the
	national menu.

Neely:	And how does local girl Janet Majors fit into the scheme of things?

Farley:	Very nicely.

Janet:	Brad?

(Scene switch to Betty and Oliver dragging Brad around in the hall.)

Betty:	And he's resented you all these years.

Brad:	And Janet?

Oliver:	She represents everything he's been denied.

(Scene switch to the studio Faith Factory set)

ShoAncr: By satellite, Farley Flavor's Faith Factory.

Ralph:	Ladies and Gentlemen, Denton's own, America's pride, the world's
	example, Janet, the sensation of the planet.  We bring you Miss Mental

(Enter Janet wearing red and white.  As she walks down the aisle to her throne,
things happen in slow motion.  Audience is clapping)

Nation:	Isn't she lovely?

Emily:	I love you baby!

Nation:	She walks in beauty.

Harry:	That's my little girl!  That a girl Janet!

Emily:	We love you baby!

Nation:	We all love Janet.  Who do we love?

Audnce:	Janet!

(Audience goes wild.  Cop raises arm and yells "Janet!".  Janet sits in her

Nation:	The dress Janet is wearing has been given by Creme de la Creme Modes
	of downtown Denton and we've been asked that you take note of the
	individual styling and exquisite tailoring.  This is just one of the
	many gifts that's so freely and generously given to Janet, the first
	of, we hope, many Miss Mental Healths!

(Audience goes wild again)

Ralph:	Ladies and Gentlemen, the President.

(Drum roll.  Sanity For Today medical outfit wearers stand at attention.
Audience quiets.  Neely directs her crew to focus in on the door.  Irwin walks
up to the podium)

Irwin:	Hi! I'm Irwin Lapsey, President of Lapsey Autos.  (Sanity For Today
	medical outfit wearers sit.  Irwin looks at them and wonders then
	turns back to the audience)  I'm holding in my hand here some keys
	(jiggles keys in left hand)  Keys which I would like to give to the
	little lady who is being so honored here tonight.  And I wanna tell ya,
	if she takes these keys she will find that they fit something.  And
	what that something is, is an almost brand new ultra deluxe eight
	cylinder convertible complete with radio, tape deck, plush fur seat
	covers and many many extras.  And its all hers for absolutely free.

(Audience cheers as Irwin walks over to Janet to give her the keys.  Cosmo
stops him, takes the keys, and escorts Irwin offstage.  Ralph takes the

Ralph:	Well, Janet.  Janet is absolutely speechless ladies and gentlemen.
	(Audience moans)  But here's someone we do want to hear from.  A firm
	favorite of yours and mine.  You've reveled in his recipes. (Brad gets
	dropped by Oliver and Betty)  You marveled in his marriage guidance.
	The all knowing, and now all seeing, (Audience is astonished)  that's
	right, Bert Schnick!

(Bert comes walking  to the podium showing his now uncovered eyes.  Scene
flashes to Oliver and Betty dragging Brad while trying to find a way out of the
Dentonvale set.  Scene goes back to Faith Factory.  Audience member says "Bert
you're beautiful!")

Bert:	Hoopla Denton!

Audnce:	Hoopla Bert!

Bert:	Thank you, welcome.

Ralph:	What's cooking Bert?

Bert:	I'll tell you what's cooking buddy and I'll tell you too you guys.
	She made the blind see and it was a gift.  Who was the gift from?
	Lets hear an F for. . .

Audnce:	Farley!

Bert:	And another F for. . .

Audnce:	Flavors!

(Enter Farley.  Audience goes wild.)

Farley:	My friends!  And you are all my friends.  (Farley laughs)   My friends
	tonight we are taking the first step of defiance, and starting
	something that will grow so big that the whole world will reverberate
	with its sound.  And wherever our slogan "Sanity and vanity" is
	uttered, it will be linked incontrovertibly to this night, this
	station, and this beautiful face.

(Janet begins to stand.  Audience cheers.  Brad hears this through the wall and
comes crashing through the giant picture of Janet's head.  Audience is startled
and phrases such as "It's a crazy guy" can be heard.)

Brad:	Seducer!

Farley:	And who are you sir?

Brad:	Your twin brother and your accuser!

Janet:	(recognition)  Brad!

Cosmo:	Arrest that man he's committed to our care.

Janet:	I never signed your contract.  He's not going anywhere.

Oliver:	Revenge your twin.  You tried to abuse her.

Farley:	(Outraged)  A ridiculous accusation! You force me to refuse her.

Brad:	Then why did you choose her?

Farley:	Because of you, sir!

<<song - Duel Duet>>

Farley:	You're a loser
	An abomination in the eyes of any sensitive man

Brad:	And you're a blind alley cruiser
	Always heading down a loosing strait
	Dreaming that you're screaming at fate
	You're a dead end dead beat nowhere mister
	With a kiss like a Mississippi alligator's sister

Farley:	I took as much of you as any man can!
	You've lost your heart

Brad:	You've lost your cause

Farley:	You lost your baby when you lost your balls!
	You've lost your mind
	You've lost your grip
	So say bye-bye!

Brad:	We lost our Mom
	We lost our Dad
	And if I'm losing you
	Well that's too bad

Farley:	Well the best thing you could ever do is die.

(Farley mimes a gun on the last verse.  Scene switch to the Dentonvale
Conference room table.  Brad and Farley are sitting at opposite ends)

Brad:	You're a failure
	A malformation in the guise of many
	And also ran

Farley:	And you're a weeper and a whiner
	Always treading on the toes of the great
	Generally spreading your weight
	You're a spiteful, hateful, asinine creature
	A pupil with no scruples who knows better than the teacher

Brad:	I took as much of you as any man can!

Farley:	You've lost your heart

Brad:	You've lost your cause

Farley:	You lost your baby when you lost your balls!
	You lost your mind
	When you lost your grip
	So say bye-bye!

Brad:	We've lost our home
	Our family
	You've lost compassion
	Now you're losing me.

Farley:	Well the best thing you could ever do is die.

Brad:	Well the best thing you could ever do is die.

(Scene shift back to the Faith Factory set.  Farley is developing a severe
facial tic)

Farley:	Well the best thing you could ever do is die.

Farley:	(addressing audience)  Take no notice of him!  He's mad.

(Audience gasps)

Brad:	I'm as sane as you are.  (Audience gasps)  Saner!

Cosmo:	(pushing Farley out of the way)  And he was only with us for one day!

(Audience cheers.  Camera pans to Ralph and Bert.  Ralph is clapping)

Bert:	They should be sent to the Danube at dawn.

Ralph:	What?

Bert:	Just memories.

Ralph:	(to Farley quietly)  We'll edit the tape.  They'll never see
	everything.  (to audience)  Um I hope Mr. Flavors will accept apologies
	on behalf of all of Denton for this unfortunate incident.  It seems
	everyone wants to be related to the great.

(Audience cheers approval.)

Farley:	No offense.  Offense?  On the contrary.  This is a perfect example of
	what we are here to combat.

(All eyes turn to Janet.  After a brief moment, she reaches down and helps Brad
to his feet.  Farley is shocked for a moment and then starts chanting "Out",
getting louder and louder progressively, pointing toward the door each time.
The crowd catches on as do most of the people on stage. The Cop comes and
escorts Oliver, Betty, Brad and Janet into the research lab.)

Farley:	You see the way we got rid of that dirty little dish, is the way we
	are going to put the rest of our house in order.  Including the
	upstairs! (Audience cheers.  Farley motions to Macy)  Ah yes yes,
	Miss, you yes.  Would you come up here please and help us to
	inaugurate the Farley Flavor's Faith Factory, transmitting from coast
	to coast and continent to continent?  You are miss, uh miss?

Macy:	Macy.  Macy Struthers.

Farley:	Macy Struthers!!!

Betty:	Who loves you Baby?

(Betty flips off Macy.  Camera goes to Emily and Harry who are clapping)

Emily:	She let me down.  She let us all down!

Harry:	Shut up Emily! And listen to a success story.

Nation:	This could be worse than the old series.

Cosmo:	In the old series we never had a convertible. (Flips the keys out and
	back in)

Farley:	And remember, sanity today is the springboard to the hygienic tomorrow.
	(Farley kisses Macy.  Ralph frowns but keeps on clapping.  Audience
	cheers)  Now, will you follow me, down the DTV trail, to Dentonvale?

Audnce:	Dentonvale!!!

Farley:	(to Macy)  Thanks honey, they bought it.  Now out of the way. (to
	audience)  That's right!

Neely:	I can't stand it.  Everything good always happens to other people.
	(Audience members are being handed striped straight jackets. by Cosmo
	Nation, Ansalong, and others.  Neely is heard.)  And fast food giant
	Farley Flavors has just given Miss Mental Health what can only be
	described as an official kiss of approval.  And the crowd are loving
	it as they follow her down the Dentonvale trail.

Brad:	Hey look they're having a party.

(Vance is about to take off, because he sees Neely and her crew following the
crowd because they don't want to miss out on the action.  Just as he is about
to leave, he shoves Brad into the office and locks the door.  He takes off
after everyone else.  Scene shifts to inside the research lab)

<<song - We're Gonna Do It Anyhow>>

Brad:	Some people do it for compassion

Janet:	Some people do it for the fashion

Brad:	Some people do it to be funny

Janet:	Some people do it for the money

Oliver:	Some people do it for enslavement

Betty:	Some people do it on the pavement

(Betty unlocks the door with her hairpin)

Oliver:	But. . .

(All four of them conga out of the office and at the end of the sit in the
audience seats.)

All 4:	We're gonna do it anyhow anyhow
	We're gonna do it anyhow anyhow
	We're gonna do it
	No matter how the wind is blowing

	We're gonna do it anyhow anyhow
	We're gonna do it anyhow anyhow
	We're gonna do it
	We just gotta keep going

Brd&Jnt:   Some people do it for each other

Bty&Olivr: Some people do it for their lover

Brd&Jnt:   Some people do it for improvement

Bty&Olivr: Some people do it for the movement

Brd&Jnt:   Some people do it for enjoyment

Bty&Olivr: Some people do it for employment

Oliver:	   But. . .

(All four dance down the aisles to the stage to see Oscar Drill and the Bits
waiting for them in the convertible.)

All 4:	We're gonna do it anyhow anyhow
	We're gonna do it anyhow anyhow
	We're gonna do it
	No matter how the wind is blowing

	We're gonna do it anyhow anyhow
	We're gonna do it anyhow anyhow
	We're gonna do it
	We just gotta keep going

(Scene shifts to the McKinley's office .  Farley is standing on the desk and
has just opened a bottle of champagne and is drinking a toast with the Faith
Factory cast and others.  Cameras follow the audience, now clad in their
straight jackets and Faith Factory hats, along the wall to the Terminal Ward.
They are singing)

Audnce:	Denton, Denton, you've got no pretension
	You're where the heart is you're okay!
	Denton, Denton, you've got no pretension
	You're where the heart is you're okay!
	Denton, Denton, I'd just like to mention
	You're the acceptable face,
	Of the human race.
	You're Denton Denton USA!

(Scene shift back to the stage.  The band has just pushed open the studio door
and Betty has just jump-started the car with her hairpin.)

All 4:	We're gonna do it anyhow anyhow
	We're gonna do it anyhow anyhow
	We're gonna do it
	No matter how the wind is blowing

	We're gonna do it anyhow anyhow
	We're gonna do it anyhow anyhow
	We're gonna do it
	We just gotta keep going
	We just gotta keep going
	We just gotta keep going

(Brad, Janet, Oliver, Betty, and the band, all get into the car and drive off.
The door closes behind them.)

Narr:	The sun never sets on those who ride into it.

All:	We just gotta keep going